


Trading on a Counterfeit Alliance

by myobsessionisshowing



Series: Counterfeit Alliance 'Verse [1]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Academy Era, Angst, Best Friends, Everyone Is In Denial, Feels, Friendship, Glacially Slow Burn, Hurt!Bones, Hurt!Jim, Lack of Communication, M/M, Marriage of Convenience, Medical Procedures, Slow Burn, Starfleet Academy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-23
Updated: 2018-09-03
Packaged: 2019-04-26 23:01:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 84,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14412369
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/myobsessionisshowing/pseuds/myobsessionisshowing
Summary: Jim shuffled through the PADDs on Bones’ desk, found his personal PADD and powered it up.  The open window on the PADD brought him to a halt.  It was open to the last message, which had been sent to Captain Christopher Pike.  Jim quickly scanned the message and felt his sense of disorientation and nausea returning.  It was a letter of resignation.  Jim dropped heavily into the desk chair and tried to get his mind to focus as he reread the document before him.****Bones resigns from Starfleet and Jim follows him to Georgia where he convinces Bones to marry him for legal reasons, so that they can contest the adoption of Joanna McCoy.  They return to the academy, keep the marriage a secret and attempt to continue their lives as normally as possible.  But the marriage is never far from mind.





	1. Chapter 1

“Damn it, Bones!”  Jim slammed his fist down on the nonresponsive touch pad beside McCoy’s door.   

“You know damn well this isn’t going to keep, me out.  Only going to…take me… a little longer,” Jim muttered under his breath as he popped the cover plate off the pad and pulled several clips from his pocket.  He connected the clips to the wires and the wires to his PADD.  He took a surreptitious glance over his shoulder before hunching forward to cover his work as he started running the hacking subroutine he had created to override the campus dorm security program.  He shifted restlessly as the program ran, his mind wandering in concern.  

_Where the hell are you Bones?_

_So, help me God if you_ are _in there, you better be dead, ‘cause if you’re not, I’m gonna kill you!_    

Jim had seen hide nor hair of Leonard McCoy in three days.  And, while it wasn’t unusual for the two men to be too busy to see each other for days at time, it was highly unusual for more than a day to pass without some type of communication.  A comm message, a quickly jotted note on a PADD if one missed the other in their dorm room, a message conveyed through a friend or left with a nurse in medical.  

But, no. 

No one, as far as Jim could determine, had seen or heard from McCoy since he'd finished his clinic shift on Tuesday.  He wasn’t in class on Wednesday or Thursday and he didn’t show for the meeting he’d scheduled with his advisor on Thursday afternoon.  Jim had found out that little tidbit after chatting up the advisor’s distinctly unattractive secretary.  The things he wouldn’t do for Bones.   

It was now Friday. 

At first, Jim had assumed that Bones was huddled up somewhere studying for final exams, which started the following week.  In truth, Jim had been so focused on his own studying and the assignments due at the end of the semester that he hadn’t much worried about his friend’s absence.  What raised the red flag was the call he had gotten that morning when Bones had failed to show for his scheduled clinic shift. 

Bones never missed his clinic shifts.  

Ever. 

So, he had thought quick and informed the head of the clinic infirmary that yes, Bones was sick, no, it wasn’t serious, and yes, he would have him call as soon as he felt well enough to do so and that he was sure Bones would be back for his next scheduled shift on Tuesday. 

Yeah, so he'd lied.  But that was really nothing new.  

So, now Jim was breaking into his dorm room to confirm that, Leonard H. McCoy, MD, PhD, was indeed deceased, because there was just no other explanation that made any sense.  

Except, maybe if he was drunk. 

But Bones hadn’t imbibed like that, to the point of blacking out, since the first month they had arrived at Starfleet.  No, he had worked hard to clean himself up and had managed to adjust to the new expectations of a life he'd never thought he would be living.  And Jim felt no small sense of pride in the fact that perhaps he had been instrumental in Bones’ change of heart.   Heck, if not for Jim, Bones might have washed out that first month. 

The key pad suddenly chimed acceptance of his entry code, startling him out of his thoughts, the light flashing green as the door slid open.  Jim quickly gathered his things and replaced the faceplate as he nervously scanned what he could see of the room from the hallway.   

He didn’t need to enter the room to know that something was wrong.  It was a mess.  Of course, he had known something was wrong the minute the door rejected McCoy’s entry code.  Bones had given him that code a year ago and, no matter what had happened between them, he had never changed it.  And you better believe that Jim had given him plenty of reasons to want to change it.  So, if he hadn’t changed it after the time Jim had entertained a guest in Bones’ bed, there was no reason he would change it now.   

The room smelled musty, like it had been closed up during the unseasonable heat wave San Francisco had been experiencing.  If Leonard had been here, the windows would be wide open to catch the slight breeze that blew in off the bay.  But Jim was relieved to not smell the permeating odor of Bourbon, or the heavy sweet smell of human decay.  Jim stopped in the center of the room and tried to quickly push down the rising nausea that accompanied that sense memory.  Because without even trying, Jim could smell the heavy, humid odor of decaying bodies, and for just a moment he was back there among them.  Jim could feel the panic starting to wind its tendrils around his chest, his breath becoming labored.  So, he stood still and closed his eyes, took several deep breaths, concentrating on the musty scent of the apartment instead and counted slowly to ten.  When he opened his eyes, he was once again standing in the center of Bones’ messy room and his heart rate and respirations were returning to normal.   

Jim wiped the clammy sweat from his forehead with one shaky hand and moved to open the window to air the place out.  He had to step over and around a confusing jumble of Bones’ personal possessions as he moved around the room, but after a cursory glance through the bedroom, bathroom and kitchenette, Jim had learned several things.  One, Bones wasn’t here.  Of course, that didn’t mean he wasn’t dead (or wouldn’t be once Jim got his hands on him), but he wasn’t dead here.  The other thing Jim noticed was that although the place looked like it had been tossed, nothing of any real value had been taken.  The holovid set-up was still there, Bones’ PADDs were stacked on his desk and his comm was on the sofa. 

_Damn._

That meant that there was no way for Jim to track him.

Jim moved to the bedroom and rifled through Bones’ dresser drawers and closet and it seemed to him that the only items missing were some clothes, his duffel bag, and a few sentimental items that he had brought with him when he'd enlisted.  Only what Leonard McCoy had brought with him.  Everything Starfleet had issued to  _Cadet_  McCoy was still here.  That didn’t bode well.  If Jim didn’t know any better, he would have to say that Bones had done a runner.  But why now?  Why nearly two years into their enlistment?   

 _Fuck, Bones.  What the hell happened?_  

Jim wandered back into the kitchenette taking stock of the empty bourbon bottle in the recycler and the shot glass in the sink.  He frowned and picked up the bottle and swirled the small bit remaining in the bottom.   Jim had made Bones promise him that he wouldn’t drink alone any more.  This bottle had been a birthday present from Jim.  The last time he had seen the bottle, only a couple of weeks ago, it had still been half full.  Now it was empty.  Wherever Bones went, he wasn’t happy about it. 

Jim moved back to the living area and retrieved the discarded comm.  He flipped it open and entered Bones’ password.  Joanna’s birthdate.   _Really?_   Hardly a secure password, but that was Bones for you.  There were 23 unread messages, 18 of which were from Jim alone, several from his advisor and several from medical. 

He then shuffled through the PADDs on Bones’ desk, found his personal PADD and powered it up.  The open window on the PADD brought him to a halt.  It was open to the last message, which had been sent to Captain Christopher Pike.  Jim quickly scanned the message and felt his sense of disorientation and nausea returning.  It was a letter of  _resignation_.  Jim dropped heavily into the desk chair and tried to get his mind to focus as he reread the document before him.   

 _What the fucking hell?_    

 _Why had Bones typed a resignation letter and posted it to Pike?_  

The message had been sent at 0200 on Thursday morning.  Jim quickly checked the history and was breathless with relief to see that it hadn’t been marked as read.  Pike hadn’t seen it yet!  Maybe there was still time to fix this.  He moved quickly and hacked into Pike’s inbox, his finger hesitating only for a moment before he hit the delete button erasing all trace of the letter. After which, Jim sat lost in thought for several long minutes, trying to think out what his next move should be.  

Before he did anything else, he needed to figure out why Bones had resigned, so he moved on to the folder of messages received.  It only took a moment to find the reason for Leonard McCoy’s resignation.  Several lines down the list, before Jim’s obnoxious attempts at goading Bones into contacting him, sat a message with the subject line, ‘Urgent - Thought you would be interested in this.’   

Jim pulled up the message, downloaded the attachment and found himself staring at a copy of a newspaper notice announcing the upcoming adoption hearing for Joanna Louise McCoy.  Jim sat stunned as he read the legal notice several times and tried to make sense of how Joanna could possibly be adopted by someone named Clay Treadway, someone who definitely was not her father, especially when her father was right here, alive and well.  Well, he actually wasn't right here.  Not anymore.  But now Jim knew exactly where he would find Bones.  The hearing in Atlanta was scheduled for Tuesday. 

Well. 

Guess Bones wasn’t going to make his next clinic shift after all. 

Jim stood and started pacing the cluttered room as he parsed the information from the article and its ramifications.  Jim defaulted automatically to his tactical training and started running scenarios, calculating all possible outcomes and formulating a plan of attack.  The big question was how best to achieve a satisfactory outcome for all interested parties. 

 As he saw it, there were essentially two desired outcomes.  The first priority was stopping that adoption.  The second was to bring Bones back.  Jim just didn’t know if the two outcomes were mutually compatible.  What if stopping the adoption, meant that Bones would have to assume custody?   

Jim knew Bones would never return if it came to a choice between custody of Joanna and remaining in Starfleet.   

Jim ran both hands through his hair in frustration as he was forced to discard option after option until he came to a stop, staring unseeing once more in front of the desk.  There were just too many unknown variables to accurately predict a successful outcome and Jim knew that a successful outcome for Bones, might very well mean an unsuccessful outcome for him.  But Jim’s feelings for Bones went way beyond his selfish need to keep his friend close.  He also wanted him to be happy.  

 _Huh._    

Yeah.  It felt a little unfamiliar, but Jim was sure that Bones’ happiness was more important to him than his own.  Was maturity finally rearing its ugly head?  God he hoped not, because if Jim was being completely honest with himself, he had to also admit that whatever happened, he just wanted Bones to come back.  He didn’t want to lose him.   

Of course, logically, Jim had known of Joanna’s existence.  He knew that Bones had a child and that she was out there, somewhere.  But it was still hard for him to accept that there was someone else in Bones’ life that would always take priority over his friendship with Jim, so he had chosen to ignore that little fact.  After all, up until this moment, Joanna had really just been theoretical, not really impacting his life in any appreciable way.  Now, however, he was suddenly faced with her being a very real reality and it looked like he was going to have to brace for her impact. 

 _Damn._  

Jim shook away the uncomfortable feeling of being abandoned yet again and instead prepared to do what needed to be done, not unlike every other difficult situation he had ever encountered in his life.  He glanced at the chrono on the desk, he only had a little over an hour to get packed and make the next shuttle for Atlanta, but first he needed to hack a few more ‘fleet systems. 

He sat down to Bones’ com terminal and rolled his neck and shoulders, shaking his muscles out until some of the tension loosened, and started typing.  First he composed a short letter from Bones to Pike to replace the resignation letter he had deleted.  Jim knew it would look more legitimate coming from Bones’ personal terminal.  But instead of resigning, he requested an emergency leave of absence for personal reasons.  Jim didn’t go into detail other than to say that his (Bones’) presence was required in Atlanta.  Next he sent messages to the instructors of the classes that Bones had missed, as well as his advisor.  Last he informed Starfleet Medical of the necessity of rearranging his clinic schedule.  When he was done, Jim sat back and reviewed his work before hitting send.   

That finished he hurried back to his own dorm, threw a few things in a bag and headed to the shuttle port.  It wasn’t until he was seated and the shuttle was powering up that Jim bothered to spare a thought to his own unexcused absence.  There wasn’t much he could do about it now.  He would probably end up having to tell his instructors he was sick.  Hopefully they would be willing to work with him to reschedule his final exams.  Jim was a top student, so he wasn’t too worried, and, with any luck, he might be able to find a doctor willing to write him an excuse.  That is if that doctor didn’t punch him first. 

After all, Jim was butting in where he wasn’t invited.  Not like that really bothered him, and frankly, Bones should be used to it by now, but Jim was a little worried about what type of reception awaited him in Atlanta.  Oh, and then there was the problem of finding Bones once he got to Atlanta.  All he had to go on at this point was the address of the courthouse Bones would most likely be at on Tuesday.  Jim had no idea where Bones would stay until then.  Was there family he would stay with?  Would he be in a hotel?  Considering Bones probably only arrived in the city the day before, hopefully he could find someone who remembered him.  The first thing he would check would be the car rental counters at the shuttle port. 

Jim stewed in his thoughts as the shuttle arced high over the North American continent and was surprised when his comm chirped to alert him to an incoming message.  He scrambled to fish it out of his pocket hoping against hope that it was Bones.  It wasn’t.  It was Pike. 

 

Captain Christopher Pike 

Commandant of Students 

Starfleet Academy 

Emergency leave request has been granted for Cadets James T. Kirk and Leonard H. McCoy.   

 

  _The hell?_   Official notification approving leave for him  _and_  Bones?   The leave for Bones he could understand.  But why was it sent to Jim’s comm and why was he included in the request?   

 

Jim only had a moment to wonder before his comm chirped again.  The next message that popped up was from Pike’s personal comm. 

 

Pike, C. to Kirk, J. 

Just bring him back.  And Jim, let me know if you need anything. 

 

Pike must have seen Bones’ original resignation letter.  It had been a long shot that Pike hadn’t forwarded his work correspondence to route automatically to his personal comm.  That meant that deleting the resignation letter had only deleted it from the Starfleet account, not Pike’s personal account.  Well, hell.  He was sure Pike would call him on it when he got back, but in the meantime, this was working out better than he had planned.  Chalk another one up to what Bones would call Kirk’s ‘goddamn ability to roll in shit and come out smelling like a rose.’

 

With one less worry on his plate, Jim settled back into the seat and tried to get some sleep before they touched down in Georgia.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my first foray into this fandom and only the second fic I have ever posted. Constructive criticism is welcome.


	2. Chapter Two

Jim landed in Georgia late Friday afternoon and after flashing his most charming smile around the rental car counters, he was told that Bones had indeed rented a car and had listed his local address as the Hotel Carlisle, Atlanta. 

By the time Jim’s cab pulled up in front of the hotel in Atlanta’s historic district the sun was hanging low in the sky.  As the sun had dropped so had the temperature, but not the humidity.  It was going to be a muggy night. 

Jim could already feel the itch under his skin as he examined the elegant old hotel and realized he would have to be on his best behavior.  He unconsciously straightened his shoulders, standing to his full height, and pulled on the mask of confidence that hid the small boy inside who felt uncomfortably out of place here.    

Jim hitched his bag higher onto his shoulder and tried not to feel self-conscious as the glass lobby door slid open.  He ignored the desk clerk’s slightly raised brow as he took in Jim’s ratty jeans and leather jacket and took a minute to worry about how he was going to talk the hotel clerk into giving him a key to Bones’ room before he decided it was unnecessary.  Instead, Jim asked the clerk to put through a call to Leonard McCoy and watched as the clerk dialed the room to announce him, room 516, but there was no answer.  Armed with the room number, Jim ducked into the stairwell and headed for the fifth floor.  Bones might be in, just not answering his phone.

Jim hacked the lock ignoring the ‘do not disturb’ sign, but found the room empty.  Bone’s duffle bag sat unopened, the bed neatly made.  He checked the bathroom but nothing was out of place.  It didn’t look like Bones had spent much time in his room.  So, where had he spent the night?  He was in Atlanta.  He knew people here.  He must have friends here.  That thought twisted Jim’s gut.  That there was a friend Bones would seek out instead of him. 

Not willing to just sit and wait until he returned, Jim headed out.

Jim’s knowledge about Bones’ life before Starfleet was limited.  In a city this size, he had no idea where Bones may have gone.  He decided to check the hotel bar first, but that would have been too easy, and nothing with Bones was ever easy, so Jim started a systematic search of the bars in the area, starting with the ones closest to the hotel and working his way out from there.  He knew Bones had worked at Atlanta General Hospital until his marriage had ended, maybe one of the bars closer to the hospital. 

He had a photo of Bones on his comm and showed it to a couple of bartenders, but no one had seen him.  Some remembered him, but no one had seen him recently.

Jim stood on the sidewalk and contemplated the sixth bar of the night.  This one was dark and the bass beat emanating from inside was consistent with the classic rock play list Bones preferred.  Jim walked in and took a look around before slowly walking the perimeter.  He was pretty sure that when he found him, Bones would be holed up in some dark corner with his back against the wall.  It was his preferred position.  All the better to keep his eye on what was going on.  He would feel too exposed sitting at the bar, plus he wouldn’t sit there unless he was hoping to be approached.  Again that twist in his gut. 

_What the fuck?_  

The patrons in this establishment seemed to be a little older, professional looking, and Jim was pretty sure that he wouldn’t find Bones here.  There would be too great a chance of his running into old acquaintances and co-workers this close to the hospital and Jim didn’t think Bones would want to run into anyone from his previous life, not when he felt like he had taken a step backwards since the divorce.

No, what Bones would be looking for tonight was anonymity.  If it had been Jim, he would have been looking for the loudest most crowded atmosphere to lose himself in.  Or was Bones looking for something to distract himself?  Jim would never find him if Bones had found someone to take him home and take his mind off his troubles.  And Jim couldn’t blame him, it was what he would have done.  But Bones wasn’t Jim.  Thank God.  Knowing the doctor, he was probably drowning his sorrows and punishing himself by relentlessly harping on his failures, and that always resulted in drinking to the point where he could barely walk.  All the more reason to find him quickly.

The next bar, a little further down the street seemed promising.  It was more like the dives Jim preferred than what Bones normally sought out, but under the circumstances, Jim thought it was promising.  It took a moment for his eyes to adjust to the dimly lit atmosphere.  The bar was stacked several deep and the dance floor was packed.  The pulsing beat of the music, which would normally have coaxed him to the floor and into the midst of the inebriated, scantily clad bodies, tonight just served to strengthen the headache that had started pounding at the back of his skull, competing for dominance with the dance beat.

He took a quick look around and didn’t see Bones, but not all of the tables and booths were visible from the door.  He made a quick circuit around the room, located the most likely area of success and headed towards the few booths separated from the dance floor by pool tables. 

Jim made his way through the narrow space between the tables and the players standing along the wall, waiting while one good looking guy leaned across the table in front of him, sighted down his cue and took his shot.  Jim took the opportunity to enjoy the view before scanning the back booths, his eyes stopping on a tall brunet sunk deep in the shadows of the corner booth.  He was facing away from Jim, so he could only see him in profile, his head hanging over the drink his hands worried at on the table, but Jim knew Bones by heart, knew his mannerisms, knew him from every angle and in every type of light. 

Jim’s attention was drawn back to the pool game as he started to negotiate his way through the crowd when he found pool guy giving him an appreciative once over.  There was no missing the calculating gleam in his eyes and Jim had to smile.  He shrugged apologetically as he nodded in Bones’ direction and pool guy returned the shrug good naturedly before turning to line up his next shot.  Jim just sighed at the awesome view and turned away.  It wasn’t like Jim hadn’t attracted his fair share of attention throughout the night, but he had always politely declined, keeping his focus on finding the man currently seated alone at the corner table.

Judging by the number of empty gasses on the table, Bones had been here for quite a while.  Jim took a moment to take in his friend's appearance and, man, was Bones looking rough.  He was rumpled like he was wearing the same clothes from yesterday and he was sporting a light beard which meant that he hadn't bothered shaving in several days. 

Jim approached slowly from the blind spot just off Bones' left shoulder.  

“Do you really think that’s a good idea?” 

The doctor didn’t even flinch and didn’t bother to turn before lifting the whiskey glass to his lips.  He took one slow sip, rolling it around in his mouth before he swallowed.  He savored the burn before replying, “That’s none of your fuckin’ business, Jim.”  He frowned into his glass, “None of this is.” 

Jim slid smoothly into the booth opposite Bones, “Well, see, that’s where you’re wrong.  It kind of is my business when my best friend up and leaves.”  Jim’s bright blue eyes stared deeply into tired hazel, so he didn’t miss the quick flash of guilt at Jim’s flippant statement, but Bones didn’t rise to the challenge, and instead took another long swallow.  He dropped his eyes from Jim's to the table and took a forced deep breath, his lips pressed into a tight line, his brow furrowed. 

"Look, Jim..." 

Jim’s anger flared hot in his gut, washing over and replacing the worry he had been feeding on for the past three days and he snapped.  “What the  _fuck_ ,  _Leonard_?  I thought you were _dead_.”  

McCoy rolled his eyes, “Don’t be so damn melodramatic, kid.”  He contemplated the liquid in his glass and sighed tiredly, “What the hell you doin’ here, Jim?”   

“What did you think would happen when you just up and disappeared?”  Yeah.  Bones had to have known this was inevitable.  Had to know Jim would look for him.  Jim tried to tamp down on his anger and keep his voice level.  “You resigned, for fuck’s sake.”

Bones took a deep breath.  “I didn’t have a choice.”

“You left.  You left and you didn’t say anything.”  Jim could hear the reproach in his own voice, but fuck it.  He was a little hurt that his best friend hadn’t thought it was important enough to tell him before up and leaving and he couldn’t help the tiny spiteful part of himself that took pleasure in Bones’ discomfort. 

“I’m sorry, Jim.  But I really didn’t have a choice.  I found out that Jocelyn’s new husband has filed to adopt Joanna.”  He looked at Jim helplessly.  “What was I supposed to do?  Some other man is trying to adopt my daughter.  Hell, I knew when I left that I wouldn’t be able to see her, maybe not until she was older, but I…I didn’t think Jocelyn would completely erase me from Jo’s life.  Like I didn’t exist.”  Bones swallowed hard, his eyes welling at the thought.   He took a shaky breath and sat shaking his head sadly.  “Why are you here, Jim?  Couldn’t you just let me do this alone?  Don’t really need to air my dirty laundry in public.” 

Jim stood, took the glass from Bones’ hands and set it back on the table, fighting the urge to finish off the whisky himself and took Leonard by the arm none too gently.  “I’m here to help you get what you want.” 

“Oh?  And how you gonna do that?  There’s nothin' here that needs to be drunk, hacked or fucked that’s gonna help me get my baby back,” Leonard bit out spitefully, his drawl deepened by Bourbon, as he turned to face Jim. 

The sad, watery look in those hazel eyes tore at Jim's heart.  God, he hated seeing Bones hurting like this and it only made him that much more determined to find a way to help.  He put an edge of confident steel into his voice when he replied. 

“No, but there  _is_  going to be a fight and I’m pretty good in a fight.” 

Jim pulled Leonard to his feet and walked him towards the exit, “Don't forget, I’m not too bad at diplomacy and tactics either, so I think, between the two of us we should be able to figure something out.”

They flagged down a cab for the short ride back to the hotel.  In the dark back seat of the cab Bones slumped against Jim, leaning his head against Jim’s shoulder.

“I just wanted to see my baby again.”

“I know, Bones.”

They reached the Carlisle a few minutes later and Jim paid the driver before hoisting his friend out of the back seat.  Inside, Jim propped Bones against the elevator wall and pressed the button for his floor.  He contemplated his friend's hang dog expression and forced another small smile and his mask of false bravado into place. 

Bones wasn’t too steady on his feet and when the lift doors opened, Jim snuck under one of his arms, draping it across his shoulders and putting his other arm around the doctor’s waist. 

“Don't worry, Bones.  We’ll figure something out.  I've got your back, man."   Jim steered them to Bones’ door and took the hand hanging limply at his side and pressed it to the biometric lock.  The door slid open and Jim walked Bones to the bedroom.  He maneuvered him to the bed and ducked out from under the doctor who slumped heavily on the edge with Jim only managing to keep him upright with a handful of the front of his shirt. 

“Besides, it never hurts to have a Kirk on your side.  As much as I hate to admit it,”  _and have spent my life running from it_ , “the name seems to carry some weight.” 

Leonard looked up at him blearily.  “That your solution?  Ya gonna lend me your name?”  The drawl had lengthened into a slur and Bones eyes were heavy lidded, he was barely managing to keep them open.

 Jim got a thoughtful look in his eyes. 

“Well, it’s about time someone took advantage of it.” Jim muttered as he cradled his friend’s head in one hand and gently guided him down on to the pillows.  He then slid an arm under his legs and swung them up and on to the mattress.  

“Damn, Bones, you’re going to have one hell of a hangover in the morning.”  There was no response. 

“Uh, Bones.  You might want to change before you go to sleep.”  Again no response.

“Right.  Well, I guess I could…,” Jim waved one hand indicating the doctor’s clothes. 

“Or, maybe I better not?” 

Jim wasn’t sure it was the best idea under the circumstances.  Then again, it wasn’t the worst idea he had ever had, and it wasn’t like he’d never seen Bones naked before, but it still felt all kinds of awkward, especially with Bones passed out.

Jim tried again.  “Bones.  Man, you gotta get out of these clothes.  You’ve been in them for two days already.  You can’t be comfortable.”   Bones just made a soft grunting noise deep in his throat.

“Alright.  That wasn’t a no.” Jim muttered to himself.

So Jim set about first removing Bones’ shoes and socks.  He quickly unbuttoned the doctor’s shirt, his fingers briefly running through the hair covering the strong chest as pushed it off Bones’ broad shoulders, he tried to ignore the feel of the smooth skin and strong muscles under his fingers as he fought to get his arms out of the constricting material.  Once off, Jim tossed it to the bottom of the bed then unbuckled his belt and carefully unzipped his jeans.  Jim tried to strip them off quickly by just pulling them off by the cuffs, but they refused his best efforts and Jim was forced to climb onto the bed and maneuver the jeans down over Bones’ hips and down his thighs leaving him in only his boxer briefs.  Jim ignored the feel of Bones beneath him and refused to focus on Bones’ groin so close to his own.  He quickly moved to the bottom of the bed and pulled the jeans the rest of the way off before pulling the comforter loose and covering the unconscious doctor.

Once he had him tucked under the covers and Bones was snoring softly, Jim returned to the living room and dropped into a chair where he sat staring unseeing out the window the rest of the night. 

 

oOo

Leonard felt the heavy slap of something landing across his legs startling him awake.

“Come on.  Get up.  Get dressed.  We’re getting married.” Jim announced cheerfully.

He cracked one eye and looked suspiciously at the clothes Jim had chosen for him to wear.

Leonard rubbed his eyes sleepily and tried to make sense of the words that were coming out of Jim’s mouth, but all he could hear was the blood pounding in his skull.   It was too fuckin’ early to deal with Jim Kirk’s shit.  Hell, he hadn’t even had his coffee yet and Jim knew damn well he didn’t function without coffee.  Len made a disgruntled noise as he reached out to the night stand blindly searching for the ever present med kit and a hypo that would make the headache and fuzziness in his brain disappear.  If only he could make Jim disappear as easily.  Len pressed the hypo to his neck and administered the detox meds, rubbing the injection site until his vision started to clear.

Jim stood beside the bed staring down at him, a smile quirking the corners of his mouth, but Len noticed that the smile wasn't reaching his azure eyes.  God those eyes.   _How could they be so fucking blue?_   He just didn't know.   

How was he supposed to deal with Jim and his damn smirk and his damn eyes with a hangover and no coffee?  Leonard didn’t have a clue.

_Fuck.  There better be a replicator in this damn room at the prices they’re charging._

He rubbed his chin and groaned at the rough beard remembering that he hadn’t showered or shaved in three days now. 

“Yeah, I wasn’t going to say anything, but Bones, man, you stink.” 

As the meds took effect, reality came filtering back into his sluggish consciousness.  His stretched, idly replaying what Jim had been saying, when Leonard's attention suddenly snapped back to Jim as his brain managed to make sense of the gibberish Jim had been spouting. 

_What the…_

“Married?!”

He sat up and stared Jim down.  Jim’s grin widened in amusement now that Len had managed to catch up.

“Are you out of your fuckin’ mind?!  Scratch that."  Len angrily threw the covers aside and stood, "I know you’re out of your fuckin’ mind.”  He stalked off to the bathroom to relieve himself.  Leaving Jim to shout after him through the closed door.  

“Look, if you want to stop that adoption you need to show you’re stable, committed and able to provide for your daughter.” 

In the bathroom Leonard took the time to notice he was only wearing his boxers.  The thought of Jim undressing him last night was a dangerous one he chose to ignore and focused on the task at hand.  And God, didn’t that lead to unfortunate thoughts as well.  So, he answered Jim instead.

“And I show that by rushin’ off and marryin’ someone the day before the hearing?”  Len’s accent was thicker in the morning, vowels drawn longer with his anger.  Len had raised his voice to be heard over the water running in the sink.  He knew Jim was lurking outside and waiting until he opened the door before he continued.

“Yeah, _you_ should be committed,” Len muttered under his breath as he opened the door and pushed past Jim to get to the replicator.   “And stop grinnin’ at me like an idiot!” 

He refused to acknowledge the fact that he was still half naked and stalked across the room with single minded purpose in his pursuit of caffeine.  It was the only thing that could make sense of this nightmare.

Len programmed the replicator and waited a little self-consciously as Jim still stood staring at him like he was waiting for something.  Well, fuck, he was just going to have to wait two damn minutes.  Leonard retrieved the coffee and took a large gulp, choking on the scalding, and from his perspective, barely palatable liquid.  _Damn replicator coffee._   But he was in no position to be choosy.  He just needed as much caffeine on board as possible and right fucking now.  Once he had drained the mug and the meds had fully circulated through his system and he was feeling more human, he contemplated the blonde who stood with his arms crossed, a disgruntled expression on his face.

“Now Jim, what the hell are you going on about?”

Jim frowned.  “Do you think you could put some clothes on?”

Len chuckled, “Don’t tell me you’re uncomfortable?  Since when are you bothered by nudity, yours or anyone else’s?”

“Since I’m trying to have a serious conversation with you, you ass.”

“Serious?  You were serious?”  Len looked at him doubtfully. 

“Yeah.  I was serious.”  Jim’s eyes were dark and determined.

Len stared at him incredulously.

”What?  You want me to get down on one knee and propose to you?”

“You _are_ serious.”  Leonard was dumbfounded.

Jim looked at him helplessly and shrugged, “Well, why not?  It’s not like we’ve never…,” Jim quickly sidestepped around the ‘Subject That Will Not Be Discussed’ with an unsurprising sense of self-preservation.   "What I’m trying to say is that you’re more than just a friend.”   

 Leonard huffed a short laugh.  He had no such illusions.  “You mean to tell me that you would marry me just because of a drunken fuck?  Hell, kid, what about all the others?  If that’s your definition of ‘more than a friend’, would you marry them too?”   

Jim looked a little hurt and Leonard immediately regretted his harsh words.

Jim looked away, his face flushed, “No, you’re more than a friend, because to me …," his voice was rough and he cleared his throat, "because... because to me you’re family.”   

 Len shifted uncomfortably, his own face heating in embarrassment. 

 “You know I feel the same way, right, Jimmy?” Leonard’s voice was quiet and deadly serious.  There were some things you just didn’t joke about with Jim.

 Jim’s blush deepened at the term of affection and both men took a moment to compose themselves. 

Leonard looked at the exasperating man-child in front of him and found himself truly humbled.  He knew Jim didn’t really have any family, just a brother he hadn’t seen in years and a mother who was too busy in the black to care much about what was going on in her son’s life.  He was honored to call Jim Kirk his friend and in the past two years, Jim had been the one person who had always been there for him.  He’d stuck with Len when he was in danger of washing out and had pulled him through by the skin of his teeth.  Yeah.  Jim was more than a friend, had been for longer than Len had been willing to admit. 

Jim cleared his throat again and tried to get back to the matter at hand, “Yeah, well, any way, you show your commitment by marrying someone you’ve been in a relationship with for a year and a half.  Because face it Bones, we have a relationship.” 

Yeah, they had a relationship, Leonard just didn’t know how to define that relationship.  Jim apparently didn’t know either, because he took the easy way out. 

“Hell, we’re already ‘family’ so why not make it official?  Besides, doing this will show the court you’re committed to providing a consistent and stable life for your daughter.” 

Leonard looked Jim over, really looked at him.  His eyes, his body language, it all seemed sincere and he remembered how he and Jocelyn had practically lived as single individuals in the same house for years.  This was really no different.  Hell, he and Jim even communicated better than he and his wife had for the most part.  Marriage after all, after the fantasy bullshit was stripped away, was really only a piece of paper.   It was just a business transaction.  And when it came right down to it, Leonard desperately needed Jim to get to see his daughter.  Jim Kirk didn't believe in no-win scenarios.  If he thought this was possible, then Bones desperately wanted to share that faith.

Leonard would do anything for Joanna and if marrying his best friend allowed him to secure custody or visitation, then it seemed like a small price to pay. 

 

oOo

“How stable is it when I head off into the black after graduation?”  

Jim looked up in surprise as Bones passed him the salt.  He hadn’t known Bones was planning on requesting a shipboard posting.   Jim’s heart soared at the idea that Bones, affirmed aviophobe, had actually been contemplating following him into the black.  But his joy was short lived when he realized that the outcome of this hearing could permanently alter any future plans.  So, reciting his personal mantra, ‘Do what needs to be done, deal with the consequences later’, he pushed aside any possible regrets and took the salt shaker. 

He focused on preparing his burger while Bones picked at his salad.  They had agreed to continue the conversation over lunch and Jim was hoping to get a little more information about the terms of Bones and Jocelyn’s divorce decree and what Bones was hoping for in the custody hearing.

“Well, are you requesting full custody?  If you are then you could request a planet side posting.  Besides, lots of Starfleet families have one spouse in space and the other planet side or on a space station.”   

Bones frowned, the crease between his eyes heavy and defined.  “I couldn’t hope to get full custody.  I would just be happy not losing my child and maybe even getting visitation rights at this point.”   

“Yeah, well, we’re not going to tell them that.”  Jim popped a fry into his mouth and chewed thoughtfully before continuing.  “Negotiations 101, go in high, it leaves you room to negotiate.  So we request full custody and negotiate until we get an acceptable visitation schedule.”   He punctuated that statement by pointing another ketchup covered fry in Bones’ direction.

“You really think we have a chance at that?”  Bones looked skeptical.

“Definitely.  Either way, Treadway isn’t going to be able to adopt Joanna, because you’re here to contest it.”  Jim scrubbed a hand through his hair in frustration, “How the hell did this happen anyway, Bones?  Did you actually sign away your parental rights in the divorce?” 

Len looked away, his mouth drawn down at the corners and set his fork aside.  “You have no idea how bad it was Jim.  I just needed to get the hell out and I signed whatever Joce put in front of me.  I gave her everything, the house, our savings, even Joanna.  But I sure as hell didn’t give up my parental rights.  But I did agree that Jocelyn would get full custody and that I wouldn’t see Joanna without her permission.  I let her have full decision making in her raising.”  He sighed in defeat and pushed his plate away.  “I didn’t give up complete parental rights, but I might as well have.”  

Jim was sure Len could see the disapproval in his eyes, because he became defensive.

“You don’t understand, Jim.”   

No, Jim didn’t understand and even if Bones tried to explain it to him, he would never understand how he could abandon his daughter.  Oh, Jim knew perfectly well through personal experience that parents could leave their children, but he would never have thought Bones capable of such cruelty.  Jim knew exactly what it felt like to believe that your mother or father just didn’t care.  But Jim knew that Bones cared.  He also knew that if Bones didn’t do this now and become a real presence in Joanna’s life, that one day she would know how it felt as well.   

Bones sat with his head in his hands and he was so evidently heart-broken that Jim started to second guess his course of action.  To Jim, marriage had no real meaning.  He had no real examples of a happy committed marriage to draw on after all, so to him it was no big deal.  A marriage certificate didn’t really represent commitment to him.  Anyone could get married, and very few marriages seemed to be built on true love.  And even if true love existed, which Jim doubted, it didn’t mean you would live happily ever after.  Look at Bones’ marriage, look at his mother’s marriage.  To Jim love meant pain.  Yet, despite how his marriage had ended, Jim knew that Bones was a romantic at heart, that he still believed in love, he had just become disillusioned after the divorce.  

Jim was a skilled tactician and not above using that disillusionment to their advantage.  And this was a brilliant battle maneuver to let Bones win the war. 

But maybe, just maybe, Bones had been right in the first place.  Maybe he would be happier returning to civilian life and taking full custody of Joanna.

It still rankled that Bones had submitted his resignation without talking to Jim.  Logically Jim knew Bones did the only thing he felt he could do under the circumstances, but he also knew that Bones hadn’t been thinking clearly.  He had been running on pure emotion.  Emotion and bourbon.  Maybe if he had talked it over with Jim they could have found another solution rather than forcing Bones into an arrangement that went against his basic beliefs.  So, he decided to offer him an out.

 “Maybe there’s another way,” Jim hedged.  “You could go to JAG, maybe they can intercede for you.”

“Maybe, if there had been more time, but I only found out about the adoption on Wednesday.   The hearing is Tuesday.  The application must have been submitted months ago, the courts don’t move quickly, but I was never officially notified.”  Bones’ voice rose in impotent anger, “As her father, I shoulda been notified!

“Instead, someone sent me the local newspaper notice that they’re legally required to run before adoptions, probate hearings and the like.  So, you know, any interested parties can respond.”

“So, who sent it to you?”

“I have no idea.  It’s not like I’ve been in contact with anyone.”  Jim suspected that there was more to the story from the guilty look on Bones' face.  

“No one knew where you were?  Not even your family?”  Jim asked the question that had bothered him since they had met on that shuttle ride years ago.  As far as Jim knew, Len hadn’t been in contact with anyone from Georgia since he’d joined Starfleet.  Didn’t anyone care where Leonard McCoy had gone? 

“Ain’t no one who cared to know.”   Bones hesitated before continuing.   

“I up and left, I didn’t tell anyone where I was goin’ and I haven’t been in touch with anyone since I left town.   I haven’t seen or spoken to Jocelyn or Joanna since we signed the divorce papers.” Len looked guilty as he added, “I never really tried to.  I just figured she would say no.” 

Jim processed that.  It’s not like Bones was actually trying to hide.  He was hiding in plain sight if anyone had bothered to look.  McCoy was still on Earth, still working as a doctor and was an attending physician at a prestigious hospital.  He was publishing research and representing Starfleet at the occasional medical conference at the Federation’s behest.  Jim knew it would have only taken a minimum of effort for Bones’ family or Jocelyn to have found him.  That meant that notice, buried in the Atlanta Gazette, the one place Bones definitely wasn’t, wasn’t meant to be seen.  Jim’s indignation on his friends behalf only continued to grow at the evidence of the treatment he was receiving from people who once claimed to love him.  Jim knew what that felt like.

“So, they posted the notice in the local papers, knowing you had left the area and hoping that you wouldn’t see it, at least not in time to attend the hearing and contest the adoption. “ 

“That’s about the size of it.

“I got back from my late shift at the clinic Tuesday night, I was so damn beat that I didn’t check my messages until the next day.  Then, I just, I don’t know, I just couldn’t think.  I must have reread that notice a hundred times trying to make sense of it.  I guess I just, I felt like I’d already lost everything once and now it was happening all over again.  I really don’t remember much of the rest of the afternoon, but I must have passed out at some point.  When I woke up, I just decided nothing mattered anymore except getting back here.”  Bones fixed Jim with a searching, begging look, “You gotta understand Jim.  I’m gonna do whatever I need to, I gotta try to get my daughter back.  She’s the only thing left that matters.  The only good thing I’ve ever done in my life.

Though Jim’s feelings were raw he tried his best to support the only person who mattered in _his_ life.  “Bones, you know that’s not true.”

“Maybe not,” he admitted grudgingly, “but that’s how it feels, Jim.” 

And wasn’t that a kick in the head?  Where did that leave, Jim?  He felt like a heel hoping against hope for something that he knew wasn’t likely to happen, that Bones would choose to stay at the academy and graduate with him.  Head into the black with him.  But that desire warred with the other half of Jim who wanted his best friend to be happy and knew it was important for Bones to be a presence in his daughter’s life.  Bones needed his daughter and Jim knew better than most, that Joanna needed her father.

Jim didn’t want to be the one to come between a child and their father.  But he couldn’t help wondering when it was going to be his turn to come first in someone’s life.  Well, Jim would just do what Jim did best.  He would survive once again on his own.  Right now all that mattered was making sure Bones was happy.

Jim slipped into his cockiest grin and let it light up his face.  “Well, then I guess it’s a good think I came.   What do you say Bones?  Will you marry me?”

“God, I gotta be out of my fuckin’ mind, too.” 

“Is that a yes, Bones?”

“Yes, Jim.  God help me.  I will marry you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading and the wonderful comments. The hits and kudos make my day! I hope you will enjoy this installment. I admit it was a bit of a struggle, because I have become focused on the later chapters. I think this story might play out in some interesting ways which might not be apparent at first and it may become a series. So, enjoy!


	3. Chapter Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had some struggles with POV on this chapter, so I have delineated where POV changes. You can tell McCoy's POV because he refers to himself as Len. You can tell Kirk's POV because he calls him Bones. I hope it isn't too confusing.

After lunch, Leonard and Jim had decided to head back to the room.  Jim said he needed his PADD and comm to start making plans. 

Wedding plans.

Fuck.

What the hell had he just agreed to?  Leonard couldn’t really wrap his head around what marrying Jim might even look like. 

God, he needed a drink, but Jim had vetoed that idea, at least for now.  He was anxious to return some comm messages which he refused to elaborate on when Leonard had asked.  Instead he had sat Len down on the sofa and handed him his own PADD and told him to make a list of what they would need to do before the adoption hearing.

Len stared down at the blank PADD in front of him at a complete loss and unable to focus long enough to make any notes.  Instead he watched Jim pacing on the balcony outside their room, totally engrossed and making grand hand gestures to emphasize his arguments.  He watched Jim move.  He really was something to behold.  Objectively, Len knew that Jim was a good looking man, hell he was damn pretty is what he was.  He had seen that even under the cuts and bruises he’d sported the first time they had met.

Len forced himself to focus back on the PADD.

His list

 

Suit for Jim

Alcohol

was short. 

 

“That’s it?  That’s all you’ve got?” 

Len looked up startled to see Jim standing right in front of him, reading his PADD upside down.  He hadn’t even heard him approach.  He looked back down at this list and noticed the time in the corner of the PADD display, he had been sitting and staring at the four words he’d typed for the last forty minutes, but he couldn’t bring to mind what he had even been thinking about.  It was as if time had just stopped for him.  He should probably have been alarmed at his own unresponsiveness, but the doctor part of his brain recognized it for what it was, mild shock.  And fuck if Jim hadn’t retrieved his tricorder from his medkit and was scanning him.  Normally he would feel indignant, probably rant at him for messing with his equipment, but right now, he just couldn’t bring himself to care.

“Here, drink this.”

Len blinked at the glass of brandy that had suddenly appeared in front of him, then looked up into Jim’s concerned blue eyes.

 Jim gestured with the glass, “Come on, Bones, drink up.”

Len carefully took the glass, placed it to his lips and took a fortifying sip.  He closed his eyes and felt the burn as the alcohol warmed him from the inside out.  The feeling spread through him and washed away the cold that he hadn’t realized had sunk in to his bones leaving him shivering.  Jim pulled a blanket off the bed and draped it around his shoulders before he sat down beside him.  He took his free hand in his own and Len realized just how cold he was.  Jim’s long fingers gently chaffed his skin trying to warm him quicker.

“That’s it Bones.  Keep drinking.”

Huh.  When had he stopped? 

He blinked again when he realized he had been staring at Jim, just holding the glass before his lips, and flushed a little, embarrassed that the blond had to keep prompting him to do the simplest tasks.  He was a doctor dammit.  He knew the treatment for shock and it wasn’t brandy, but it did seem to be doing the trick.  Time seemed to be moving at its normal rate once again.

He finished sipping the drink and watched Jim from the corner of his eye. 

“What’s worrying you Bones?” 

And that was an unusual way for him to put the question.   Jim knew he was undoubtedly worried, he knew that already, what he wanted to know was what exactly he was worrying about.

“How’s this gonna work, Jim?  What if I get visitation rights?  They’re usually pretty strict about the schedule, like every other week, every third weekend, she gets Christmas, I get Thanksgiving, she gets Mother’s Day, I get Father’s Day.  You get the point.”  Len pulled the blanket closer about himself and settled against Jim’s side, his hand still in Jim’s.

“How’m I gonna do that from San Francisco?  Jo would need to be in one school year round.  Does that mean that I have to move back to Georgia?  Don’t get me wrong.  I would do it in a heartbeat for my baby girl.  It’s just…”

“It’s just that you don’t want to.”  Jim finished for him, his fingers stilling on Len’s until he was only bushing his wrist absently with his thumb.

“Yeah.  But what I want doesn’t matter.  I just never planned on having to come back to Georgia.  There’s just too much history here.”   They sat quietly, Len sipping and Jim lost in thought his thumb still brushing along Len’s pulse point.

“And what if I actually got custody?  Where would I live with Joanna?  Joce would get visitation, so I couldn’t take her off planet.  I suppose I could take her to San Francisco, but there’s no way I could take a starship posting.  Either way, I don’t see how I could’ve stayed in Starfleet.”   Len didn’t voice the implied, ‘or with you’.

“Ok.  Are you done spinning your web of despair?” Jim let go of his hand and reached for the bottle of brandy on the coffee table and refilled Len’s glass.  “Have another drink.” 

Len just stared at him, with one eyebrow raised so high it was at risk of disappearing into his hair line.

“Don’t give me that look.  You know you have a tendency to overreact, you’re a natural pessimist.” 

Len pursed his lips at that pronouncement, but since he couldn’t argue it he chose to sip his drink instead.   Jim settled back turning slightly to face him. 

“First of all, we have no idea what’s going to happen at this point.  Whatever happens, Bones, we’ll make it work.  If you get custody, then maybe you could still work at Starfleet medical.  Maybe you could teach at the academy.  If you get visitation, maybe we could negotiate a favorable schedule around your duty obligations.  Either way, you would have Jo.”

Yeah.  There is that. 

But would he have Jim?

Jim. 

Len flicked his eyes up to Jim’s.  “We’re gonna be _married_ , Jim.  Do you have any idea what that means?  What’s gonna happen when,” he paused, “ _if_ I go back to the academy?”

“Exactly.  _If_.”  Jim looked grim.  “We have no idea how this is going to play out, so there’s no point in worrying about it now. Let’s just do what we have to do to be prepared for the hearing.  We’ll worry about the rest of it later.”

That was easy for Jim to say.  He was a master of flying by the seat of his pants.  Len would swear the kid could change course on a dime when the unexpected happened.  Len wasn’t that adaptable in his personal life.  It was one of the reasons Jim had acclimated to the academy so much easier than he had.  As a doctor, though, Len always had to be prepared for the unexpected, to change treatment when a patient presented with new symptoms.  He was just going to have to rely on his training to get him through the next few days and put aside his natural tendency to worry.

 Again.  Easier said than done.

Jim put a hand on Len’s shoulder and gave him a little shake.  “Look, Bones, nothing much really has to change.  No matter what happens, when we go back to San Francisco things can go pretty much go back to the way they were.  You’ll just have your daughter with you or visiting you on occasion.” 

“Except, we’ll be married.”  Len stated slowly like Jim was stupid.

“Yeah, but who says anyone has to know?”  Jim stated just as slowly.

“You mean we’re gonna be legally married, but you want to keep it a secret?”  He knew Jim was trying to reassure him, but it just didn’t set right with him.  Would Jim be embarrassed to be married to him?  Or was he afraid it would interfere with his social life.  Len knew that the alcohol was magnifying his insecurities, but he couldn’t help the way he felt at that moment.

Jim seemed oblivious to Len’s internal dilemma, “Not a secret really, just more like, on a strictly need to know basis.  No one in Starfleet has a need to know.  Look at it this way, we’re doing this to get you visitation, it’s not like we’re looking for any special accommodations from Starfleet.  We aren’t asking for spousal benefits.  We practically live together already, you’re listed as my next of kin and I plan on listing you officially as my beneficiary.”

When Jim put it like that, it sounded reasonable. 

“So, we go back and don’t tell anyone?  Someone is bound to find out sooner or later.”  Len tried to bait him to see if Jim planned to willingly admit to the marriage if pressed.

“Well, we’ll deal with it then.  We just need to get the custody agreement sorted, then after a year or so, we’ll get the marriage annulled.  We’ll have to stay married for a while, we don’t want Jocelyn contesting the agreement if she finds out this marriage is a sham.” 

It was, after all, the best outcome possible, Len would have his daughter, Jim would have his career, they would remain friends and no one would have to know that they were married.  So why was that such a depressing thought?  If Len were being honest he would have to say the empty feeling in his stomach was disappointment. 

When Len had roused himself enough to finish his drink, Jim took another quick tricorder reading. 

“Are you done swooning Bones,” he asked with a smirk.

“I don’t swoon,” Len growled.

“Good, ‘cause I scheduled an appointment with the Clerk of Courts for Monday morning.  We’ll get the paperwork out of the way, then the judge can marry us.  And…”  Jim indicated Bones’ PADD with its four lonely words, “apparently we’ve got a lot to do to get ready.”

Len felt a little panicked again.  It was disturbing how easily Jim could read him as he rushed to reassure him.  “Leave it to me, Bones. You trust me, right?”

“Yeah.  I trust you, Jim” Leonard answered warily.  “Just, please, nothing flashy.”

“Bones, your lack of faith in me is disheartening.  Don’t worry.  I promise to keep it classy.”

Yeah, right.  Len was afraid that Jim Kirk’s idea of classy and understated would be vastly different from his own.  Well, it really didn’t matter, it wasn’t a real marriage after all, right?  It wasn’t like any of their friends or family would be there.  Leonard was surprised when that thought caused a small ripple of dismay to roll through him.  To cover his discomfort he looked down at his PADD again.  He had brandy, so he checked alcohol off the list.  That only left one other item.

“Did you bring a suit, Jim?  You can’t show up lookin’ like you’re headed to a biker bar.”

"So, what you’re basically telling me is that we can’t get married in our usual ratty old jeans and leather jackets." 

“Nope.  And we can’t show up at the hearing in them either.”

“Don't worry I got that one covered.”  Len looked at him doubtfully.

“Again, Bones, no faith.”  Jim moved to open the closet and reached in past the suit Len had hung the first day he’d arrived and he watched as he pulled out two sets of dress whites.  One was obviously Jim’s, the other, easily identifiable by the ribbons and rank insignia, was his own.

“I can’t wear that.”  Leonard crossed his arms over his chest and frowned.

“Of course you can,” Jim beamed.  “The bride always wears white.”

“And why am I the bride in this scenario?” Len slipped comfortably into his grumpy persona and the familiar banter that signified his relationship with Jim.

“Because _I_ asked _you_ and because you’re so pretty.”

“Have you looked in the mirror, Jim?  You’re way prettier than I am.”

“Aw, you think I’m pretty, Bones?”

“A pretty big pain in my ass.” 

“Oh, yeah?  I could be.”  Jim leered at Len and he shook his head in frustration.  God the kid was an unrepentant flirt, but he knew what Jim was doing.  He was coaxing Leonard out of his funk.

“Besides the uniform looks great on you and it will make a real impression with the judge.  Two respectable members of Starfleet.”  Jim looked Bones over and waggled his eyebrows, “It also has the added side benefit of highlighting your excellent ass.  We are so going to make Jocelyn remember what she’s missing.”

Leonard chose to ignore that last comment, an obvious attempt by Jim to redirect the conversation.  “You do remember I resigned, right?  I’m no longer authorized to wear that uniform.”

“Yeah.  About that.”  Jim looked sheepish.

Leonard looked at him warily.  “What did you do, Jim?” Leonard growled.

“Well,” Jim ducked his head and mumbled, “I might have rescinded your resignation.”  When Len didn’t respond immediately Jim chanced a glance in his direction.  Leonard was working himself up for a blistering rant about Jim invading his privacy, how he had no right, what was he thinking, etcetera, etcetera, and Jim raised his voice to cut him off.  “Instead, Pike has approved an emergency leave of absence for both of us.” 

Leonard was still fuming, so he hurried to add, “Don’t get your panties all in a twist, Bones, you can always resign again if you decide you want out.”  Jim’s expression clouded at that thought, “But this time, it will be on your own terms.  Not Jocelyn’s.”

And how could he argue with that?

 

oOo

Jim had spent the rest of the afternoon holed up in the bedroom making and taking comm calls and doing research.  Leonard had tried to take his mind off of everything by watching some holos, but by dinner time he had had enough and talked Jim into going down to the hotel bar to get something to eat.  He didn’t have much of an appetite, but he knew Jim wouldn’t stop to eat unless he forced him to.  He was still his doctor and he was committed to looking after Jim’s health, if not his own. 

They had just gotten their drinks and were waiting for the food to arrive and it seemed as good a time as any to let Jim know that he had thought of something else to add to his list.

God, he really did not want to bring this up, but under the circumstances he decided to just get it out.  Just needed to pull the pin on the grenade and try to avoid the shrapnel from the ensuing blast.

“We need wedding rings, Jim.”

Jim nearly choked on his drink, “What the hell, Bones?  Couldn’t wait until I had swallowed to spring that one on me?”  Jim grabbed a couple of napkins and started wiping down the front of his shirt where his beer had ended up.  Bones waited, clearly uncomfortable with the conversation.  Once Jim was reasonably sure he had cleaned up the best he could, he looked back at his troubled best friend. 

Jim sighed, “Ok, Bones, I give.  Why do we need rings for a fake marriage we don’t intend on making public?”

“Because the men in my family wear wedding bands.  Trust me.  Someone will notice.”  Len pulled the napkin from under his glass and started tearing it into tiny pieces.  Jim watched the nervous action and waited for Bones to continue.  “It’s traditional.  It’s how Joce and me were raised.”  He looked up at Jim trying to gauge his reaction, but finding no clue in his calm gaze he continued.  “If we show up at that swanky lawyer’s office and present them with a brand new marriage license with the ink not even dry, I goddamn guarantee that they will be checking for the shiny gold bands on our fingers as a confirmation.  It’s just what’s done in Atlanta society.”

“Yeah, but I’m not exactly ‘Atlanta Society’, Bones, in case you hadn’t noticed.”

“I know that Jim, but…”  Leonard shifted uncomfortably on the stool before answering quietly, “but, I kinda am.”

Leonard remained silent for the moment it took for that to sink into Jim’s lightning quick brain.

+

“Wait.  Are you telling me, that you, Leonard H. McCoy, are related to the Atlanta McCoy’s?”  Jim may not have moved in society circles, but having a dead hero for a father had given him entrée into numerous Federation fundraisers, political functions and memorials as a kid.  He remembered the excruciating hours spent at his mother’s side, forced to sit still through endless speeches, rubber chicken dinners and the obligatory paparazzi photo ops.  He bitterly remembered how he, Winona and Sam were trotted out once or twice a year to evoke the sympathy vote for some Admiral or politician’s latest pet cause.  When Jim was about ten he started refusing to go and it wasn’t long after that that Winona packed up and headed for the black.  So, yeah, Jim had heard of the Atlanta McCoys.  He had just never imagined that his self-proclaimed ‘old country doctor’ was one of _those_ McCoys.  This changed everything.

Jim’s eyes snapped up to Bones, who seemed to be bracing for impact. 

“So.  You’re rich.”

Bones snorted and nearly choked on his own drink.  “No.  No, definitely not rich.  Parents were rich though.”  He ran a hand through his hair mussing it.  Jim’s eyes followed the movement and he swallowed thickly, trying to focus on his friend’s words, not his lips.  “I didn’t exactly inherit.  My mother saw to that.  And what I did manage to set aside, I don’t even have that.  Not after Joce got done with me.”

Jim realized then that Bones had always managed to skirt the issue of the cause of his divorce.  In all the time he had known him, he had never actually told Jim what had broken up his marriage. 

Well, Jim was done dancing around the issue and in frustration blurted out, “ _Hell_ , Leonard.  What the _fuck_ did you do to that bitch to cause her to come after you with such a vengeance?”

“Oh, because it had to be my fault, right?”  He shot back defensively.

Jim took a deep calming breath and chose his words more carefully, “How should I know?  You never want to talk about it.”

Jim tried to soothe Bones' ruffled feathers.  "I'm sure there's more to the story.  I just want to understand, so that I can be prepared for whatever happens in this hearing."

Again Bones was silent.

“We need to present a united front, Tuesday, and I really don’t want any surprises.”

Bones studied the floor, not raising his eyes.  Jim let the silence stretch out uncomfortably while his friend gathered his thoughts.  He continued quietly, “You know most of _my_ secrets Bones.  I’ve never asked before because I figured if you wanted to tell me you would have.”

Jim knew that the only reason Bones knew about Tarsus was because he was privy to Jim’s medical records and that had been a necessity after he had been injured in a survival course accident.  Jim hadn’t told him willingly and they still had yet to really discuss it.  So, now he was putting Bones in the same uncomfortable position of having to share with Jim something that he never wanted to discuss.  But now he had no choice.

“I guess it’s time to ante up, huh?”  Jim didn’t answer, but gave Bones his undivided attention.

+

Len took a long draw off of his beer before setting it carefully on the bar.  He ran his fingers through the condensation on the sides of the glass, sighed deeply and shrugged, “I know it’s a cliché, but we got married too young.  I met Jocelyn when I was home on summer break from my first year at med school.” He huffed a small laugh, “God she was somethin’.”  He smiled again at the memory, “And it was love at first sight.”

“Doesn’t exist, Bones.”

Len looked over at Jim whose mouth was drawn into a straight, tight line. 

“Yeah, it does.  But you’d have to experience it to understand.”

Jim kept his further opinion to himself, but his scorn was evident on his face.

Len continued like he hadn’t interrupted. “Her family and mine, they were pushing for us to get married.  Joce and I didn’t give a whit what our parents wanted, we were in love.  So, maybe I proposed a little sooner than I would have liked, but I knew, knew as soon as I met her, that she was the one.”

“Yeah? And how did that work out for you?”

Len’s irritation flared quickly, “You know you can be a real asshole when you wanna be.”

“It’s a skill.  One that comes in handy in negotiations.”  His words were defiant, but Jim had the grace to look repentant.  “Sorry, Bones.  But there’s just no such thing as love at first sight.  Hell, if love even exists at all.  What you felt was lust at first sight.”

“I’ve felt both, Jim.”  He gave Jim a significant look, “I know the difference.”   Len took another long draught before he continued, “But I will concede that maybe, with all that love right from the start, maybe there was nowhere else to go ‘cept down.  I kinda think maybe there is a lot to be said for fallin’ in love slow instead.”

“Whatever.”  Jim was obviously uncomfortable with the subject matter and waved Len along, “Keep going.”

Len silently contemplated Jim and his cynical attitude.  The kid had probably never had any real reason to believe in love.  Obviously no one had shown him much when he was a child.  The ones who had, or could have, had all left him, whether due to death, grief or violence, the reasons didn’t really matter.  All that mattered was that Jim was left.  Alone.  To cope and survive the best he could.  Len couldn’t imagine where he had gotten the strength to continue on no matter what horrors life had thrown in his path.  Len had seen his share of horror and he had ended up in the bottom of a whiskey bottle.  Jim was definitely the stronger of the two of them and he was grateful to have Jim’s strength to lean on.

Len just shook his head, “Everything was good for a while.  But when I graduated and took the residency at Atlanta General we started moving up in the world.  Joce was all about position and prestige.  I was putting in long hours, and she was busy socializing with the other doctor’s wives.  It all was very political. When I got the promotion to head of neurosurgery, Joce was thrilled.  She was so focused on keeping up with our ‘position in the community’ that I think she lost sight of why I was in medicine in the first place.  To help people.  She started to resent my patients.

“I was working long hours, and yeah, I know I'm kind of a workaholic."  Jim snorted at that, "But I always tried to take Joce's feelings into consideration.  But sometimes, I just couldn't be there when she wanted me to be.  I'm a doctor, dammit, I can't leave a patient just ‘cause my wife's nose is outta joint ‘cause I'm late for some damn dinner party.” 

Len looked around the bar and took note of the few patrons nearby, making sure that he and Jim we seated outside of another table’s hearing range.  Jim continued to watch him with those too damn blue eyes as he signaled the barkeep for another round and waited until they had been served.  Jim, all the while, remaining silent. 

Len closed his eyes and rolled the cold beer across his forehead.  The room seemed close and uncomfortably hot, but that could just be a stress reaction.  When he felt cooler and more collected he continued.

“Then my father got sick and I scaled back my duties at the hospital and focused on research.  But I failed.  I wasn’t able to find the cure and he couldn’t wait any longer.  He begged me for my help.  I refused at first, but he… he was so tired and in so much pain.”  Len’s throat had constricted and he fought the tears that began to well.  He cleared his throat, but his voice when he continued, was raspy with checked emotion. “So I helped him die.  I…,” Len pressed his lips together before trying again, “I killed my father, Jim, and that’s when everything went to shit.”

“You didn’t kill him, Bones,” Jim said quietly and confidently.  He wrapped one hand around Len’s wrist and gave it a squeeze.  “You allowed him to die with dignity, you showed him mercy.  No one could blame you for that.”

Len gave a disbelieving little laugh, “Well, the hospital did.  Yeah, euthanasia’s no longer illegal, but they claimed it went against every oath I’d taken as a doctor, and it was against hospital policy, so I found myself out of a job.”  He shook off Jim’s hand to raise his beer to his mouth again.  Before taking a drink he added, “My mother hasn’t spoken to me since.  Worst part, Jim?  Not three months after I killed my daddy, some other research team found the cure.  And we all know how well I cope with failure.”  Len lifted his beer and saluted Jim before taking a long drink.

“I was in a bad place.  I was drinking way too much, and I guess Joce wasn’t willing to stick around after my reputation went down the drain.  In retrospect, I guess I shoulda known there was someone else in the picture.  But, I didn't.  Not until I came home one night and walked in on Treadway fuckin' my wife in our bed.  Jojo was just across the hall, sleepin'.  What if she had walked in there and see her mother with someone who definitely wasn't her daddy?"  Len ran a hand through his hair, "Or wasn't until now."

"Stop.  Just stop.  That is never going to happen as long as we have any say in the matter."  Jim words were hard and defiant.

"That's just it Jim, I don't know that I have a say in the matter anymore."

+

Bones grew quiet and Jim knew he was thinking about the court proceedings to come.

Jim watched him with appraising eyes, he _still_ wasn’t sure he had gotten the whole story.  So, Jocelyn was the one having an affair.  Why the hell would Bones just roll over and quit fighting?  Just give her whatever she wanted?  Because of his father’s death?  Euthanasia was no longer illegal, but it was still controversial.  Bones may have lost his job at Atlanta General, but Jim was sure there were plenty of forward thinking institutions that would be happy to have a surgeon with Bones’ skills on staff.  It wasn’t the whole story, but it was one more piece to the puzzle.

Jim threw back the remainder of his beer and tossed a credit chip on the table to cover the cost of lunch.  He looked Bones over one last time, taking in the haunted expression.  It was time to get Bone’s mind off the past.  There was too much to do wallow any longer.

"Well, drink up Princess, I guess we’re going shopping."

 

oOo

Len wondered what he had done in another life that Fate felt it necessary to fuck with him yet again.  He was basically a decent person, always big on helping his fellow man, looking out for the underdog, so why in God’s name was he here, standing in the middle of the most exclusive jewelry store in Atlanta shopping for wedding rings with his idiot best friend?

Leonard looked around and couldn’t help remembering the last time he had been in this store.  He had been looking for Jocelyn’s engagement ring.  He hadn’t gotten it here, but he remembered how nervous he’d been.  He remembered how desperately in love he’d been and how he’d felt he like had his whole life before him.  Now he just felt hollow, uncertain, not sure where he would even be a week from now.  The memories only served to reinforce the fact that this marriage was a sham.  Or maybe his last one had been the sham.  He wasn’t so sure anymore.

He must have been standing there too long, lost in thought, too much of his emotions showing on his face because Jim came up to stand beside him.

“We don’t have to buy a ring, Bones.  You could wear my Dad’s ring,” Jim offered quietly indicating the Starfleet class ring Jim wore on chain around his neck.  Only Leonard knew that he kept it close to his heart like a good luck talisman.

Len’s gut clenched at the worried look on Jim’s face.  Jim continued to watch him through lowered lashes as he unconsciously fingered the ring on the chain.  Leonard cleared his throat, deeply touched by his friend’s gesture, “No.  No, Jimmy, I really couldn’t.  But… thank you for the offer.”

Jim looked a little relieved as he nodded and moved away towards the closest case.  To alleviate the awkward moment Leonard turned his attention to the store around them.

“What did you have with Jocelyn?”  Jim asked as he browsed the glass display case of gold wedding bands. 

“Well, Joce had a band of small diamonds, but my ring was just plain gold.”  Leonard followed Jim’s gaze to a case of intricately carved rings.  “Those detailed ones are too hard to keep clean while I’m workin’.  Don’t want to give some unlucky cadet an infection ‘cause of a dirty ring.”  He didn’t know why he allowed himself that train of thought, it wasn’t like he was going to be wearing the ring or anything, but Jim didn’t question him, he just redirected his gaze to the plain bands and bypassed the gold for the more exotic metals. 

“Look, why don’t you just pick the cheapest ones?  What does it really matter?”

“Oh, it matters Bones,” Jim replied distractedly under his breath, so quietly that Leonard probably wasn’t meant to hear it.

After a few minutes Jim seemed to have found a compromise and lightly tapped the glass to indicate the tray he wished to see and watched as the jeweler placed them on the counter.  Bones had drifted away browsing the other cases, but Jim’s selection drew him back. 

“Come here.  How ‘bout this one?”

Before he could see what Jim had chosen, Jim reached for his left hand and slipped the band onto his ring finger.  Leonard’s mouth went dry as he looked down at the smooth circle of platinum framed in gold. 

“What no engagement ring?”  He joked to cover his sudden discomfort at seeing his hand lying in Jim’s, the band shining bright in the overhead lights.

Jim smirked and gently ran his thumb along the ring on Bones’ finger and used his best sultry voice, “Come on, baby, don’t be like that.”

Len huffed out a sharp laugh, “Fine.  If that’s the one you want.” 

“Yeah,” Jim nodded.  “That’s the one I want.  Plain is boring.  No raised details on this one, but it’s not just plain either.”

“Nothing boring for you, huh, kid?”

“Never.”

Leonard hadn’t failed to notice that Jim hadn’t tried the ring on himself.  His liking the ring seemed to be determined exclusively by the sight of it on his friend’s finger. 

“Look at it this way, this will probably be the only ring you’ll ever have again, since you’re so dead set against marriage.  I just want you to have something you like, too.”

Leonard fiddled with the ring, watching it wink and shine.  Hell, it shone like a new promise.  And wasn’t that a kick in the ass?  Leonard couldn’t help himself when he answered, but tried to infuse his usual grumpiness in his reply, “Yeah.  Yeah, it’ll do.”

“Great.”  Jim clapped his hands together and watched happily as the jeweler sized Len for his ring.

While he waited for Jim to be sized, Leonard curiously turned over the small tag attached to the display tray and sucked in a startled breath.  “How the hell are we going to pay for this, Jim?  I’m only part time at the clinic and I know first year cadets don’t earn that much.”

“Don’t worry, Bones, I’ve got it.”  Len looked him over suspiciously as Jim pulled a credit chip from his inside jacket pocket.  In the year and a half that he had known him, Leonard had never seen Jim foolishly throw around credits. Unless you counted that one night at Flaherty’s that he bought a round for the house.  In fact, he usually wheedled, begged and bargained most nights until someone else ended up buying his drinks.  With Jim Kirk’s good looks and charming smile, he rarely paid his own tab.  Len had always made a point of buying more than half their rounds knowing that Jim was always low on cash.

“What?  You come into some big inheritance all of a sudden?”  Leonard could have bitten his own tongue when Jim tensed visibly and pinned him with a direct searching look, tension radiating off of him, before taking a deep breath and attempting to lighten the mood with a small self-conscious laugh.

“No.  Yes.  Well kinda,” he stumbled over his words as a faint embarrassed blush colored his cheeks.  “I’ve kinda been sitting on the ‘fleet settlement I got after my Dad died.  So, yeah, um … I’m good.”

Leonard could have kicked himself for his stupid comment as the kid moved to the counter to pay for their purchase.  As the jeweler rang him up, Len idly wondered just how much a hero’s life was worth.

 

oOo

“Why can’t we wear our whites for the ceremony, too?” Jim wondered aloud.

“I just don’t feel comfortable wearing the uniform until I know whether I’m staying in or not.  I’m resigned to the fact that I’ll have to wear it to court, but I’d really rather not wear it to get married in.”  _Not this time anyway._   “The suit we bought looks good on you, Jim and you needed to have one.  Every man needs a good suit.”

“That your mother talking?” Jim asked, as he hung the suit in the closet next to Len’s suit and their whites.

“Yeah, well, she was right about a lot of stuff.”  He got quiet.

“Yeah, but she was wrong about your father.  She’ll see that one day.”  Jim smiled encouragingly and patted Len on the back as he passed.

“I hope so, kid.”

 

The rest of the day, Saturday, had been spent shopping and gathering the necessary paperwork for the coming trial.  Sunday was another day of Jim being too busy to talk and Len being left to his own devices. 

He was back in Atlanta, the place he had lived most of his life, a place he knew inside and out, yet he felt out of his element, dispossessed.  He hadn’t realized just how much San Francisco had become home to him.  At least with Jim here as a reminder, he still felt connected to the academy. 

With no desire to run into anyone from his old life, Len had spent the day catching up on medical journals and proof reading his research papers.  Anything to keep his mind off the hearing.

Jim had disappeared for a couple of hours in the afternoon.  When he returned he had several packages and a large envelope with him.

“Well, I was going to save this for later, I’m still waiting for Josh to get back to me, but here.”  Jim pulled a wad of papers, folded long ways, out of his back pocket.  Leonard spread them out on the coffee table, trying to smooth out the creases, as he skimmed through the text. 

“What is this, Jim?”

“It’s the custody agreement my lawyer drew up.”  Len looked up startled.  Jim rushed to add, “It’s not quite finished, and I did plan on getting your input.”

“When did you have time to do this?”

“I called my lawyer last night after you went to bed.  I gave him the basics and he said he would look into Georgia’s adoption and custody laws.”

Len looked stunned.  “You have a lawyer?”

“Yeah, well, admittedly Josh is usually bailing me out of jail, but he’s a good lawyer.  We grew up together.”  Jim looked down at the table, his finger idly tracing the grain in the synth-wood, “He was a friend of Sam’s.”

Len didn’t comment, but went back to looking over the draft of the custody agreement that Jim and his lawyer had laid out.  It was pretty comprehensive, but Len was having a hard time getting past the first page.  He was staring at the words, right there in front of him in black and white, on actual paper, why paper he didn’t know, Jim was just weird that way, but there it was:  The plaintiff, Leonard H. McCoy, is suing the defendant, Jocelyn Marie Treadway (formerly McCoy) for full custody of the minor, Joanna Louise McCoy. 

Full custody?  Yeah, Jim had said they would have to request full custody first then negotiate down to visitation, but now that Leonard had the request in his hands he was hit with the all the possibilities this opened up before him.  And in the next breath, he was hit with all the ramifications.

What if he and Jim managed to win this case and Leonard was awarded full custody of his daughter?  What would that mean for him?  It meant that he would have to find a job and a place for them to live.  Jim would stay in Starfleet and after graduation he would be assigned to a starship.  Would Len choose to stay in San Francisco?  Or would he move back to Georgia?  Would he see Jim again after graduation?  It was a sobering thought.

 

oOo

It was late and Leonard was having a hard time keeping his eyes open.  Jim was still typing away on his PADD when Len got up and stretched.

“You heading to bed?”  Jim had put his PADD down and had risen to follow Len into the bedroom. 

“Where do you think you’re going kid?”  Len growled.

Jim blinked those baby blues innocently, “Thought we were going to bed, Bones.” 

“No.  No sharing my bed until we’re married, Jim.” 

“Saving yourself for the wedding night?  That’s probably a good idea.  Wait until you see what I have in store for you.”  Jim leered back.

Len blinked, his head turning to take in the packages still lying unopened on the floor near the door.  Jim had refused to answer him when he had asked what was in them when he had returned.  His mind started to spin out possibilities and he found himself become more and more uncomfortable at each new supposition.

Jim, fuck him, just walked away laughing.  “Man, you should see your face.  Don’t worry Bones your virtue is safe with me,” and closed himself in the bathroom still laughing.

 

 They settled down for the night, Len in the bed and Jim on Jim sofa, but not because Len had been afraid of Jim making any unwelcome overtures, but because he was just so exhausted that he needed to get some uninterrupted sleep.  Jim never slept well and years on emergency room duty had left Len a light sleeper.   Jim suggested that he take something to help him sleep, but he didn’t like taking medications if it wasn’t necessary. 

So, that’s how Len found himself lying awake at 2am, watching the chrono slowly tick over the minutes as they turned to hours, his thoughts constantly spiraling.  He had rehashed all of the what-ifs of the possible adoption outcomes and had finally forced himself to set that topic aside.  He had tried to relax with some breathing and meditation exercises and found that his thoughts had now settled on Jim.

Tomorrow, technically today, now that it was past midnight, he was going to marry Jim Kirk. 

He was going to willingly marry his best friend.

Len didn’t take his friendship with Jim lightly.  It was one of his most valued possessions and he just hoped that this wouldn’t affect their friendship.  Joanna is the only reason on earth that he would even consider putting such a demand on his relationship with Jim.  She was the only reason he would risk losing Jim.  Could he count it a win if he won Joanna, but lost Jim?  He wasn’t so sure. 

He decided that he would do everything in his power to ensure that he did whatever Jim needed of him.  He wouldn’t put any further strain on their friendship than absolutely necessary.  If that meant keeping his own counsel, then so be it.  Some things were better left unsaid and not acted upon.

Jim was confident that no one at the Academy would need to know about the marriage, no matter how the custody hearing came out.  He seemed to think that they could return to life just the way it had been, but Len wasn’t so sure he wanted to, because even if no one else knew, he knew.  No.  After tomorrow, nothing was ever going to be the same.

 


	4. Chapter Four

oOo

Leonard watched nervously as the city streets passed by outside the taxi window.  He was hyperaware of the man seated next to him in the back of the cab, Jim’s leg absently brushing against his when the car hit a pothole.  He took a deep breath and tried to order his chaotic thoughts.  He knew they were on the way to the courthouse where he was going to marry his best friend.  It all just seemed surreal, like maybe he had drunk himself into unconsciousness yesterday and this was nothing more than an alcohol induced hallucination.  He darted a quick, furtive look at the man beside him.  Jim had been unusually quiet and seemed to be busy contemplating the passing scenery as well, no doubt wrapped up in his own dread and rationalization.  What Leonard really had a hard time understanding was why.  What had he ever done to deserve a friend like him?

The cab pulled up to the curb in front of the historic Atlanta City Hall and Leonard stood looking up at the intricately carved, gothic white marble façade while Jim settled the cab fare.  He was startled from his thoughts when Jim grabbed his hand and pulled him forward up the steep steps. 

Leonard pulled back slightly until Jim looked back.  “What are you doing Jim?”  Leonard tilted his head toward their joined hands.

Jim squeezed his hand and gave him a small soft smile, “I’m marrying you, Bones.  I think it’s ok if we hold hands.”

Leonard’s face flushed an attractive pink shade and he settled his hand more solidly into his friend’s as he followed him through the large brass doors and across the wide marble foyer to the Clerk’s office.

+

Jim could tell Bones was nervous by the sweaty state of his hand when Jim had grabbed it, but he figured that since they were here to get married they might as well start acting like it.  They were going to have to put on a convincing show in case they ran into anyone who might show up later during the hearing.  They hadn’t really discussed it in depth, but Bones had agreed that they would have to act like they were married while they were here in Georgia.  They didn’t want to raise any suspicions, well, any more than would be raised by their sudden ceremony, and they didn’t want any accusations that they might only be doing this for legal reasons. 

Of course, there was nothing wrong with getting married just for legal reasons, lots of people did.  Not everyone married for love, the reasons people married under the law were as varied as the number of species now recognized by the Federation.  But Bones felt that if Jocelyn and her lawyers smelled a deception, they would go for the jugular in the custody hearing and Jim had to concede that Bones knew his ex-wife best, and having lived and worked in Atlanta, knew the law here best as well. 

What it all boiled down to was that they would need to make this as convincing as possible.  And that meant public displays of affection.  Jim didn’t think Bones had fully comprehended just how far Jim was willing to go to win a fight.  Jim chuckled to himself.  Well, he better buckle up, because he was about to find out.  If there was one thing that could be said about Jim Kirk, it was that he never did anything half-way. 

 

After showing ID and filling out the necessary forms, they were able to go immediately from the Clerk of Courts office, with the ink barely dry on the marriage license, and into Judge McDermott’s chambers.   There was one other couple ahead of them, so Jim pulled Bones down to sit on the wooden bench outside the Judge’s door.  They were able to just make out a small group of people through the frosted glass and the soft murmured voices from within.  It seemed that the Judge was in the middle of officiating another ceremony.

Jim panicked for a minute when he realized that he hadn’t thought about going over the vows he had chosen with Bones.  He turned to Bones, who was busy examining the floor between his knees as he rested his elbows on his thighs, head hung low.  Jim thought he had found the perfect words to convey his feelings for his friend and had thought he would surprise him, but now he was having second thoughts.  Maybe it was too personal. 

+

Leonard listened to the soft words coming from the room within.  His mind flying back to his ceremony with Jocelyn where he had pledged to love, honor and cherish (Joce wouldn’t have anything to do with the word “obey”) til death did them part.  He huffed out a humorless laugh.  Yeah, well, death or infidelity.   When Leonard made those vows in front of God, his family and friends, he had meant every word.

He idly wondered if Jim would also balk at the idea of obey.  He and Joce were a lot alike in that respect.  He knew he was setting himself up for more heartache, because it seemed the only thing that Jim Kirk did not exceed at was monogamy.  But Len knew better this time than to invest his heart naively and reminded himself that they were not really a couple. 

+

Leonard McCoy was nothing if not a man of his word.  It was one of the things that Jim loved most about his friend.  He was the constant in his life.  He was dependable.  Jim knew he would always be there.  But it also meant that Jim knew just how difficult this was for him.  This may just be an expedient to gaining custody of his little girl, but he knew that Bones would never make a pledge he didn’t intend on keeping.  He had told Jim once, after a few too many drinks, that he wouldn’t get married again until he knew that it would be for life.  It scared the crap out of Jim if he thought too much about it, that Bones was so willingly to take this step, because if he was honest with himself, he couldn’t disagree.  Yes, marriage had never meant much to Jim.  He really had no real life proof that it worked, but he chose the vows he did because he wouldn’t lie.  He wouldn’t make a promise he couldn’t keep.  Not to Bones.  Never to Bones.  So, although they hadn’t really talked about the consequences of this marriage, Jim didn’t intend to make any vow he wasn’t willing to keep and none that would force Leonard to betray his principles.

“Bones, what… do you want to say?  I had had a few ideas, but…”

“Hell, I don’t know Jim.  Joce wanted the whole traditional church ceremony and look how the hell that turned out.  Anything is fine.  Really,” Leonard said in a weary resigned voice.  “Whatever you want, it’s fine.”

Jim should have known that the words didn’t really matter to Bones.  He was only in this for one thing and one thing only.  Joanna.  Jim would be wise to not forget that and to stop any other foolish notions that continued to tease around in his mind.  In his defense, it wasn’t every day you contemplated getting married.  He supposed that it was only natural that it would become colored by some amount of emotion.  He really couldn’t help that he was finding this a little more difficult than he had imagined.  He had originally thought of this as merely a business transaction between friends.  But sitting here, in his suit, the small velvet box a constant reminder in his jacket pocket, he couldn’t be blamed if his mind went to more sentimental thoughts.  If it had been anyone other than Bones, it wouldn’t mean anything.  But Bones was the most important person in his life.  He was the one person Jim trusted.  The only person he would ever consider making such a grand gesture for.  After all, he knew Bones would never leave him.  They were going into the black together.  Jim would be Captain and Bones would be his CMO.  That was the plan.  Jim sighed deeply.  The only thing that could alter that plan was Joanna.

+

The chamber door opened a few minutes later and both men stood as a bright, smiling couple rushed through on the way to their new life.  Damn they were young. 

Leonard looked over at Jim who ran a finger under the collar of his shirt like he was trying to get it to release its choke hold.  Len absently smoothed his red silk tie.  It had been a while since he had worn a suit, but it was familiar and he was comfortable, Jim looked anything but comfortable, but he did look good.  The blue tie Len had chosen suited him well.  It brought out the color of his eyes and complimented the charcoal gray suit that contrasted well with Len’s traditional black suit. 

The judge motioned them forward and Len ran a hand over this chin as he stepped in to the room behind Jim.

Judge McDermott was a dignified gentleman with graying hair and a warm smile and he was dressed in traditional black robes.  After making introductions and handing over the forms prepared by the clerk, Jim nervously retrieved a paper from his inside pocket and handed it to the judge.  Leonard looked at him a little surprised.  He hadn’t realized that Jim had prepared anything ahead of time.

Jim and Leonard took their places in front of the Judge with two of the clerks in attendance as witnesses and Leonard felt a small twinge of regret that his mother couldn’t be here to see this. 

They joined hands as directed and looked into each other’s eyes as the Judge began to read from Jim’s paper.

+

“A wedding is such a wonderful occasion filled with hopes, dreams and excitement.  We are here today to celebrate the love that Leonard and Jim have for each other, and to recognize and witness their decision to journey forward in their lives as marriage partners.

“May your love create a safe haven for you both on the journey that lies ahead of you.”  Leonard looked up into Jim’s brilliant blue eyes with surprise and affection.  Jim squeezed his hands.  “Lead with your hearts and take the time to do the simple things that will nurture your love.

“Deeply listen to each other – to your dreams, and to your frustrations.  Be helpmates.  Be playful in finding new ways to give your love anew to each other every day.

“Let your love be an inspiration to others to reach for what is good within us all.  May your love be so abundant that you have plenty to share with the rest of us as well.

“Do you, Jim, take Leonard to be your partner for life?  Do you promise to walk by his side forever, and to love, help, and encourage him in all he does?  Do you promise to take time to talk with him, to listen to him, and to care for him?  Will you share his laughter, and his tears, as his partner, lover, and best friend?  Do you take him as your lawfully wedded husband for now and forevermore?”

Jim looked up into Bone’s warm hazel eyes trying to put everything he felt for this man in to two words.  “I do.”

“Do you, Leonard, take Jim to be your partner for life?  Do you promise to walk by his side forever, and to love, help, and encourage him in all he does?  Do you promise to take time to talk with him, to listen to him, and to care for him?  Will you share his laughter, and his tears, as his partner, lover, and best friend?  Do you take him as your lawfully wedded husband for now and forevermore?”

Leonard looked at Jim unable to hide his fondness or the fact that his eyes were wet, “Always.”

At the Judge’s gesture Jim retrieved the small velvet box from his pocket and removed the rings, handing his to Leonard.  At his nod the Judge continued:

“And now, seal your promises with these rings, the symbol of your life shared together.  Leonard, please repeat after me.”

Leonard took Jim’s left hand in his and held the ring near his finger.

“Jim, this ring I give as token and pledge, as a sign of my love and devotion.  With this ring, I thee wed.”

“Jim, this ring,” Leonard slid the ring onto his finger as he continued, “I give as token an’ pledge, as a sign of my love an’ devotion.”  He snugged the ring up to Jim’s knuckle, holding it in place as he looked up into Jim’s eyes, “With this ring, I thee wed.”

Jim smiled and took his hand from Leonard’s, repositioning Leonard’s left hand in his and readied the gleaming circle of platinum and gold.

“Jim, please repeat after me.”

“Leonard, this ring I give as token and pledge, as a sign of my love and devotion.  With this ring, I thee wed.”

Jim started sliding the ring slowly up Leonard’s finger as he softly repeated the words:

“Leonard, this ring I give as token and pledge,” Jim smiled up into his best friend’s warm trusting eyes, “as a sign of my love and devotion.”  With the ring fully seated, Jim took Leonard’s hand in both of his as he continued, “With this ring, I thee wed.”

Leonard stared down at his hand in Jim’s.  The two rings gleaming in the sunshine streaming through the chamber windows and couldn’t help the smile that lifted his lips.  He looked up to see Jim return his smile.

“Jim and Leonard, by the power invested in me, I now pronounce you married.  You may kiss!”

Without over thinking it, Jim pulled Bones to him, wrapping one arm around his back, their hands still clasped between them and placed a soft kiss on his lips.

+

While they waited for the judge to finish filling out the forms, Jim shifted nervously.  They now stood beside each other, close enough that Jim thought he could feel the warmth of Bone’s arm beside his own, nearly shoulder to shoulder, but not quite touching.  He gave Bones a side glance.  He had a pensive look. 

"What did you think Bones?  Was it too much?  You know… we had talked about you following me….," Jim looked away, unable to meet Leonard's gaze, afraid of what he might see there.

Bones sighed, "It was perfect Jim.  I can’t believe you found something so perfect.”  He hesitated for a moment then turned to face him his hazel eyes searching Jim’s, “Not one single word was a lie, Jimmy, ‘cause I do plan on bein’ by your side wherever this journey takes us.  No matter what happens tomorrow, I will always be there for you."

It was Jim’s turn to blush.  He turned away pretending to check the Judge’s progress.  Once he was sure he was occupied and not listening he continued sotto voce. 

“Yeah, well, I kinda I thought maybe I should’ve changed the part about being ‘partners, lovers and best friends’, to just ‘partners and best friends’.”  Jim leaned a little closer, “I was afraid you might be upset at the word ‘lover’.  But, you know, I do love you, man.”  Jim bumped Bones’ shoulder.

Leonard seemed to take that in the spirit in which it was intended and a small smile curved the corner of his lips and, damn, that was a beautiful sight.  Jim’s worry was quelled by that smile.  “No, I don’t think I have any right to be upset by that definition since it’s not a lie either, not exactly accurate, but not untrue.  I love you to, Jim.”

+

The judge motioned to them and they moved to the bench to sign the official record.

Jim looked over the forms before scrawling his ‘James Kirk’ at the bottom of the page.  He turned to hand the pen to Len.

“I don’t know, Leonard Kirk, has a certain ring to it.  What about it Bones, you want to marry into the legend?” he chuckled. 

Leonard cocked one eyebrow and took the pen from the blond, "I think I just did."

Len hadn’t considered the enormity of Jim’s last name and what that meant in the world.  Frankly, he didn’t feel worthy. 

“Or, how about James McCoy?  Why do you assume I’d take your name?  You just assumin’ I’d bottom to you?” 

Jim looked him over with a critical eye and Bones could see the wheels turning, couldn’t help doing the same and considering the visual it presented.  They both blushed and looked away. 

“So, uh, Kirk-McCoy, McCoy-Kirk?  Or we could just each keep our own names,” Jim said quietly.   

Len knew that was probably the best course of action, but he was also aware that Jim seemed to need some type of validation.   He would be proud to bear the Kirk name, and not because of the myth, but because of Jim. 

“Yeah, sure, Leonard Kirk-McCoy, it is,” and he signed his name before he could over think it. 

“See.  You’re the bride.”  Jim looked smug.

Len scowled darkly, “You call me the missus and I will kill you.” 

Jim threw his head back and laughed.

“I’m a doctor.  I could make it look like an accident,” he muttered under his breath.

 

Once the form was signed by the judge and notarized by the clerk, it was official.  Officially forgotten.  Or ignored really, not forgotten.  Neither man felt like dealing with the true ramifications of what they had done beyond the expediency of the coming court proceedings to establish custody of Joanna McCoy.

So, now James Kirk was legally recognized in a court of law as the spouse of Dr. Leonard Kirk-McCoy.  Holy crap.

 

oOo

Upon leaving City Hall, Jim and Leonard decided that since they were already dressed, they should go out to dinner to celebrate.  It wasn’t every day that you got married, whatever the reason, and it deserved some type of recognition.  Len had expressed his concerns that they might run into someone he knew and Jim reminded him once again that that was the whole point.  They needed to get used to being in public and behaving like a couple.  It was a calculated risk that they would run into someone who knew both Len and Jocelyn, but Jim was willing to take that risk.

That was how they ended up at The Silver Twig, one of Atlanta’s finest restaurants where, surprise, surprise, Jim had made a reservation.   They had arrived a few minutes early, so they were currently seated at the bar waiting for their table to become available and after a very fine bourbon, Leonard was feeling magnanimous. 

God, Jim was handsome in his suit, the dark charcoal gray seemed to bring out the azure of his eyes even more, it that were possible.  They fairly glowed and he was turning heads whenever they entered a room.  Bones felt an unaccountable sense of pride to have this gorgeous man on his arm.  Not that he could take credit for him.  Jim was his own man.  Len just felt pleased and slightly overwhelmed to be the one with Jim.

A waiter indicated that their table was ready so they made their way back to the front foyer.  Jim put his arm around his waist and Len cocked a curious eyebrow.

“You never know who’s watching.  We’re married Bones, we better start acting like newlyweds.”

Damn, not just married, but newlyweds.  Why the fuck hadn’t he thought of that.  Len remembered his first few months with Jocelyn and a blush covered his neck and cheeks.  He didn’t know if he could do that with Jim.  It was too intimate.

+

“Look, I know it’s awkward.  Just…just do what you did with Jocelyn.”  That earned him a deeper blush.

“Leo!” Bones turned in surprise towards the male voice calling to him from behind, Jim coming to stand behind his right shoulder.

“Leo, I didn’t know you were back in town!”  The man grabbed Bones by the elbow and shook the hand he offered vigorously.  Jim looked to him for an explanation. 

Bones looked startled, but answered smoothly enough, “Ted, how the hell are ya?” his accent thick and present.  That accent sent a thrill of something akin to a warning through Jim.  It told him that this was someone Bones knew well, had probably known all his life going by his open, loose body language.  All of a sudden he wasn’t Bones, he was Leo McCoy.

It was like he had slid back into ‘Leo McCoy’ quite effortlessly, and Jim got just a glimpse of the confident, southern doctor Bones used to be, before it all went to shit.

Bones and Ted exchanged pleasantries while the elegantly dressed woman at his side surreptitiously glanced in Jim’s direction more than once. 

“I’m sorry.  Where are my manners?  Let me introduce you.”  Bones wrapped his arm around Jim’s waist, drawing him forward and into the conversation.  “Ted and Sarah, this is Jim, Jim Kirk...,” there was a slight hesitation that Jim hoped the McKinley’s hadn’t noticed, before Bones continued, “my husband.”

And there it was.  Out in the fucking open.  For the whole damn world to see.

Ted and Sarah shared a surprised look before turning to Jim and Len and wishing them congratulations.

Jim didn’t miss the covert glances towards first Bones’ hand then his.  He suddenly became more aware of the ring on his finger, which felt heavier under their scrutiny than it had since Bones had set it there.

The maitre d’ came to seat the McKinleys while Jim and Bones waited for their table to be readied.  Once they were alone in the vestibule Jim turned to Bones and crowded into his personal space.  He placed his left hand around Bones’ right wrist, not sure Bones wouldn’t try to push him away, his fingers pressed to his pulse point as he wrapped his right hand around the back of his neck. 

Jim could read the question in the hazel eyes, but it was quickly replaced by something else.  Something he couldn’t define.  Jim looked down at his lips and licked his own, Bones following the movement of his tongue, now focused on Jim’s mouth.  Jim leaned in slowly.  He could feel the spike of Bones pulse beneath his fingers.  And gently pressed his lips to his husband’s.  He pulled back and he placed his lips to Bones’ ear. 

“Jim… what?”  Bones was breathless, his heart racing.

“Are they watching us?”

“Huh?”  Bones struggled to pull his focus off of Jim and look over his shoulder, his eyes searched the dining room and settled on Ted staring in their direction, Sarah glancing away quickly, her comm to her ear.

Jim pulled Bone’s attention back to himself with a small kiss to the corner of his mouth.  He ducked his head until Bones’ eyes met his.  “She got on the phone as soon as they were seated.  Do you know who she’s talking to?”  Jim questioned him while staring deeply into his confused eyes, not daring to glance in the direction of the dining room.  He saw the moment Bones made the connection.  “Are they friends of yours, or Jocelyn’s.”

Bones just stared back at him looking from blue eye to blue eye.  “They’re friends of my Mother’s,” he whispered.

Jim made a small nod and smiled, taking a half step back as the maitre d’ approached to show them to their table. 

 

Bones still looked a little dazed as Jim placed his hand on the small of his back and led him into the dining room where they were seated at a table near the front windows and half a room away from the McKinleys.  Well, at least their conversation would be private, but they were definitely on display to them and anyone else who passed by on the street.  Better make it look good.  He hazarded a quick glance towards their table which was slightly behind his right shoulder and, unfortunately, directly in Bones’ line of sight.

Damn.

“She has to be on the comm with my mother right fucking now,” Bones hissed angrily. 

Jim was forced to regain his attention.  “Hey.  Bones.  Look at me.”

Bones looked at him helplessly.  “It’s going to be all right.  It was bound to happen,” Jim assured him.  “We knew that eventually she would find out.  It’s just sooner rather than later.”

One big unknown in this whole situation was what part Eleanora McCoy might play.  What would her reaction be to hearing that her son was back in town with a new husband in tow?  They may have just tipped their hand to Jocelyn if Eleanora informed her.   This could change everything.  Luckily, there probably wasn’t much she could do before morning.  

Bones was looking distinctly unhappy and Jim refused to allow that, so he redoubled his efforts to take Len’s mind off of his mother and the McKinleys.  He drew Bones into a conversation and they talked about classes, exams and his research.  Their light banter set Bones at ease and they quickly returned to that easy camaraderie that was the basis of their friendship. 

Jim got the waiter’s attention and ordered two glasses of champagne. 

“I thought we agreed that drinking in public wasn’t a good idea.”

“We’re not drinking,” Bones, “were toasting.”

And they toasted, not to the marriage, but the future and all its possibilities.  Both thinking about the hearing the next day, they decided they needed to keep their wits about them at all times.  They were entering dangerous waters and it wouldn’t pay to be careless.  They had to act as if they were constantly under scrutiny.  It wouldn’t be wise to drink too much in public since one of Jocelyn’s main claims against Bones was that he was an alcoholic, so they enjoyed a decadent meal and ordered dessert instead. 

+

Leonard had managed to forget about the marriage and the McKinleys until Jim reached out and wiped chocolate off the corner of his mouth.  Not that Jim wiping something off of his face was unusual, but when he then licked the chocolate from his fingers, Len was reminded once again that they were being observed.  It was a jarring transition back to the reality of their situation.

Jim was being extremely attentive.  Len had seen him seducing and flirting with all manner of beings, male and female, but he was never this chivalrous, this attentive, especially with no chance of sexual gratification.  This was out of character for James Kirk and Len had found himself being swept up in the charade.  There was something very powerful about having the full force of Jim’s attention focused purely on him.  He had grown accustomed to having to share that attention with anyone else in Jim’s orbit, but Bones had eventually been able to accept that because Jim never failed to gravitate back to him at the end of the day.

Jim was charming, charismatic, attentive, funny, and above all, smart.  And God knew that intelligence was Len’s aphrodisiac.  He listened enthralled while Jim spoke about his plans for the future.  He hung on every word until he realized that those plans may no longer include him.  For the best of reasons, to be sure, but still, the feeling of desolation swept him by surprise.  When Jim graduated and headed out into the black, into the unknown, he might be leaving Len behind. 

They had planned to request assignment to the same duty station.  With their accelerated educational plans Len would graduate in a year as a Lieutenant Commander, Jim as a Lieutenant.  Jim would probably be assigned to serve as a helmsman aboard a starship, it would take him at least a couple of years to work his way up to command as a First Officer, but Len had no doubt that he would be on the fast track for that as well.  As for himself, he would serve in medical under the ship’s CMO.  He would need several years of experience on a starship before he could hope to be promoted to Chief Medical Officer.  Pike had made some noises about wanting them both on Enterprise when she shipped out for her maiden voyage and Len knew that Jim had his heart set on that assignment, but Len was a pragmatist, there were few medical spots available on the flagship and many, more qualified applicants than he were interested.  There was no guarantee that he and Jim would get to serve together.  And now, there was the possibility that Len might not get to serve at all.  The best he could hope for, if he got visitation or custody of Joanna, would be to be able to stay in Starfleet and work at one of Starfleet Medical’s planet side branches.  Of course San Francisco would be his first choice.  That way he could see Jim when Enterprise was docked.

Jim couldn’t help but notice that somewhere along the line, Bones had slipped back into brooding.  “You need to loosen up, Bones.  Just act the way you did with Jocelyn.”

“You want me to behave with you the way I did with Joce?” He asked, purely for clarification purposes.

“Yeah, well, minus the wedding night festivities.”

Len got a wicked twinkle in his eye as he thought back to his and Joce’s wedding day.  The kid really had no idea what he was asking for.  Besides, things were beginning to look a little one-sided here and if Jim thought he was getting off easy, he had another thing coming.  Oh yeah, Jim was good at dishing it out.  He was enjoying keeping Len off kilter, but could he take it?  Time to find out.

Len leaned forward under the pretense of reaching across the table for another forkful of chocolate soufflé, while he took the opportunity to slide his other hand up the inside of Jim’s thigh.  Jim startled at the touch, his eyes growing wide.  “What are you doing, Bones” he squeaked out.

Len chuckled darkly, “Well, darlin’,” Jim choked at the endearment uttered in a slow whiskey soaked drawl, “I’m just given you a taste of yer own medicine.  You wanted me to act like I did with Joce, after all.”

Jim’s eyes narrowed suspiciously, “Wait. You mean…”  Jim looked around cautiously before he lowered his voice, “You mean you felt her up in public?”

“Aw, sugar, we did way more than that in public.”

Len watched those thoughts cross Jim’s mind, his eyes shifting past each in contemplation before focusing again on the grinning doctor.  “Bullshit.”  But it didn’t come out very confident sounding.

“If that’s what you want to tell yourself, but marriage has its privileges, Jim, and I took advantage of every one. 

“There’s a definite advantage to being with someone for more than one night, kid.  It gives you a chance to get to know what makes someone tick, what turns them on.”  Jim watched him speculatively, “And they get to know what turns you on.” 

At that Len slid his hand a little higher on Jim’s thigh, stopping just short of his cock.  He took note of Jim’s increased respirations, the beading of sweat on his upper lip, the way he licked his lips.  He could feel Jim’s heartbeat hammering in the femoral pulse beneath his fingers.  Jim wasn’t the only one who could take a pulse, he was a doctor after all, a fact that seemed to cross Jim’s mind as well as he visually assessed his ‘patient’.   “And unless I’ve misread the symptoms,” and they both knew he hadn’t, “you are very turned on.” 

+

His mind cast back frantically as Jim suddenly realized he had never seen Bones in seduction mode.

Damn.  Bones had game.

And he knew that if that hand slid just a little higher, Bones would have his confirmation.  It was time to take back control of this situation.

Jim leaned across the table and nipped a kiss at Bones lower lip, taking advantage of how close they now were, he took his lip between his teeth and gently held on as Bones pulled back and sat up, his own eyes wide. 

“Jim,” he said in a warning tone. 

“What?” he blinked innocently. 

Jim knew the gauntlet had been thrown down and he was up to the challenge, so to speak.  Let’s see if Bones could rise to the occasion, or if he would concede defeat.  This just had become a game of one upmanship.

Jim didn’t make his next move until they were readying to leave the restaurant.  He placed his hand in the small of Len’s back as they moved between the tables and he made sure they were in clear sight of the McKinley’s table before that hand slid south gently cupping his ass.

“Jim”, Bones hissed, “a little decorum in public, please.”

“Says the man who had his hand in my crotch during dessert.  You can’t have it both ways, Bones.”

Len just shook his head.  It was going to be an interesting week.

 

oOo

 

While they had discussed public displays of affection they had strictly avoided the subject of private displays of affection.  By unspoken mutual agreement, the physical contact stopped once they were alone.  Once back in their hotel room, they moved apart, putting distance between themselves as a buffer against all that had happened that day. 

They were still sharing a single room, because Jim was paranoid that Jocelyn might show up at the hotel at some point during their stay and they wanted it to look like they were indeed sharing the same bed.  That meant that every morning, Jim was picking up his things from the living room and moving them out of sight. 

It had been a long, strange day and now Len was dreading whatever Jim had in store for him for their “wedding night”.  Aside from their joking about it at bedtime yesterday, he had pointedly avoided any reference to it since.  Len was waiting for the next shoe to drop and he looked suspiciously at the packages still piled by the front door.

“Uh, Jim, what’s in the packages?” 

“Huh?  Oh, just something I got for Joanna.”  Jim sounded embarrassed. 

“You bought something for Jo?”  A surge of affection washed over him at the evidence that Jim was nervous about meeting his daughter.

“Yeah, you know crayons, a coloring book, a little stuffed bunny.  I just thought, you know, if we get a chance to see her…,” he stumbled to a halt.

“Don’t worry Jim, I’m sure she is going to like you fine.”  He said that, but as he assured Jim, he wondered how Jo would react to seeing him again after nearly two years.  Would she be happy to see her daddy, or would she hate him for leaving?

+

They each went about the business of getting ready for bed.  There was little conversation as both were lost in thought.

Jim was finding that he was having a surprisingly hard time getting past the fact that this was his wedding night.  He’d never been married before and this was his _wedding night_.  Not exactly what he had pictured when he bothered to think on it at all.  He looked up and watched as Bones hung his suit in the closet, already having changed into his sleep pants and an academy t-shirt.  At least he had a smokin’ hot spouse.  When he had thought about it, that was always a given.  But, somehow, he really doubted there would be any mind blowing sex tonight.  Not much about today resembled what he had thought getting married would look like. 

It wasn’t that he never wanted to get married, but at this point in his life he hadn’t plan on getting tied down.  There was too much pleasure still to be tasted in life and Jim was all about enjoying the experiences that life laid before him.  He was an opportunist.  He wanted to take advantage of any opportunity as it came without having to worry about hurting someone else.  But then, Jim hadn’t planned on joining Starfleet.  He and authority didn’t get on well, unless he was the one in the position of authority.  He had issues.  He knew that.  He had just never met anyone who could put up with all his issues.  And then he’d met Bones.  Bones was a self-realized adult, he didn’t need constant validation, didn’t vie for his undivided attention.  Yet, he was always there, quietly, unobtrusively.  And he understood him like no one else had ever tried to.

Jim was lost in these thoughts as he retrieved his blanket and pillow from the closet and moved to make up the sofa for the night.

+

Len watched Jim move about the room mechanically.  He could tell the kid was tired.  He heard the small sound of discomfort as he stooped to spread the blanket and decided that it was stupid for him to be aggravating his back by sleeping on a sofa with poor support when there was a perfectly good bed in the room.  They had shared a bed before when they were too drunk to go back to their own dorm, or they’d fallen asleep studying.  It really was no big deal, so Len decided to downplay the fact that this was their wedding night.

“Jim,” he said, making his voice gruff and injecting his typical tone of impatience, “Why don’t you just come share the bed.  It’s plenty big enough for two.” 

Jim smirked at him, “Well, you did say I could sleep with you once we were married.”  Leave it to Jim to bring it up, but he refused to comment on the innuendo.

“Yeah.  I remember.  Just stay on your own side.”

Len settled himself on the side closest to the window and watched as Jim finished putting his things away before he approached  the bed and stood contemplating ‘his side’.   Len wasn’t sure which side of the bed Jim preferred as the dorms only had singles, therefore, no ‘sides’.  He was getting the distinct impression Jim was working up to negotiate switching places and he moved to set him straight.

“Don’t even think about it. This is my side.  I always slept on the left, Joce on the right.  I have no damn intention of changing now.”

Jim looked at him, “Fine.  You win, old married divorced guy set in his ways.  Just don’t blame me if I end up on your side during the night.  I don’t usually sleep with anyone and I’m kinda used to spreading out.”  Jim had a slight embarrassed flush on his face.

Damn.  This could go wrong so many ways.

“Yeah?  Well then you’ll find your ass on the floor.  So, stay on your side.”  With that pronouncement Len turned onto his side, his back to Jim.

+

Jim settled in and they lay in the dark, Bones with his back to Jim and who lay on his back staring at the ceiling.  Jim could feel the tension in the rigid set of Bones’ back.  After a few minutes of silence, Jim asked, “You ok, Bones?”

“’m fine.”  He didn’t sound fine.  Something was off. 

Jim rolled to his side facing Bones’ back.  He repressed the urge to reach out and touch, asking instead, “What’s bothering you, Bones?” Again there was a long silence before he answered.

“It’s a lie, Jim.”  Bones swallowed thickly. 

“What is?” 

“All of it.”

 Jim knew he was agonizing over his decisions and Jim just wanted to console him.  He figured the best way to allay his misgivings was with the truth.

“Is it?”

“Not the words maybe, but the whole ceremony.  The words, _the vows_ , were perfect, but we didn’t do it for the right reasons.”

“Say what you want, Bones.  But I meant what I said.” He reached out, but stopped himself again, his hand hovering for moment over Bones’ shoulder before he pulled it back.  He took a deep breath, “I made a commitment to you and I don’t do commitment.  Only for you, Bones.”

Jim waited, but the only sound from Bones was a hitched breath and the sound of him pushing a breath out slowly through his mouth, like he was trying to control or suppress some emotion.  

“You know, one thing I learned in my xenosexuality class…,” but Leonard cut him off, speaking over him.

“You only took xenosex to see how you could fuck other species, Jim.”  Len bit out.

 And yeah, Jim had taken the class thinking he would be learning all the cool ways humans could connect sexually with other species, but he had been surprised to find it an extremely informative course about different cultures and their beliefs about love, marriage and family.  It was recommended for command track cadets since they would be on the front line in first contact situations. 

“What I _learned_ , is that there’s no one definition of love or family.”  He waited a moment for that to sink in before continuing.  “There are innumerable ways to bond or commit to one or more partners.  Nothing is off-limits.  We take too narrow of a definition of love on Earth.”

+

Len shifted uncomfortably.  He wanted so badly to turn over and face Jim, but he couldn’t.

He knew why Jim would be so attached to that definition, he was desperate to find connection when he had no family.  Of course he would be open to new definitions of family and Leonard couldn’t argue that with him, but the kid new fuck-all about love.  He had no fucking clue. 

Len would have called bullshit if he didn’t want so desperately to believe what Jim was telling him.

He took another deep slow breath and prayed that Jim hadn’t noticed the involuntary shudder.  He knew that Jim was waiting for him to speak.  So, he asked, “How’s this gonna to work, Jim?”

Len had been psyching himself up to have to confront Jocelyn tomorrow and that he hoped against hope that he might get to see Joanna again.

“You let me worry about that.”  And Len was grateful, but he felt guilty leaving his daughter’s fate to his friend.  He was her father, he should be the one planning this fight, but one thing he had learned as a surgeon was to defer to the specialist if something was outside of your area of expertise.  Jim was the tactician and he seemed to have a plan. 

“We go to the hearing tomorrow, we fight for Joanna.  We go in asking for custody and we don’t give up until we have an acceptable visitation schedule which includes weekly comms.  You’ll be able to talk to your daughter at least once a week and there’ll be nothing Jocelyn can do about it.  If she refuses to adhere to the judgment, then she risks losing custody altogether.  And we will make certain that she knows we’ll contest custody if she doesn’t honor you parental rights to the letter. 

“If it looks like the judge is favorable to full custody, then we’ll press for that, agreeing to Jocelyn having visitation rights, of course.  We want the court to know that you’re willing to compromise and do what’s in the best interests of your daughter, even if that means resigning from Starfleet to raise her.” 

Jim paused to take a calming breath and Len turned over to face him.  Jim gave him a deep soul searching look with those fucking blue eyes before he continued quietly.  “Hopefully it won’t come to that.  But we have to be willing to lay it all on the line.” 

And they really would be laying it all on the line.  This could be the start of a new life for Len, but the end of his life with Jim. 

“We’ll have to stay legally married for a while.  I figure at least a year.”  Jim rolled onto his back and looked away from Len, focusing on the ceiling again, his hands gripping in the blanket that covered him.  “After graduation we can get the marriage annulled before we move on to our next assignments.  It will be easy to have it annulled.”

Jim huffed in disbelief, “Did you know that in this day and age they still consider a marriage voidable if it’s never been consummated sexually?” Jim chewed on his lip and Len could see he was uncomfortable.  “You’d think they would’ve come up with some other measure by now, but they consider whether the partners are sufficiently committed to the marriage by the intimacy of the union.  So, unless we consummate this marriage, we have two years in the state of California to apply for an annulment.”

Len watched Jim chewing his lip.  He looked angry and resentful, but Len couldn’t quite figure out why.  Was it because of the backward, politically incorrect laws, or was there more to it?  Maybe he was worried they wouldn’t be able to apply for the annulment because of their past, so Len tried to reassure him.

“Well, it sounds archaic if you ask me, but I don’t think that’s gonna be a problem.  We already decided that wasn’t going to happen again, right?”

+

Jim lay still for a moment thinking about the question and thinking back to the one night of his friendship with Bones that he wasn’t allowed to talk about.  And that’s saying a lot considering Bones would probably kill him if he brought up the time they were arrested or the time they found themselves up for Captain’s Mast.  But that would be a walk in the park among the daisies compared to bringing up what had come to be known in his mind as the ‘Subject That Will Not Be Discussed’.  Caps and all. 

Granted he had only tried to bring it up a couple of times.  The first time, just to make sure they were still good.  Bones had answered him tersely and then made him swear, literally swear to God, he would never mention it again.  And Jim had sworn, but he wasn’t religious.  So, yeah. 

The second time he brought it up, completely an accident by the way, he had been stunned by the level of fury in Bones’ eyes.  Jim didn’t really see where the incident warranted that type of reaction, but then it may have been because he had slipped up and almost spilled the beans in front of Uhura.  Yeah, that was probably it. 

So, since then he had chosen to tread lightly around the topic.  But that didn’t keep him from thinking about it.  A lot.

Bones had promised him they were good, but it had taken several weeks to move past the awkwardness between them.  Jim still wasn’t sure why Bones was so vehement in his denial, whether it was because he had been the one to initiate contact, or because he had let it continue.  Either way, Jim had decided that Bones wasn’t so much uncomfortable with Jim, but with himself. 

Yeah.  In hind sight it had been a mistake.  To Jim it was a mistake because he had jeopardized their friendship, because Bones was so upset, not because of what they had shared.  It hurt a little that Bones couldn’t seem to deal, but Jim had no intention of forcing him to accept anything beyond what he was willing to give.  There had been consent, that may have been fuzzy, and Jim knew that went against everything Bones believed in.  Jim had assured him that given another chance, sober this time, he would still consent, but that was where Bones had drawn the proverbial line in the sand.  There would be no second chance.  There would be no further discussion.

Afterwards, Len had gone to ground and it had taken several weeks for Jim to manage to corner him.  Weeks where Bones hadn’t responded to his comms and had made himself scarce and Jim knew he had fucked up royally.  This wasn’t some one night stand, never was meant to be, they were just getting to know each other as friends and it almost brought that to a screaming halt.  When he couldn’t get a hold of Bones, when he found the letter of resignation, that had been the first thing his mind had flown to, how had he fucked up this time?  Because Jim knew he was a fuck up.  He was still amazed that after everything Bones had stuck with him.  He was just grateful that they were eventually able to move past what had happened.

+

Jim was a smart man.  Like scary genius smart.  So, Leonard knew he knew better than to bring up the subject that was not to be discussed, fuck it, Jim had him referring to it in that asinine way now. 

It wasn’t a mystery, it was a mistake.  And if Jim brought it up, idiot genius that he was, then he was being a manipulative little shit. 

Maybe he _had_ over reacted, but dammit, it should never have happened and he had no one else to blame but himself.  He knew he was compromised and that Jim was beyond the point of being able to give informed consent.  But he had quashed those doubts and given in to his base desires.  Desires he had never consciously confronted and didn’t in-fucking-tend to now. 

Too much in his life was in flux, too much had changed.  He was having a hard enough time keeping his head above water as it was, what with his accelerated degree path, his research, and his surgical rotations.  He didn’t have time for relationships and the only reason Jim was still around was because he was a clingy little bastard Len couldn’t manage to scrape off.  But by now he was so used to him that he had stopped trying and just reveled in the feeling of having a friend again.  Something he hadn’t had since before his marriage.  And then he had gone and almost thrown it all away.  He was angry with himself at his loss of self-control, he was angry at Jim for being so fucking attractive and he was angry at a Universe that had put that temptation in his path. 

His conflict hadn’t been that Jim was a man although he was aware that’s what Jim thought.  Len had been with men before, but if he led Jim to believe otherwise, well ….  He probably should have straightened him out when he realized the kid had jumped to the wrong conclusion, but he just couldn’t deal with it or the inevitable questions that it would lead to.  So, once again he’d protected his heart with a lie, albeit a lie of omission.

Len watched as Jim quit worrying at his lip and turned to face him again, he seemed to have come to terms with whatever had been bothering him. 

“Come on, Bones.  It’s just us.  Why do we have to define it?  It is what it is.  I don’t expect anything from you.  I promise, no strings.  We’ll go back, put the rings and the papers away and we’ll just go back to the way things were.  They were good, right?  Best friends.”

“Yeah, Jim.  Best friends.”

 It was what he wanted, so why did Len feel so hollow. 

“But what happens if someone finds out?”

“Bones, are you ashamed to be married me?” Jim teased trying to lighten the mood that had befallen them.

“Jim, dammit, it’s not that.  It’s just, well, Starfleet is not gonna exactly be pleased.”

“How would they find out?  It’s only recorded in Georgia.  We would have to fill out the appropriate forms for Starfleet to have the union recognized.  Starfleet recognizes all types of unions.  Maybe, instead, we could arrange something where we list each other as next of kin, as beneficiaries, maybe even room together. That should be enough to satisfy Jocelyn if she were to look around, call unexpectedly.  She’s not your wife anymore, she wouldn’t be permitted access to your records.  We both list Joanna as our beneficiary, you list me as her medical contact, you know, so if anything happened I would have authority to make decisions on your behalf.  Other than that, it wouldn’t really have to affect our everyday lives.”

It made sense.  Len had lived in close proximity to Jim for the past two years.  They may not actually be living together, but they might as well be.  Hell, most of the campus already thought they _were_ a couple.  There had even been some unfortunate comments and Len had found himself, on more than one occasion, having to straighten someone out and tell them that, no, he wasn’t fucking Jim Kirk and, no, he didn’t care that Jim was nailing anything in a skirt. 

“And there’s another reason we can’t tell Starfleet, because you’re my doctor, too.  If we told them we were married they would force me to pick someone else, and that just doesn’t work for me.  I don’t trust any other doctor to work on me, only you.  And when I’m Captain,” Len just rolled his eyes.  “Don’t give me that look, it’s gonna happen.  And when I’m the Captain of my own ship, I want you as my CMO.  So, I think it would only complicate matters if Starfleet knew we were married.  All they need to know is that you’re my next of kin and beneficiary.”

Jim brought up a very valid point and it got Len thinking along another line.  “How is this going to affect your career, Jim?  Could we even serve together?”  Jim was making a sacrifice to help him and the last thing he wanted to do was compromise his career. 

“Well, it would solve the fraternization problem.”  Jim waggled his eyebrow and gave him his patented wise ass smirk. 

“That’s cute.  You think we’re gonna  be fraternizing.  In your dreams, kid.”

“Yeah, and it is one hell of a dream.”

“Stop it.”

“I’m picturing it right now.”

“Jim.”

“You can’t stop me Bones.” 

“Infant.”

 

It didn’t take long after that for Jim to fall asleep.  And damn if the kid didn’t spread himself out across the bed.  Len shoved him over towards his side more than once, but at some point just gave up and tolerated the blond pressed against his side.

It took Len a little longer to shut off his thoughts, because all kidding aside, when it came right down to it, Leonard was feeling a little lost.  He didn’t like uncertainty, didn’t like the feeling of being out of control of his own life. 

Len’s eyes grew heavy and he drifted to sleep lulled by Jim’s soft measured respirations, the weight of Jim’s leg against his own warm and grounding.

He didn’t know what he had done to deserve a friend like Jim Kirk, but he was truly thankful for the exasperating man in his bed. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone for your wonderful comments. I hope this chapter lived up to expectation. I found myself continually rewriting and rearranging and decided to just post it and be done. I know POV gets to be an issue at times, but I try to keep it as clear as possible. That is one of my biggest challenges. Thank you all for reading. The kudos and comments really do motivate. Thank you!


	5. Chapter Five

 

oOo

Len woke to find Jim’s side of the bed cold.  He had obviously been up for a while and he could hear the low murmur of Jim on his comm coming from the living room.  No doubt tying up last minute loose ends before today’s hearing. 

Len felt his stomach flip nervously at the thought of what today might bring.  By the end of the day he should know what course his life was going to take, some of the uncertainty should be put to rest and the thought that he might actually see Joanna sent a little thrill through him.  It had been too long.  He needed to see her, needed to hold her.  It was with a growing sense of anticipation that he got up and started to get ready for the day.

+

“If you didn’t relinquish your parental rights in the divorce decree then there isn’t anything Treadway can do about it.  You’re here to contest the adoption.  You’re her father, simple as that.”  

“Well, Clay won’t take it sittin’ down. He’s always been a stubborn cuss.”

“You know, Treadway?”  Jim asked surprised.

“Yeah.”   Jim watched Bones body language.  “Clay, was my friend first, before I met Jocelyn.”

“So, Clay was friends with you and Jocelyn?” 

“Yeah, in high school.”  Bones seemed to be choosing his words carefully.  He was acting like he was hiding something.   “Clay was the ex.”

Jim looked at him curiously.  So Jocelyn had dated Clay first then dumped him for Bones.

“And you married Jocelyn.”  Jim could see how that could have caused hard feelings.  Then Clay comes back in the picture and Bones walks in on him fucking Jocelyn in their bed.  “God, this is way more complicated than I thought.”

“You have no idea, kid.”  Bones walked away to get dressed and Jim gave him his room.  He knew it was going to be a long difficult day.

 

Jim was already dressed and he was waiting rather impatiently for Bones.

Bones was struggling with the clasp on the high “choker” collar of his service dress tunic.  “Here, let me help you with that.” 

He lifted his chin to allow Jim access to the hook and Jim couldn’t help admiring the long column of Bones’ neck.  His baring his throat somewhat was symbolic in a way, of how much he trusted Jim. 

+

Len held still, impatient to hook the collar himself, but allowing Jim.  He could tell that Jim was anxious by how he kept fussing with the details on his and Len’s uniforms.  It was Jim’s idea to wear the dress white uniform, and damn if he wasn’t wearing the crap out of it.  He looked every inch the Starfleet officer. 

Jim was exacting in his adherence to regs and their uniforms were pristine.  He’d made sure all of their awards and rank insignia were properly displayed.  Jim wore his cadet Ensign rank proudly, but Len felt a little self-conscious of his Lieutenant Commander stripes.  His advanced degree had earned him a higher rank than Jim initially, but he was certain that one day Jim would surpass him.

The uniform was a symbol of everything Jim and Len had so far achieved at the academy.  Len held himself differently in uniform than he did when he wore a suit.  A suit was formal, yet familiar.  He found the uniform somewhat restrictive, but it served as a constant reminder to stand straight and tall.  He was conscious that when he was in uniform he was a representative of the Federation and he took a certain amount of pride in that.

Jim finished with his collar and Len looked himself over in the mirror, “I hate the shoulder boards.”

“Really?”  Jim kind of liked them.  They made Bones’ shoulders obscenely broad.

Jim looked fit and trim in his whites and Len couldn’t help observing, “Someday, Jimmy, there’ll be stripes on those sleeves.”

“You know it.  And sooner rather than later if I have any say in the matter.”

Jim held the door for Len while he retrieved his cover, then followed him down the hall to the lift.  He couldn’t help admiring the cut of Bones’ whites and how they highlighted his ass.  He was hoping Jocelyn would notice.  Eat your heart out Joce.

 

oOo

When they got to the courthouse, Jim refused to go in until ten minutes before the start of the hearing.   

“Dammit Jim, I didn’t come all this way to wait in the hallway.”  Bones paced nervously as Jim watched the seconds tick down on his chronometer.

“Have patience Bones.  I plan on making an entrance.”

At exactly two minutes before the hour, Jim held the door once again and ushered Bones ahead of him.

The judge stopped them as soon as they stepped in.  “I’m sorry gentleman, but this is a closed hearing, family only.” 

Both men removed their covers, Jim tucking his under his arm, Bones holding it nervously before him, both hands worrying at the band. 

“Yes, ma’am,” Bones addressed the judge, “I’m Dr. Leonard McCoy, Joanna McCoy’s father.”

Jim heard the gasp from the front of the room as all heads swiveled to face them.  It was easy to pick out Jocelyn, her bright hair shining in the early morning light beaming through the tall windows.  The brunet at her side must be Treadway.

“Please approach the bench.”  Jim could feel all eyes on them as they made their way forward.  The judge, a middle aged woman, looked them both over, her bright eyes taking in every detail of their uniforms, carefully scrutinizing their awards.  She nodded slightly after looking Bones over then settled her gaze on Jim.  “And who is this?  Your lawyer?”  Jim thought the question carried a hint of humor, she was obviously aware that his insignia and rank indicated otherwise. 

+

“No, ma’am.  This is my husband, James Kirk.”

He couldn’t tell if that name meant anything to her, but he thought he had caught a gleam of recognition in her eye.

“Well, I dare say, this hearing is not going to be as cut and dried as I had anticipated.  Gentlemen, please have a seat at the defendant’s table.”

“Your honor, I object.”  Len and Jim looked to the man standing behind the plaintiff’s table, where Jocelyn and Clay sat staring in outraged shock.

“Do you now?  Nothing’s happened yet for you to object to,” the judge drawled in a sweet Georgian accent masking an edge of steel.   “If you object to the mere presence of the minor child’s biological father then your objection is denied.  That is, after all, the purpose of this hearing, to sever his parental rights.  He _should_ be here for this.

“Unless there is some question as to whether he _is_ the biological father?”  The judge looked from Len to Jocelyn and back.  Leonard, with a horrified look on his face, turned to Jocelyn.  Everyone in the courtroom looked to Jocelyn.  And damn, if that woman didn’t look like she was trying to come up with a plausible lie and somehow make this work in her favor. 

But before she could open her mouth, Jim stepped forward, “You honor, if I may, I would like to submit DNA test results that show conclusively that Leonard McCoy is Joanna McCoy’s biological father.”

Len swung around in surprise to look at Jim who was standing calmly and handing a PADD to the bailiff who in turn passed it to the judge.

After looking the results over briefly, the judge pointed them to the defendant’s table, “Everything seems to be in order, please have a seat gentlemen.”

Leonard was still looking at Jim, wondering where the hell the test results had come from.  He hadn’t thought to bring any type of paperwork with him because he had never questioned Joanna’s parentage.  Not until that one brief moment of doubt at the judge’s question.  He wondered what Jocelyn would have done if Jim hadn’t spoken up.  Not that it couldn’t have been confirmed fairly quickly with another DNA test, but Len was thankful that he wouldn’t have to put Jo through that on top of everything else.  How would she have felt to hear her mother denouncing her father?  But then, he really had no idea what Jocelyn said about him behind his back to his daughter.

Leonard took a good look around the room at this point trying to see if Joanna was in the room, afraid she may have heard, but, thankfully, she didn’t seem to be present.  His relief was followed quickly with disappointment when he realized that he might not get to see her after all.

Jim nudged a bony elbow into his ribs and he tried to drag his attention back to the proceedings.

+

The Bailiff handed the judge the docket.

“Computer begin recording.”

“We are here to decide custody of the minor child, Joanna Marie McCoy.  Plaintiff Clay Treadway, has petitioned to adopt Joanna McCoy.  Jocelyn and Clay Treadway are being represented by Attorney Daniel Cane. 

“Dr. McCoy, do you wish representation?” 

“No, ma’am, Mr. Kirk and I will represent ourselves.  I came here in good faith. I didn’t feel it was necessary to bring a JAG with me, even though Starfleet would have provided one had I asked.”

“Acknowledged.”  She turned to address Jocelyn’s lawyer, “Mr. Cane if you would like to proceed with the petition.”

“Thank you your honor.”  Daniel Cane, a short heavy set man with dark hair and a stern expression, stood and began reading Jocelyn and Clay’s petition from his PADD.   “Mr. Clay Thomas Treadway, respectfully petitions the court to adopt his wife, Mrs. Jocleyn Darnell Treadway’s, biological child and his stepdaughter.  As cause for adoption, he states that Dr. Leonard H. McCoy, his wife’s ex-husband and father of Joanna Marie McCoy has willfully abandoned his daughter.   He left no forwarding address, has not provided for her support and has had no contact with the child in the past 23 months.  We also contend that Dr. McCoy is an unfit parent who is guilty of neglect and domestic abuse.”

“That’s bullshit!”  Jim put a hand on Bones’ arm to restrain him.

“Dr. McCoy, I am warning you, I will not tolerate such language or outbursts in my courtroom.  Mr. Kirk, you best see that your husband controls himself.”

“Yes, ma’am.  If we could just have a moment, please?”

“I can give you two minutes while I enter these documents into evidence.”

After thanking the judge, Jim pulled Bones to the side of the room.

“What was your plan Bones?  Because unless you have a plan, I think you should let me do the talking.” 

“My only plan was to make sure Clay doesn’t adopt Joanna.”

“Exactly.  And we’re going to do that, but things could get ugly.  You need to keep your temper under control.  I can’t have you offending the judge before we even get started.  Keep your eyes on the prize and let me handle the rest, alright?”

Bones just nodded.  “You can do that right?”

“Yeah, Jim,” Bones said in a condescending tone, “I think I can keep my mouth shut.”

“Good.”  Jim took his arm and led him back to the table.

+

“Are you gentlemen, ready to continue?  Because, Dr. McCoy, if there’s another outburst, I will be forced to ask you to leave and it will not reflect well on your case.”

“Yes, ma’am.  I understand.  It won’t happen again.”  Len felt like a naughty two year old being scolded and it was a feeling he found he didn’t like in the least.

“Good.  I’m willing to give you some leeway as you’ve chosen to represent yourselves.  You will get your chance to address the charges.  Understood?”

“Yes, ma’am.” 

“Alright, please bring the official recording up to date, computer please reflect the fact that Dr. McCoy has provided DNA proof that he is indeed the biological father of the minor, Joanna McCoy hereafter referred to as Joanna.” 

Daniel Cane stood to continue, “Doctor McCoy left Atlanta days after the finalization of his divorce from Jocelyn Treadway.  He left no forwarding address and has not contacted Mrs. Treadway or his daughter, Joanna since.  He has failed to send any support payments for his daughter, as was agreed upon in the divorce decree, and she had no reason to believe he was interested in her adoption. 

Len was typing furiously on Jim’s PADD before the lawyer had even finished his statement.  He passed the PADD to Jim who read it over before standing.

“I object, your honor.” Jim addressed the judge. 

“It’s true that Dr. Kirk-McCoy left Atlanta and has been unable to return until now.  He didn’t contact his ex-wife, although he wanted to see his daughter, because he didn’t think she would welcome his requests.  That belief is supported by the fact that Leonard wasn’t informed about this hearing.  He only found out about Mr. Treadway’s intention to adopt his daughter by reading about it in the Atlanta Gazette. 

“Mrs. Treadway clearly didn’t want him at this hearing, because if she had bothered to do a minimal search for him, she would have easily been able to find him.  He still works as a surgeon, still speaks at conferences and still publishes research.  It would be relatively simple to find him through his professional affiliations.  I contend that she knew exactly where he was and instead of informing him about the adoption, she published the legal notice in the one place she was pretty certain he wouldn’t see it.”

Jocelyn was making indignant noises at Jim’s assertion.

“As for the support payments, Leonard and Mrs. Treadway had a verbal agreement that she wouldn’t hold him to the payment schedule established by the court.  She was very aware of the fact that he had given her all of their joint property, real and financial.  He left her everything, so she agreed that she wouldn’t pursue the support payments and if she was so concerned, why didn’t she attempt to contact him before now?”

Jocelyn couldn’t remain quiet any longer, “Leo, you know damned well, you up and left.  You said you’d keep in touch but you didn’t.  You don’t deserve to have Joanna.”

“Mrs. Treadway, you will address all of your comments to me.  Not to Dr. McCoy or Mr. Kirk,” the judge admonished.

+

“Dr. Kirk-McCoy,” Jim interjected.

“Excuse me?”

“Ma’am, his name, it’s Dr. Kirk-McCoy.”

Now, every time the judge addressed Bones as Dr. Kirk-McCoy she would be reinforcing the fact that he was now a Kirk, a family with long established ties to Starfleet and the Federation.  That definitely couldn’t hurt their case.

“Thank you, Mr. Kirk, for that clarification.”  Jim nodded serenely and Jocelyn looked fit to be tied. 

 

oOo

The judge called a short recess, so everyone filed into the hallway and after short bathroom breaks, gathered back near the entrance.  Jocelyn and Clay were standing together, their backs to Len as he exited the men’s room and he couldn’t help hearing the tail end of their conversation as he approached. 

“I thought you said he wouldn’t see the legal notice,” Jocelyn addressed Clay accusingly.

“How the hell was I supposed to know?  I checked around and no one seemed to know where he was.  I didn’t think he was talking to anyone here anymore.”

“Well, someone told him.”

Len couldn’t help interrupting at that.  “And I owe them a debt of gratitude.  Even after everything Joce, I never thought you would go behind my back to completely cut me out of Jo’s life.”

Jocelyn rounded on him, her hazel eyes flashing, “You cut yourself out of Jo’s life.”

“And why was that?  You know damn well why I couldn’t stay.”  Len fell easily into the familiar quarreling that had plagued the last couple years of their marriage. 

“You left.  You don’t get a damn say.  The last time I saw you, you were drinking yourself to death.”  She waived at him dismissively, “How was I supposed to know you were even still alive?  You don’t even talk to your family.”

“No, Joce.  My family doesn’t talk to me.  There’s a difference.”  Not much of one, but it _was_ a difference.

“And how dare you show up here with _him_?”  Jocelyn indicated Jim with a dismissive flick of her head in his direction.   “It’s mighty convenient that you got married the day before the adoption hearing.”  She looked him up and down, “It’s obvious you only got married to fuck with me.” 

Oh, hell no.  She wasn’t dragging Jim into this.  Out of spite he bit out, “No actually, I got married to fuck Jim.  We consummated our marriage over every surface in our hotel room.  Is that what you want to hear, Joce?"

Her face turned a deep shade of pink at that comment.  "You're just getting back at me for Clay."  She hissed.

“Yeah.  I married him just to spite you.”  Damn if that wasn’t too close to the truth for comfort. 

“Dammit, Jocelyn, it ain’t always about you!  I’ve got a life now that has nothin’ to do with you.”  Len clamped down on his anger, worried that he might push her too far and aware that if he got custody of Jo, he would have Jocelyn back in his life as well.  Fuck. 

“You lied to me.”

“It wasn’t a lie, Joce.  None of it was a lie.”  Len said wearily.  It was an old, worn out argument, but it still dredged up the guilt.

Len was uncomfortably aware of Clay standing close behind Jocelyn.  He could see the protective stance he had taken, he could also see the flash of regret and hurt cross his face at her words.  Was she so selfish that she couldn’t see that her words were inflicting pain on the wrong person?  Because Len was slightly surprised to find that she wasn’t managing to get under his skin like she usually did.

“Even if it was a lie, Joce, which it wasn’t, it didn’t keep you from doing the same thing you accused me of.”  He couldn’t help the bitter taste of his words.  He looked up into Clay’s light blue eyes, so different from Jim’s, “And with the same person.”

+

Jim watched from several yards off.  He took in Bones’ body language as he spoke to his ex.  They were obviously arguing.  What was more interesting, though, was how Clay hovered on the border, Jocelyn and Bones both looking in his direction.  Bones’ color was high and rising.  Was it anger, or something else? 

Clay was close to Bones, too close to Bones and there was something about Treadway’s behavior he couldn’t quite put his finger on.  He hovered at Jocelyn’s elbow then surged forward reaching for Bones.  Jim straightened from his slouch against the wall, and prepared himself to intercede if things got physical.  Bones put one hand on Clay’s chest stopping his forward progress while Jocelyn grabbed one arm and attempted to haul him back. 

Huh. 

Bones looked back at Jim, like he was checking to see where he was. 

Clay was behaving as if he had license to enter Bones’ personal space, as if he were permitted to touch him and it triggered Jim’s possessive response.  He fought to contain the wave of possessive jealousy, confused by his gut reaction, and it didn’t connect until Jim saw the guilt in those hazel eyes staring into his. 

It was then that the picture became clear.  All of a sudden the final puzzle piece slotted and Jim was able to see the full picture.  Treadway.  Now that he thought about it, Bones had just referred to him as “the ex” and Jim had just assumed that he was Jocelyn’s ex.  Well, shame on him, in this day and age, of just assuming anything. 

Well fuck.  Not only was the failure of his marriage becoming clearer, but so was his own relationship with Bones.  They’d known each other for two years and he had had no clue that Bones might be bisexual.  Yeah, there was that one night, but that had just been the alcohol.  Or more succinctly, alcohol fueled anger.  He refused to acknowledge that there may have been an unhealthy dose of jealousy as well.  Jim still didn’t know what to do with what had happened.  He didn’t know how Bones felt about it, but his refusal to discuss it now took on a whole new meaning.

+

Of course it was too much to hope that Jim wasn’t here in the hallway witnessing this altercation.

Len looked back to Clay, his hand braced against a chest he once knew intimately.  He shifted uncomfortably and let his hand fall back to his side.  Jocelyn pulled herself up against Clay’s side and wrapped a possessive arm around his waist.

Len lowered his voice, but knew that there was no way to keep Clay from hearing.  “It wasn’t a lie, Joce.  I loved you.  I did.  It just didn’t work out, we drifted apart and we couldn’t find our way back.”

Len ran a hand through his hair, and sighed.  He had been committed to his marriage vows and he hadn’t wanted the divorce.  Part of him still believed that they could have worked out their problems, but maybe he was still just deluding himself.  But, whatever else had happened, Jocelyn was still the mother of his child and he decided that he better start learning to be civil to her. 

“What’s done is done. I can’t keep rehashing the past.”  Len could feel the weight of Jim’s gaze on his back and he hoped he could avoid the inevitable questions.

+

After a few more minutes of heated discussion, Bones walked over to where Jim was leaning against the wall lost in thought.  He looked up when Bones’ shiny black regulation shoes came into view and stopped before him.

 “You and Clay.  He was _your_ ex,” Jim said in a flat tone.

“I am not discussing this with you.”

Jim bristled, “Like fuck you aren’t.  I told you I didn’t want any surprises today.  Right now, I don’t give a fuck if you lied to me, we’ll deal with that later.  But I’ll be damned if we lose _because_ you fucking lied.  I’m trying my damnedest to get you your daughter back.”  Len had never seen Jim so furious.  His voice was cold and hard as steel, his eyes dark and stormy.  “There anything else you want to tell me before we go back in there?”

“I didn’t lie.”

“Semantics.  You didn’t tell the truth then.”  Jim pushed off the wall and stalked back into the courtroom leaving Len to follow.

 

oOo

When the hearing resumed Daniel Cane proceeded to bring up in great detail the most shameful episodes of Leonard’s life.  He had to sit there and listen, knowing that Jim was right beside him.  He had never wanted Jim to know just how low he had sunk before he had found his way to Starfleet.  He knew Jim, of all people wouldn’t judge him, but would really have preferred to keep his failures private.

Joce and Clay went all out.  They managed to drag in his alcoholism, him killing his daddy and how he had beaten the shit out of Clay when he found him buried balls deep in his wife.  Leonard came out looking like a psychotic on the verge of a break who couldn’t possibly be trusted with the responsibility for a child when he couldn’t take responsibility for himself. 

The lawyer wrapped his summation with one question, “Is that the type of man you would want raising your child?” 

Len sat in shamed silence and wondered what Jim could possibly say to redeem his reputation at this point.

It was their turn to answer the charges Jocelyn had made and Jim stood to address the judge.

“Everything they stated was true.”  

_What the fuck?_   He was agreeing with Joce and Clay?

“Leonard was a drunk, he killed his father and he hit Clay Treadway.  We won’t attempt to deny the truth.” 

+

Jim avoided looking at Bones, but he could feel the sense of betrayal in his still, tense posture.  Jim continued.

“I’m sure your honor is well aware that euthanasia is an accepted practice among many species in the Federation.  The Council of the Federation of Planets has up held the rulings of Earth’s Supreme Judiciary in its decision that euthanasia is considered legal and un-prosecutable if the patient is of sound mind and able to consent in a written or video affidavit.  Your honor, we present David McCoy’s statement of intent as evidence that he requested his son, a licensed physician, to assist in his death.”  Jim took a moment to forward David’s video statement to the judge’s PADD.  He had thought about playing the file for everyone to see, but didn’t want to put Bones thorough that if he didn’t have to.

“As for the drinking, we will concede that Leonard was indeed abusing alcohol in the wake of his actions as requested by his father.  Understandably, he had a hard time processing his guilt.

“So, yes.  Leonard _was_ a drunk.  He’s not any more.  He legally assisted his father’s death.  And he asserted his right to self-defense when confronted with another man in his bed, with his wife.   All of these accusations are true, but we would also like it on the record that he is no longer a danger to himself or anyone else.

“Dr. Kirk-McCoy has managed to turn his life around and is a highly respected surgeon who works at Starfleet Medical and attends Starfleet Academy.   We would like to enter into evidence his academic records from the Academy.  Attached you’ll find his grades, his awards, his published research papers, and a full listing of his clinic rotations.”  Jim forwarded another file to the judge who took a couple of minutes to review it.

“Well, Cadet,” the judge smiled as she addressed Bones by his official academy title, “these credentials are impressive.  You have a very ambitious schedule.  I don’t see how you could maintain this schedule or your grade point average if you were doing anything other than working and studying.”

It was good that the judge was impressed by Bones’ academic record, but Jim had one more ace up his sleeve.

“Your honor, I would also like to present an affidavit of character reference from Admiral Jonathan Archer.”  Jim pulled up the video on the comm terminal on their table.  This video he was definitely playing for everyone present and watched as it appeared on the screen at the front of the room.

+

_The hell?_   Len had only met Archer once, how the hell had Jim gotten the head of Starfleet to record a personal statement of reference on his behalf?

Len watched as Admiral Jonathan Archer, seated in his campus office, in front of the Federation of Planets flag, gave a glowing report of his two years at the academy.  Len blushed as he went into detail on his research and his break-through for a cure for Praxian Hyperpyrexia.  That vaccine had recently proven successful in live subject testing and was currently slated to be rolled out for inoculations beginning with the disease ravaged populations of Praxor III. 

As he listened to Archer, he was uncomfortably aware of the fact that he had up and deserted his research along with his studies.  He hated compromising the trials because of personal reasons, but for one damn time in his life, his personal life had to come first.  Jo had to come first.  As this thought crossed his mind, he was aware of very similar words being uttered by Admiral Archer. 

“It is with great regret that we contemplate the possible loss of Dr. McCoy’s expertise on this project, but with deep understanding that his family must be a priority at this time.  Starfleet is optimistic that he will, at some point, be able to return to his post and continue his duties.  It would be a great loss to the Federation if he were forced to resign before reaching his full potential.”

Damn.  Leonard was truly humbled.  He glanced sideways at Jim who was watching just as raptly as the admiral expounded on all of his virtues.  Hell if it didn’t feel like a whitewash, but he would be damned if he said anything to ruin the impression. 

As Archer continued to sing his praises, Jim looked at him like he had a new level of respect for him.  Jim knew he worked hard, knew he was involved in high security level medical research, but even he probably hadn’t been aware of just how successful Len had been.   Len preferred it that way.  What he did, he didn’t do for recognition and he wasn’t thrilled with Archer bringing attention to it now.

Jim seemed to catch his mood and whispered, “I didn’t know what he was going to say, honest.  I just asked if he would make a basic statement about your grades and anticipated graduation date.”

“You just asked?” He looked a little closer at Jim, who had looked away, refusing to meet his eyes.  “Do you know the Admiral, Jim?” 

“Yeah, maybe.  Just a little.  Kinda know most of Starfleet brass.”  He looked down at his shoes, “Kinda comes with the name, ya know?”

Well, that explained it.  Of course, Jim would know most of the men and women who were of an age to have served with his father and mother.  Len just hadn’t seen any evidence of that at the academy, but knowing Jim, he would want that kept private.  He was a very private person under all the bluster.  He knew Jim would want his achievements to stand on their own and not have anyone think he had gotten any preferential treatment.  They were a lot alike in that respect.

Len was highly impressed with how thorough Jim had been in his defense and he felt he had gotten a glimpse of the captain Jim would one day be.  The longer he knew Jim and came to understand just how intelligent, fiercely independent and loyal he was, the prouder he was to call him friend.  He couldn’t have asked for a better person to represent him.  He knew Jim had taken a personal stake in the outcome of this hearing and Len knew that, whatever happened now, he had given it his all.    

Len was startled from his reverie by the judge’s next words.

“I’ve decided that I’m dropping the allegations of neglect and abuse from the petition as they appear to have no merit.  No relevant evidence has been presented beyond hearsay and credible evidence has been presented to the contrary.  Dr. Kirk-McCoy has contested and the petition for adoption is denied.  Therefore, this hearing will now deal solely with establishing custody.”

Daniel Cane scrambled to respond, “Your honor, if adoption is no longer a possibility, then my clients wish to request full custody.”

“Thank you, Mr. Cane.  Mr. Kirk, Dr. Kirk-McCoy do you wish to respond?”

+

“Yes, ma’am,” Jim answered.  “We too wish to request full custody.  In support of such I am prepared to submit a full financial disclosure and we have taken the liberty of preparing a custody proposal.”  Jim transmitted a large file from the comm terminal at their table to the judge’s PADD. 

After Cane had also submitted his proposal along with Jocelyn and Clay’s financials, the judge took a few minutes review the materials before continuing. 

“Everything here seems to be in order, now let’s get down to details.”

Cane rushed to voice his objection, “Dr. Kirk-McCoy is a student at Starfleet Academy.  He’s taking a full academic course load as well as working as an attending physician at the campus Medical Facility.  While we commend his ambitious pursuits, he’s still a year away from graduation and once he graduates he will most likely be posted off planet, or on a starship.  Neither of which is a viable option for his assuming full custody of Joanna.  Mrs. Treadway is unwilling to relinquish physical custody or visitation and insists that Joanna be kept on Earth.”

“Mr. Kirk, Doctor, do you wish to respond?”

“Yes, your honor.  It’s true Dr. Kirk-McCoy has a year until graduation, but he’s willing to make concessions.  It would be possible to have Joanna live with him on the academy grounds in family housing while he continues his studies.  We would agree to Joanna remaining on Earth, as long as that also applies to any custody granted to the Treadways.”  Take that bitch.

+

“Your honor,” Jim turned to face Len willing him with his eyes to remain silent, but Len had had enough of sitting back and letting Jim plead his case.  This was his life, his daughter.  “Your honor, I’m willing to resign my position in Starfleet if it means I can devote my time to Joanna.  I can get a position as a civilian physician at a Starfleet Medical branch here on Earth.”

+

Jim cringed internally as Bones attempted to throw himself under the bus and undo all of his hard work.  He rushed to fill the momentary silence left in the wake of his once again attempting to _resign_.  And they would so be having words about that later. 

“There’s a branch of Starfleet Medical in Riverside, Iowa, where you will see from our disclosure that we already own property,” Jim hurried to add.

“Yes, I did note that,” the judge frowned down at him from the bench, “and I would like to state for the record that this is highly irregular, Mr. Kirk.  You have presented a glowing case on behalf of Dr. Kirk-McCoy, but I’m suspicious at to the timing of your marriage as your license is dated yesterday, and also that your timely marriage allows Dr. Kirk-McCoy to assume joint ownership of your property.  I suspect that you’ve arranged this for the purpose of this hearing, though I admit that I find it hard to believe that you would have given up such a large amount of money and assets unless there’s truly a relationship here as well.  That being said, you two do appear to be well equipped to provide for one small child.  Therefore, under the circumstances, I will concede that perhaps you merely formalized an existing relationship for the benefit of Joanna.  I choose to see this as a statement of commitment, not only to each other, but to her as well.”

Jocelyn barely managed to contain her displeasure and Clay put a restraining hand on her arm.

Jim breathed a sigh of relief, but very quietly.  They had just passed the highest hurdle in his estimation.  “Thank you your honor.  Leonard and I have been together for almost two years and if we’re awarded custody, we would be willing to negotiate a generous visitation schedule with Mr. and Mrs. Treadway.  I would hope that they would do the same.”

Jim knew that he had pressed Jocelyn and Clay into a corner they would have a difficult time arguing themselves out of.  He had proven Bones was committed and capable of providing a home for Joanna.  Now, he just needed to negotiate the visitation he hoped to win. 

 

After another hour of hammering out possible visitation and custody scenarios, the judge retired to her chamber to consider all of the arguments and proposals that had been presented.

It was during this break, when the courtroom doors opened and an older lady entered holding the hand of a small child.  The girl, about four, was the spitting image of her father.  That must really have galled Jocelyn and Jim took a small amount of pleasure at that thought.  He looked to Bones and realized that he had seen her as well.  The look on his face was one of utter surprise.

Jim tilted his head in Bones direction, “That must be Jo, but who is that with her, Bones?”

“That’s my mama, Jim,” Bones answered, his voice low and choked.

Damn.  Eleanora McCoy, he had almost forgotten about her.  She was a wild card.  An unknown element and Jim considered her warily.  If Eleanor threw her weight behind Jocelyn and Clay and argued that Bones was unfit, it could be an uphill battle. 

Her presence by Jo’s side explained why Bones still maintained his position and distance from the little girl who was his entire focus.

+

Leonard wanted so badly to run to Joanna and grab her up in his arms, but he was very aware of the fact that he hadn’t seen her since she was two.  She had grown so much, but he would still recognize his baby anywhere.  He wondered if she would recognize him.  The last thing he wanted to do was move at her too quickly and startle or scare her.  He knew from experience that to a four year old he was quite a large man.  At the hospital, he had learned to stand back and approach slowly while speaking in a low, quiet voice, almost like you would to not spook an animal. 

But Len didn’t get so far as putting one foot in front of the other when Joanna spotted him.  She pulled her hand free from her grandmother’s and flew down the aisle and threw herself into her father’s arms. 

“Daddy!” she squealed.

Len stooped and scooped her up and cradled her to his chest, the tears streaming unchecked down his cheeks.  Joanna put both arms around his neck and hugged him for all she was worth. 

“Jo-bug.  Daddy has missed you so much.  I love you, honey.  Daddy loves you.” He murmured into her hair, completely forgetting that anyone else was present, so completely focused on his little girl.

+

Jocelyn looked on in consternation, Jim was certain that she was afraid of interceding and being accused of making a scene or preventing Bones from seeing his daughter.

Eleanora, a small, well dressed woman with graying dark hair, shared a strong family resemblance with Bones and Joanna.  She continued walking down the aisle coming to stand several feet away from them, an unreadable expression on her face.

Jim drew himself up to his full height and stood, essentially at parade rest, with his hands clasped behind his back.  His expression was open, but his body language made it perfectly clear that to get to Bones, she was going to have to go through him first.  Jim wasn’t going to allow anything to interrupt this reunion.  Eleanora regarded him for several moments before moving to sit on the side of the courtroom behind Jocelyn and Clay. 

+

Len held Joanna and listened to her chatter on about what she and Grammy had been doing that day while she fingered the ribbons and brass buttons on his uniform.  He drank in her every expression committing it to memory, the sound of her voice, the feel of her soft hair beneath his fingers as he brushed back the bangs that had fallen in her eyes.  He had to chuckle to himself, like father like daughter. 

They were able to enjoy a few more uninterrupted minutes before the judge returned and seeing the child in his arms addressed his mother, “Mrs. McCoy, I’m glad to see that you were able to make it.  If you would please take Joanna to my chambers, we will be with you shortly.”

With that, Eleanora came to retrieve Joanna and Len gave her one last kiss before placing her back on her feet.  He caught his mother’s eye and gave her a small half-smile that she returned, nodding her head, she took Joanna’s hand and led her from the room. 

Len followed them with his eyes only managing to tune back into the ongoing discussion once the door had closed behind them and what was going on around him didn’t seem to make any sense.  Jocelyn was angry and Clay was holding her, keeping her at his side.  Jim had a huge grin in his face and was slapping him on the back and the judge was looking at him in amusement.

“Doctor.  I’m glad to see you’ve joined us again.  I’ll repeat myself since it doesn’t seem that you were listening.

Len blushed furiously at having been caught daydreaming.

“Dr. Kirk-McCoy, I am awarding you full custody of your daughter, Joanna McCoy.”  Jocelyn cried out again and Clay pulled her deeper into his arms to comfort her. 

Len stood stock still, not daring to believe, but unable to ignore the commotion going on, or Jim’s steady slapping of his shoulder.  Custody.  He had been granted full custody. 

All Len could think about was the fact that he was getting his baby back.  He was going to be with Jo.

+

Jim hadn’t expected the judge to award Bones custody.  In all of his calculations, that scenario had had a low probability of success.  Well fuck.  He fucking hated to lose and he knew he was a competitive, overachieving bastard, but now that he had won the case what the fuck was he going to do?  Bones would surely resign and move closer to Georgia to raise Joanna and where did that leave him? 

Jim couldn’t help the smile that pushed the corners of his mouth upwards when Bones looked at him with that huge, beautiful smile on his face.  His only real goal was to see Bones happy and he had succeeded.  But the smile slipped quickly from his lips as Bones turned away.

 

Once the initial shock had worn off, the judge returned their attention to ironing out the final details of visitation.  There were still some details that were unresolved, but what it all came down to was that Bones had sole say in where Joanna would live.  He conceded that he would not take her off planet without consulting with Jocelyn first, but in the end, the decision was his.  Jim knew it was only a formality, because he knew Bones would never take her far away from her mother, he would never deprive Joanna, or Jocelyn of that relationship the way he had already been deprived.  Besides, Bones couldn’t bring Joanna on a starship.  If he couldn’t serve in the black, he knew Bones would choose to stay planet side.

Visitation was again at Bones’ discretion, but he agreed that Jocelyn would have full access to her as long as she notified him in advance.  At minimum, she could expect every other weekend, half of the national holidays and two months in the summer.  The judge established the schedule and reiterated that it was flexible as long as both Bones and Jocelyn came to an agreement they could both support.  It was also decided that since Joanna needed time to get to know her father again, the transition would take place over the following month.  Bones would return to San Francisco to make up his missed finals, then he would be allowed to visit Joanna, it would also give him time to set up housing for them both. 

Jocelyn was rather subdued as she signed the agreement with her biometric signature.  She further agreed to leave Eleanora to bring Joanna home, and she and Clay left.  Jim watched them leaving and felt a little guilty at how upset they seemed to be, but it couldn’t be helped.

+

The judge ushered them into her private chambers where Joanna was sitting at a table coloring while Eleanora read nearby.  When she saw her father, Joanna hurried over to show him what she had been working on.  Leonard sat in a chair at the table and lifted her onto his lap so he could better see the pictures as she narrated.

Eleanora watched quietly as they interacted only interrupting once to correct Jo.

When Joanna had gone back to coloring, Len finally looked over at his mother.  “Hi, Mama.”

“Hello, Leo.  It’s been a long time.”  She looked him over, “You look well.  You’ve obviously been taking better care of yourself.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

Eleanora looked pointedly at the ring on his finger then over to Jim and back to Len.  She raised on eyebrow, “Well, boy, do you plan on introducing me to my son-in-law?”

Len looked over to Jim who was propped against the edge of the judge’s desk, watching over Joanna’s shoulder as she drew.  He looked up at his name and saw Bones blush at his mother’s question.  Leonard stood and placed Joanna down in the chair and motioned for his mother to follow him to the other side of the room.

+

 Jim looked at them curiously but decided to sit next to Jo at the table in Bones’ absence. 

Joanna looked up at Jim and her eyes flicked over his uniform before settling on his face.  “You aren’t a doctor,” she stated matter-of-factly before returning to her coloring.

“That’s right.  How did you know?”

She looked at him like he was dumb, “Cuz you don’t have the wingy thing on your uniform.”

“You’re very smart.”

“Yes, I am.”

“And so modest.”  He gave her a big smile, “I like you.”

“Hm,” she sounded completely unimpressed.  “I should hope so.  Since you’re my step-daddy.”

That took Jim completely aback.  Damn.  From the mouths of babes.  He had completely forgotten that.  Or more accurately, had decided not to deal with it until it became relevant.  Like it just did.

“Yeah.  I guess I am.”  He looked her over closely, “Are you ok with that?”

“Do you yell at my daddy a lot?”

“No.”  He thought a moment then amended, “Well, sometimes, but sometimes he deserves it.  Mostly, though, he yells at me.”  Jo’s face clouded up at that.  “But I kinda deserve it too, but don’t tell him that.”

The idea that the two of them now shared a secret seemed to delight her and she broke out in a beautiful, miniature version of Bones’ smile, “Then I guess you’ll be ok.”

“Gee, thanks.”

+

Len’s heart swelled at the sight of Jim making an effort to get to know Jo.  He watched as Jim turned the charm on his daughter and forced down an uncomfortable premonition of her fourteen years from now.  Instead, he turned his attention to his mother who had also been watching Jim and Jo interact.

“He seems very interested in her wellbeing.”

“He is.  He’s a good man, Mama, and I would like you to get to know him, but I won’t bring him around unless you agree to be civil.”

Eleanora looked indignant.  “Of course I can be civil, I’m the one that raised you to have manners young man, you needn’t worry about that.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“I would like the chance to get to know him, especially since he’s going to be a big part of Joanna’s life.”  She shifted slightly before she continued, giving away the fact that she was aware of the awkwardness of the conversation.  “I would also like the chance to maybe get reacquainted with you as well.”

“I’d like that, too.”  He smiled at her.  He knew she was making a genuine effort and he was willing to meet her half-way.

“Good.  Then why don’t you boys come to the house tomorrow and I’ll make sure Joanna’s there, too.  You can come by for lunch and that will give you some more time to spend with Jo.”

“I think that can be arranged.”  Len looked up to see Jim watching him curiously, a crayon in his hand.  He couldn’t help the smile that brought to his lips.  Jim smiled back and it was a pretty picture, his two kids coloring together. 

They spent a few more minutes chatting before Len kissed Joanna and his mother goodbye and he and Jim returned to the hotel.

 

oOo

While they changed out of their uniforms, Len finally surfaced from his thoughts.  “I can’t think you enough, Jim.  Really.  Thank you.”

Jim shrugged off the thanks, “Nah, I’m just happy you’re happy.”

Len got quiet again, he couldn’t help but focus on what he needed to do between now and the date they had set for him to assume custody of Joanna.  He needed to make plans, needed to find a place to live….  That thought caught him up short.  Where were they going to live?  He looked at Jim who just gave him a watery half smile, like he was thinking along the same lines.  What was going to happen now?

“Jim.”

“Yeah, I know.  Big changes, huh?” He tried to brush it off with his usual cocky attitude, but it was falling short.

“Jim, I’m sorry.  I know you have plans for after graduation…”

“Yeah.  No.  No worries.  We’ll figure something out.”  But he didn’t sound as confident as he usually did.

 

The rest of the afternoon was stilted and awkward with both men lost to their own thoughts.  As the day wore on Jim found himself rehashing the hearing.  His usual post performance review where he dissected and analyzed his strengths and weaknesses.  He was happy for Bones, he really was, but he was a little sad for himself.  It had been a solid win, but he was afraid it had come at a cost.  He’d avoided bringing up the revelation about Clay because he didn’t want to ruin Bones’ happy mood, but the longer he thought on it, the angrier he got.  He couldn’t ignore the fact that Bones had basically lied to him.  He thought he had known the man pretty well and then he finds out that maybe he didn’t know him that well at all.  _Bones knew his_ _secrets_.  And he’d thought he’d known Bones’.

The longer he stewed, the more Jim’s insecurities rose to the surface and began to crawl under his skin.  He was anxious and irritable and spoiling for a fight.  He was ready to have this out.

+

Len was aware that Jim was busy processing the events of the day.  The kid was like this after he failed the Kobayashi Maru.  It didn’t bode well and he was left waiting for the inevitable confrontation.

Jim entered the living room where Len was busy making lists on his PADD.  He stood in front of him, his hands on his hips and waited until he looked up.  “You said you weren’t into men.”

Len sighed, “No, I didn’t.” Jim watched as he got up and headed to the kitchenette and poured himself a drink. 

“Yes, you did,” Jim fired back.

Len swirled the drink and took a sip his eyes never leaving Jim’s over the rim.  He swallowed and looked down in his glass before answering, “No, I didn’t.  I don’t think I ever actually answered your question.”  He was well aware that he had taken a page from Jim Kirk’s book on avoiding uncomfortable subjects and he had deflected and redirected whenever Jim had honed in on this topic.  He was actually surprised that it had worked for so long.

“Are you fucking kidding me here?” Jim’s voice rose in volume.  “We’ve been friends for two years and you never let on you were bi.”

“What do you think fuckin’ you was, Jim?” Len’s own anger came to the surface along with his accent.

“According to you it was a mistake.”

“It was a mistake, but not for the reasons you seem to think.”

“Then what the fuck was it?  Because all this time I was thinking it was me.”  Len saw the flash of hurt that Jim was quick to hide.

“What?  You really want me to give you the ‘it’s not you it’s me speech.  Why, Jim?  Why does it even matter?  It wasn’t ever gonna to be anything more than a one night stand for you.  Jim Kirk doesn’t believe in love, doesn’t do repeats, doesn’t do commitment.”  Len repeated things Jim himself had said on more than one occasion. 

“I never should have let it happen because I knew better and it’s never going to happen again.”

“You know what?  You’re right, it doesn’t matter.  We should just focus on why we’re here.  Hell, you’re probably going to resign and leave the academy anyways.”

“Jim.”  But Jim was already moving.  “Jim, don’t…”

The door slammed behind him.

Damn.

He threw his glass at the closed door and watched it shatter, splashing bourbon across the surface.  Len ran his hands through his hair and pulled at the long strands in frustration before rubbing vigorously at his face.  His attention was drawn to the smooth metal of the ring on his finger. 

What the fuck had he done? 

+

Jim heard the glass shatter, but kept walking.  He needed air and he needed to think.

God this was a mess.  He’d thought all of this was behind them, that they had managed to move past it, but it just kept coming up.  It was still an issue that could jeopardize their friendship even a year later.

Hell, he hadn’t planned on fucking Bones.  Jim hadn’t needed another sexual relationship, he could have sex anytime, what he’d needed was a friend.  He’d decided early on that Bones was off limits, and that had been fine with him.  His tastes went more to the feminine sex anyways, men were just an interesting side note, fun to flirt with, maybe get off with, but not what he was really looking for.  But Bones was different.  Jim wanted him around.  All the time.  He found himself thinking about that night way too often.  He hadn’t planned it, but he wasn’t sorry it had happened, but Bones was.   

What upset Jim the most, was finding out that Bones had lied to him.  Jim had more secrets than most and he valued his privacy, but he didn’t lie.  He’d always thought Bones was brutally honest.  It was one of the things that had attracted him to him in the first place.  Too many people had lied to him in the past, but as far as he had known, Bones never had.  And now he’d found out that Bones had essentially misrepresented himself.  And not about something small, about something as basic as who he was. 

Fuck. 

The worst part was that If Bones was bi and his extreme reaction wasn’t about Jim being a man, then it wasn’t that Bones wasn’t interested in men, it was that he wasn’t interested in Jim.

God, this week was spinning out of control.  He just needed to refocus on the goal.  Get custody of Joanna and get back to the academy.  Then they could go their separate ways if that’s what Bones wanted. 

Double Fuck.

+

Len knew he just needed to give Jim time to cool off, so he went about cleaning up the mess he’d made and getting ready for bed.  He knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep, so he settled in with his PADD and started reviewing some of his new medical journals, but his thoughts kept wandering back to Jim.

He hadn’t intentionally set out to mislead Jim.  After his divorce he’d been essentially asexual, he’d basically had no sex drive.  It wasn’t just Jim, he wasn’t interested in anyone.  But his sex life, or lack of, was private.  He didn’t go around over sharing like some people he knew.  And, fuck him, Jim had never asked.  Not in so many words.  So, he had no fucking right to be pissed!  Except that Len knew that Jim didn’t give his trust easily.  It had taken him time to earn it and he would never have done anything to intentionally hurt him.  Len knew how it felt to be betrayed by the two most important people in his life and he had never meant to make Jim feel that way. 

That night Len had been at a low point and drunk, and Jim had been beautiful and too close.  A _bad_ combination, the perfect storm, and Len’s jealousy and hurt had fueled his anger.  Life had fucked him over, so he was going to take what he wanted for once.  He’d always figured Jim would be a hell of a lay, but he’d decided it wasn’t worth losing their budding friendship over.  Not when he knew Jim wasn’t able to return his feelings.  But that night, he didn’t think about any of that, didn’t think about the consequences.  He had allowed his base desires to override his common sense.  He had fucked up.

There was just something about being with Jim.  He was so vital, so larger than life, that when Len was with him, he felt alive again.  Jim was the optimistic balance to his pessimistic nature.  After so long of feeling like he was barely existing, Jim made life interesting again, but he had never planned on having any type of sexual relationship with him.  Jim was in a different bed each night and made sure that everyone knew it.  Jim didn’t do monogamy and Len wouldn’t risk his heart again, so he’d put it out of mind.  Or tried to.

But once again Fate was fucking with Leonard McCoy and he found himself married to his best friend who he knew loved him like a brother, but who he also knew would be right back into whatever warm bed offered him a promise of pleasure as soon as they returned to the academy.  Hell, it would serve him right if Jim was out fucking some woman right now. 

And tomorrow they needed to go to his mother’s house and pretend they were happily married newlyweds.  Fate had out done itself this time. 

Fuck.

 

 

Leonard stayed awake as long as he could, hoping to talk to Jim when he got back, but the physical and emotional exhaustion of the day caught up with him.  When Jim came through the door several hours later he found Len asleep with his PADD on his stomach. 

Jim tiptoed to the bed and lightly picked up the PADD.  He turned off the medical journal Len had been reading and placed it on the nightstand then ordered the lights off.

That night Jim slept on the sofa again and Len slept alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this posting is a couple of days late. I wasn't happy with it and I think it is much better for having a couple of extra days of tweaking. Thank you for all of your wonderful comments and for taking the time to read. Thank you especially to Xaif for her kind comments on my POV. I too think it's important to know what's going on in our boy's heads. So here is the latest chapter, I hope you enjoy!


	6. Chapter Six

Jim tossed and turned on the uncomfortably narrow sofa, his back protesting each new position after a few minutes.  He sat up and scrubbed his hands through his short blond hair, leaving it sticking out in every direction.  It was no use.  He wasn’t going to get any sleep tonight and it wasn’t due to the uncomfortable sofa.  Even if he could have found a comfortable position, his mind refused to stop its racing.   

He had been restless and anxious, but he probably shouldn’t have walked away from Bones.  He was just afraid that if he’d stayed he would have laid the bastard out.  Jim still had the crescent shaped marks in his palms from clenching his fists so tightly.  If he had stayed, he knew he would have taken a swing. 

Part of him wondered what Bones would have done if he had.  Jim knew the doctor was in good shape and able to handle himself in a fight, he had seen that first hand in combat class.  They were well matched in height, but Bones was broader and had more than a few pounds on him.  He had wondered on more than one occasion who might come out on top, so to speak, in an all out, no holds barred fight between the two of them. 

Sure they had sparred in hand-to-hand, but that didn’t count, Bones was always pulling his punches no matter how much Jim pushed him to put his weight into it.  Of course there was also the constant, “Dammit, Jim! I’m a Doctor, not a fighter.  I’m supposed to fix people, not break ‘em!” 

Just once he would like to really see what Bones could do, because just from the few glimpses he’d had of an angry Bones, it looked to be impressive. 

And why did that thought get him just a little hot? 

He had seen Bones butt in and break up a fight before.  It hadn’t taken much to bust it up, but Jim found himself enjoying the view.  Very rarely did he get to see Bones getting physical in any unrestrained kind of way.  He always had himself under tight control.  What would it be like to really get him to lose control?  Jim shuddered at the thought.

A flash of Bones slamming him up against the wall and pinning him there with his weight came unbidden to mind and Jim had to shift his position to accommodate his sudden arousal.  Where the fuck had that come from?  He tried to get a handle on the memory (or dream?) but it was gone just as suddenly.

Jim had been very drunk that night.  He remembered most of his encounter with Bones, but what was still fuzzy was what had led up to it.  There were vital bits of information missing from his recollection of events and, fuck, he couldn’t exactly ask Bones, could he?  It would just go even further to proving his point that Jim hadn’t been able to consent.  Regardless of the fact that if he could have, he would have, Bones’ wasn’t buying it.  So, Jim thought it was better to just not mention the missing parts of the night.  Besides, he remembered the most important parts.  He just really, really wished he had the full memory.

It probably wouldn’t be ethical to ask that Vulcan, Spock, to help him retrieve what he’d lost.  Bones would kill him if he ever found out he had let anyone have access to that memory, hell he’d almost killed him when he’d just hinted at it around Uhura. 

Well, the little flashes of insight kept life exciting.  Maybe if he stitched them all together he’d eventually have the whole picture.  Each new fragment just gave him more ammunition for his fantasies.  As if he needed any more.

He couldn’t’ help that his hand had gone to his cock and he gave himself a comforting stroke.  Jim startled guiltily when he heard a noise from the bedroom.  He felt like a child getting caught with his hand in the cookie jar and quickly straightened the blanket over his lap as the door to the bedroom opened and Bones walked out looking like he hadn’t slept much tonight either. 

He was sleep mussed and when he spoke his voice was raspy from alcohol and the late hour, “Jim.  I didn’t hear you come in.”

Jim just nodded and looked down at his hands.  “I’m glad you’re back.” 

Jim looked up at Bones through his lashes.  “Really?  I wasn’t so sure you would be.” 

Bones sighed deeply, “Yeah, you idiot, I’m glad you’re back.”  He shoved Jim over and took a seat next to him on the sofa, he settled next to Jim so that they were pressed together from shoulder to thigh.  The silence was heavy.

Jim tried to break the tension, he bumped shoulders with Bones, “Are you happy Bones, now that you can be with, Jo?”

“Yeah, I am, or I should be….”  Jim looked at him curiously.  “As important as Jo is to me, you’re important too.”  He gave Jim a side glance, “I hope you know that.”

Jim just shrugged, but refused to meet his eyes.

“I had some time to think tonight too, and … I’m sorry about what I said.” 

Jim looked closely at him, then shook his head.  “You’re, sorry you said it, but you meant it.”  Jim braced himself from what he thought was coming next.

“Maybe, some of it,” He grudgingly agreed, “but not all of it.”

Jim sat still.  His lips pressed into a thin line.

Bones huffed a breath.  “Hell, it can’t be a surprise to you after all this time that I’m kinda fucked up,” he bit out.   Bones shifted his weight like he was about to get up, get up and walk away again, and without thinking Jim reached out and grabbed hold of his shirt.  Bones looked down at the hand twisted in the fabric and settled back slowly, almost against his will.

“Talk to me, Bones,” Jim whispered.

+

“God, Jim, I hate talking about my feelings, almost as much as you do.  I _hate_ this shit!”

“Please.”

Len took a deep breath and tried to get his thoughts in order.  He shook his head at the irony, “One of the biggest issues in my marriage was my lack of communication according to Joce.”    He saw Jim revert a little further into his shell at the mention of her name.  Len reached up to touch the gold and platinum band on the hand Jim still had gripped in his shirt.  “Guess, I shouldn’t start out another marriage the same way, huh?”  Len gave him a half smile.

Jim let go of Len’s shirt and returned his hand to his lap where he worried at the ring.

“I’ve failed rather spectacularly at the only serious relationships I’ve ever had, Jim.  I guess my defense mechanism has been avoidance, with an unhealthy dose of repression thrown in for good measure.”

“Hey, look at you, using that PhD in psych.”

“Yeah, well, one thing I _did_ learn was that the hardest flaws to see are your own, because that would mean that you need to admit that you fucked up and then you have to take responsibility for what you’ve done and who you’ve hurt in the process.”

Len watched Jim watch the ring he was still twisting on his finger.  Len’s fingers twitched at the telling nervous gesture and he reached out and covered Jim’s hand with his own.  Jim looked up at him and Len met his worried blue eyes with as open an expression as he could, trying to imbue it with all of the emotion he was feeling.  “I fucked up, Jim.  And I’m sorry if I hurt you.  I never meant to hurt you.  I was too busy covering my own ass that I couldn’t see that I wasn’t being honest with you.”

He watched as Jim took that in, his eyes looking from one of Len’s eyes to the other, looking for the sincerity he hoped was apparent.  Jim face cycled from wary to acceptance, but didn’t lose the small sad disbelieving tightness at the corners of his eyes and mouth. 

Len knew it was going to take time to earn back the trust.

“I really wasn’t trying to hide anything from you.  I just…, after everything in my life went to shit, I just decided I was so done with it.  With all of it, ya know?  When I got to the academy my only plan was to keep my head down, do my work and keep to myself.  I had no intention of socializing with anyone, and then you showed up.”  He shook his head in exasperation, “You’re one annoying, persistent bastard, you know that, right?”

“It’s one of my most endearing qualities,” Jim responded with deadly seriousness.

“What I want to know, Jim, is why the _fuck_ you even bothered?  I’m a grumpy asshole most of the time, but you just kept coming back around.”

Jim turned his hand palm up and threaded his fingers through the fingers of the hand Len still had over his.  “Yeah, well, that’s one of your most endearing qualities.”

Len snorted at that.

“Seriously, Jim.  If I was lying to anyone, it was to myself.  I really like to keep my sex life, or lack of, to myself.  It’s something private between me and whoever I’m with.  But, I will tell you, that there hasn’t been anyone … else, since Joce.  I’m just not ready for any kind of relationship right now.  I still feel like my life is spiraling out of control, even more so now, and I just can’t handle anything else.   That’s why my letting myself do what we did, was a mistake.”

“Was it really that bad?” Jim asked quietly and Len heard all of the insecurity he tried so hard to hide, just below the surface.

“No.  It really wasn’t.”  Len sighed and squeezed Jim’s hand before releasing it, “And that’s part of the problem.”

“It doesn’t have to be a problem.”  Jim prompted looking a little lost. 

“But it is.  And as much as I enjoyed it,” Len looked deeply into those deep blue eyes, “and damn, Jimmy, I did enjoy it.”  Len shook his head, “I can’t let it happen again.  I shouldn’t have let it happen in the first place.”

“Because I’m a fuck up,” Jim bit out, his insecurity shifting into full panic.

“What?  No!”  He grabbed Jim’s hand again and squeezed hard forcing Jim to squeeze back or risk having his fingers crushed.  “Hell, we’re both fuck ups, Jim, it’s the basis of our friendship.  A friendship that’s more important to me than a casual fuck.”

They sat for a moment, Len listening to Jim’s ragged breaths.  He needed to make him understand.  “Come on, we’re being honest here, right?  You’re the first to admit that you aren’t interested in anything serious.”  He took in Jim’s stormy expression.  “Am I wrong?” 

“No.  You’re not wrong.”  Jim grudgingly admitted, “But, you make it sound like I’m not capable of anything more.” 

“At your age Jim, you _should_ sow your wild oats.  But at my age, that’s not what it’s about anymore.  We both know that when you get back to campus, your life is going to go back to normal.  You’ll go back to your classes and friends and extracurricular pursuits.”  He smiled a little sadly.

That seemed to prompt Jim to focus on what was going to happen now.

“What are _you_ going to do Bones?”

“I haven’t exactly decided, but it looks like my plans are going to have to change.  I kinda hoped that after graduation we might get assigned to the same duty station, but with Jo….  Well, I guess I’ll be staying planet side for now.”

Jim looked unhappy. 

“Just promise me you’ll stop in and say howdy whenever you’re in space dock.” 

“You can’t get rid of me that easily old man.”

Len smiled, gave Jim’s hand one final squeeze and released it, “Don’t I know it, kid.”

+

Bones settled back against the back of the sofa and ran an absent hand through his hair, further unsettling his bangs and they flopped down over his forehead.  Jim resisted the urge to reach out and brush them back, much like he had seen Bones do for Joanna the day before. 

“It’s frustrating.  I just don’t know for sure how this is going to work out yet.  What I need to do is sit down with Jocelyn and hope that we can discuss this civilly.” 

Jim nodded absently.  This afternoon they were going to be at Bones’ family home and Jocelyn and Clay would most likely be there too.  He picked at the threads of the blanket still covering his legs.

“Hey Bones, since you’re being so forthcoming and all for once, can I ask you a question?” 

He looked at Jim warily, “Well, you can _ask_.”

“See, there you go again trying to put me off,” Jim snapped back peevishly.

“I’m sorry, Jim.  I guess I use humor to deflect things I’m uncomfortable with.”

“You _are_ the King of the sarcastic come back,” he agreed.  “But, what I need right now is the truth.  Because if _I’m_ being honest with _you_ , what hurts the most is that you didn’t trust me enough to talk about any of this sooner.”

“I guess I owe you, huh?  Well, go ahead, kid, do your worst.”  He was sure Bones knew where this was going, but he decided to ask anyway, because he found he really needed to hear the answer.

“What exactly is your sexual orientation?  Are you bisexual?” 

“Damn, kid.  You go right for the jugular, don’t you?  They teach you that in hand-to-hand?”

Jim refused to rise to the bait and just sat staring at Bones.

+

Len sighed heavily once again and cast about for the right words to try to explain to Jim how he felt about himself at his most basic level, at his core, without pushing him further away. 

“Look Jim, I don’t really like to define myself as bi because there are so many different factors.  I’ve had relationships with both men and women.  Do I prefer one more than the other?  I don’t know, everyone is different.  I guess I’m drawn more to the person, rather than what type of genitalia they have.”  He chanced a quick glance at Jim,” Both have their merits.”  Jim smirked at that. 

“I just get uncomfortable with labeling myself.  When I was with Joce, she was all that existed.  I didn’t look at anyone else, man or woman.  When I was with Clay,” He paused.  “Well, that was at a point when I was trying to figure all this out.  It was messy.”  He looked back at Jim.  “So, to answer your question, and I’m not trying to be evasive, I’ve been attracted to both men and women, but it depends on the person.”  He shrugged, “I really have to be interested in someone to invest the time and energy a relationship deserves, otherwise it just isn’t worth it.  I don’t find casual sex to be very fulfilling.  Yeah, you get off, but there’s no emotion, no intimacy.”

He looked back at Jim who wasn’t looking at him.  He could see the wheels spinning in that big brain of his and knew where his train of thought would inevitably lead. 

“But it wasn’t like that with you, Jim.  As you said before, we _have_ a relationship.  You’re my best friend.  Maybe what we shared wasn’t exactly what I would call romantic, but it was intimate, and I’m not sorry about that.  I just wish I hadn’t pushed you when you really weren’t in any position to give informed consent.”  Len rushed to head off Jim’s protest, “I know you said afterwards that you would have given consent, but that doesn’t make what I did right.” 

Len looked down at his own hands, “I took advantage of you, Jim, when I was in a bad place, when I just needed someone.  And that was wrong.”

After a moment, Jim placed a hand on Len’s knee.  “If you needed someone Bones, then I’m glad it was me and not some stranger.”

What Len wasn’t willing to say out loud, and what he hoped Jim already understood, was that it never would have happened with a stranger. 

After another quiet moment, Len declared brusquely, “Well, enough of that,” essentially closing the conversation. 

He looked over at Jim who was looking at his hands once again.  “We good?”  He asked, the same way Jim had asked all those months ago.

Jim looked up and gave him a half smile, “Yeah, we’re good.”

“Good.”  Len stood and headed back to the bedroom, at the door he turned back to Jim, “Well, you comin’?”

“Sure you don’t mind?” Len didn’t miss the hopeful look on Jim’s face before he schooled it.

“Well, I can’t have you walkin’ all stooped over at my mama’s this afternoon, she’ll be wondering what we’ve been up to.”  Jim blushed a pretty shade of pink.  Len quirked an eyebrow, “Although, knowing her, she would probably just write it off to us being on our honeymoon.” 

 

“Honeymoon?”

“You bet, sugar, we’re officially on our honeymoon.  Guess we’re going to have to get used to it.”

Len chuckled as Jim gathered up his blanket and pillow and padded after him.  He probably shouldn’t tease Jim, but he couldn’t help it, it just felt good to be able to joke with him again. He wasn’t deluded enough to think that he had earned back the trust he had lost, but it was a start.

 

oOo

The drive to the McCoy homestead the next day was a quiet one, with both men lost in thought.  Jim watched the scenery rolling by, his bouncing knee giving away his apprehension.  Len could feel how jittery Jim was and it only served to ratchet up his own nervousness as the car wended its way through the countryside.  They were about an hour outside of Atlanta when Len finally turned the car onto a lane that led to a large white farmhouse with a wrap-around porch.  The house was surrounded on all sides by rolling fields and dense woodland.  Behind the house was a large red barn, surrounded by a fenced paddock. 

As they got closer to the house they found cars parked along both sides of the narrow lane.

“Oh, Lord,” Len groaned.

“What’s going on Bones?”

“Mama,” he ground out under his breath, “Looks like she invited half the county.”

Jim looked over at him curiously, “This is the same woman you said disowned you?”

He shrugged, “I guess she changed her mind.  Or maybe she wanted a buffer zone to avoid talking to me.”

“Don’t you think you should give her the benefit of the doubt?  Maybe she really is interested in making amends.”

Len grunted noncommittally as he maneuvered the hover car as close to the house as he could and parked.  He and Jim climbed from the car and headed toward the back yard where people seemed to be gathering.  He considered going through the house and avoiding the waiting crowd, but knowing his mother and the garden parties she threw, he was sure there would be just as many people inside as out.  At least out here he wouldn’t feel as trapped or claustrophobic. 

This was not turning out the way he had envisioned.  He had thought that he and Jim would have a quiet afternoon where he could talk to his mother and maybe get a few things straightened out.  He hadn’t seen, or spoken to her since she had basically thrown him out of this house and told him that he was no longer welcome here in the home where he had grown up.  Now he finds that she seemed to be throwing him a party and he didn’t even know if they were on speaking terms.  Len’s anxiety level and blood pressure were increasing with every step and he was most definitely not in the mood to socialize with anyone until he’s had a chance to speak with his mother.

+

Jim was worried by how quiet and sullen Bones had gotten on the drive over.  He wasn’t sure what he could do to help alleviate Bones’ anxiety, except stay close and let him know that he wasn’t in this alone. 

Jim looked around the yard at the groupings of tables and chairs arranged around several buffet tables which were laden with all manner of dishes, from hors d’oeuvres to desserts.  “It looks like your mother is preparing for the return of the prodigal son, right down to sacrificing the proverbial fatted calf.”  There was even a large decorated cake holding pride of place on a table at the center. 

Bones did a double take at the icing on the cake which spelled out, Congratulations Leo and Jim, and was decorated with flowers and bells. 

“It’s a wedding reception, Jim,” Bones hissed.

He looked to Bones who looked as confused as he was, then he saw Eleanora approaching, and gave her his brightest smile, the one reserved for professors and admirals that Jim was looking to impress.  In a low voice he prompted Bones with a side comment, “Smile, honey, we’re on.”

Bones moved a little closer to Jim, unconsciously seeking the younger man’s support, and Jim responded by wrapping a steady arm around his waist.  This close to Bones he was aware of the fine tremors which betrayed his nervousness.  He held him tighter to his side in an effort to reassure him that he wasn’t alone.  They watched as the older woman stopped in front of them, her gaze focused solely on Bones.

+

“Leo, I’m glad you came.”  She welcomed, her words sounding a little stilted.

Len stepped away from Jim and hugged his mother and was relieved when she wrapped him in her arms.  He hadn’t been sure he would ever get to feel this again and he took comfort in her familiar feel and the scent of the verbena soap she loved.  He felt like a little boy again as she held him like she had done when she had soothed his hurts, and he couldn’t help the tears that welled in his eyes.  He brushed them away before breaking the embrace, because he was a grown ass man and he would be damned if he was going to cry.

Len cleared his throat and put his arm around Jim drawing him forward, “Mama, this is Jim, Jim Kirk.”

Jim extended a hand to shake and was startled when Eleanora wrapped him up in a hug, “None of that now, come here, boy.  You’re family now.”  Len chuckled at the look on Jim’s face at finding himself in an unexpected three way embrace. 

+

Eleanora held him at arm’s length and gave him a thorough once over which reminded Jim of all the times Bones had inspected him looking for injuries, he’d thought it was a doctor thing, but it looked like it was a McCoy thing.  She looked around the yard at all of the curious faces turned in their direction and said, “Maybe we should all go inside where we can talk.”  Len nodded and Jim took his hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze as they followed Eleanora inside.

Once they were closed in the study where they could have some privacy, Eleanora continued, “I wasn’t so sure you would come, Leo, and I wouldn’t have blamed you after how I’ve behaved.”

Len was seated on a sofa next to Jim and across from his mother.  He started to speak, but his mother waved him off.

“Now you just let me say my piece.  I’ve had a long time to think about what I want to say to you and I want to get it all out before I start blubbering.”

Len just nodded and waited while his mother tried to get her thoughts in order. 

She gave a short sigh and squared her shoulders and looked into his eyes.  “I’m sorry Leo.”

She wiped at the tears in her eyes and Len reached out to take her hand in his.  She sat looking at their hands for a moment before continuing, “I was grieving, but there’s no excuse for how I acted.  I know it was twice as hard on you, not only losing your father, but having to deal with the responsibility of what he asked of you.  I know you and I know you blamed yourself, but it was no one’s fault. 

“Your father was proud of you, Leo.  He never wanted to put you in that situation, but it was all he could think to do in a truly bad circumstance.  He told me he was going to ask you to help him and I begged him not to put you in that position.  I know how you take things too much to heart.  It was my fault.  If I hadn’t been so weak, if I had had the strength do it, I could have spared you.  Can you forgive me?”

“I already have, Mama.  I don’t blame you, I never have.  I would never have expected you to do something that was my job.” 

“Why was it your job, Leo, because you’re a doctor?  It should never be a son’s job to help his father to die. I’m sorry we put you in that position.  You’re a good son, and I hope you’ll forgive me for letting you down.”

“I never blamed you, mama and I think it’s high time that we both accept that all of this was just something that was beyond our control.  I never needed to forgive you.  I love you, mama.”

Eleanora’s tears spilled over as she leaned in to kiss Len on the forehead.  “I love you, too, and I’m so happy that you’re here,” she looked to Jim, “both of you.”

Jim shifted awkwardly and Len became aware of his presence again. 

“Well, boys, I think it’s time we joined the party.”  Len groaned.  “Oh, no you don’t.  I invited the family and some of your friends.  They want to see you, to congratulate you.  So, you will go out there, young man, and slap a smile on your face and pretend to have a good time.”

Jim laughed delightedly as Eleanora scolded Bones, who looked at him in reproach, but he couldn’t help it.  It seemed that Bones’ dislike of socializing was a universal constant.

 

Bones looked around the yard at the small groups of people who had paired off and were talking amongst themselves.  He had a disgusted look on his face and Jim couldn’t help but chuckle.  “You laugh, but trust me, half of these people are only here hoping to learn some salacious gossip about disgraced Dr. Leonard McCoy.  They don’t give a damn about me.   They’re here for dinner and a show.”  He turned a pleading look on Jim, “What the hell are we gonna to do?” 

“Well, they came for a show, so we’re gonna give ‘em a show.”

+

Len was still processing those words when he felt Jim’s warm lips meet his.  It took him a moment to respond, because he was too aware of onlookers, so Jim decided to distract him.  When Jim’s tongue swept his lips demanding entrance Len parted his in shock and found himself falling into the warmth and taste of Jim.  He sighed deeply, he remembered this.  Jim had placed one hand at the nape of his neck, the other on his cheek and he directed all of Len’s attention to the nimble tongue currently exploring his mouth.  Len turned into Jim’s body and put his hands on Jim’s hips, pulling him closer and allowed himself to get lost in the sensation.  It may have only been seconds, but it seemed much longer when Len broke the kiss, gasping for breath, and rested his forehead against Jim’s. 

“ _Fuck_.”

“That might be too _much_ of a show for this crowd.”  Len couldn’t help the laugh that bubbled up at that image.  When they separated, they found more than a few heads turned away quickly in feigned indifference. 

They were both startled from their embrace by a solid weight colliding with their legs and looked down to find Joanna with her arms clasped around their knees. 

“Jojo!”

“Daddies!

Len looked up at Jim who tossed him a quick panicked look before disengaging himself from Len and Jo.  Len bent down and lifted Joanna into his arms. 

+

Jim looked around and spotted Clay watching them as Jocelyn spoke with Eleanora, so he stepped back into Bones’ side and put his arm around his waist, earning a small distracted smile from Bones as he focused on Jo’s chatter.  Jim rested his chin on Bones’ shoulder and he looked a little confused, but didn’t shrug him off.  Jim hazarded another glance in Clay’s direction and found that he looked unhappy. 

Jim hadn’t thought that Clay would be the one he was going to be making jealous this week, but that was fine by him.  He planned on making sure that both Clay and Jocelyn knew that Bones was no longer pining for either of them.  Hell, he was staking his claim.  He only hoped Bones would tolerate it.

+

Len shoved down the flare of annoyance at Jim’s possessive behavior.  He kind of liked the attention and didn’t mind Jim showing off, but he was sorry that the kid thought he had to work so hard at it.  He didn’t need to look up to know that Clay was close by because Jim was more territorial around him than he seemed to be around Jocelyn.  He didn’t know why Jim viewed either of them as a threat, especially since there wasn’t anything to threaten. 

Once Jocelyn and Clay left, Jim decided to let Len and Joanna spend some time together before they came back to pick her up.

 

While Bones spent time with Joanna, Jim wandered back into the house curious to see where Bones had grown up.  He walked down the front hallway to look at the pictures which lined the walls and continued up the stairs.  There were pictures of Bones with his parents at different ages, from just a babe in arms to his high school graduation.  There were pictures of family vacations and birthdays, school plays and concerts.  Jim reached out and ran his finger wistfully along one holo of the McCoys around a Christmas tree.  Bones must have been about 6 years old.  He was holding a small black puppy with a red ribbon around his neck and looked so happy.  Jim did the math and knew that he was looking at Bones exactly ten days before his own birth.  Ten days before his own father’s death.  Jim swallowed hard and looked back up the wall at the dozens of holos of a childhood he would never experience.  Jim’s childhood would look very different if anyone had bothered to take the holos or frame them and hang them on the wall. 

He wandered into the living room next and stopped at the fireplace to look at the holos displayed along the mantle.  These holos were more recent.  They started with Bones’ graduation from med school and ended with a picture of Bones with his father, David at what must have been, judging by how frail he looked, shortly before his death.   

But it was the holos of Bones with Jocelyn that really caught his attention.  Jim had never seen Bones in a relationship before and he had never seen him looking so genuinely happy.  There was one wedding holo of Bones in a tuxedo and Jocelyn in her wedding gown clutching a bouquet of white calla lilies.  There was a holo of Bones with his arm around Jocelyn who was holding a newborn Joanna, but his favorite was the candid holo of Bones holding his baby daughter, he had such a look of awe and devotion on his face.  Jim studied his expression.  He had never seen that expression turned upon himself and he wondered, if he had lived, would his father have looked at him that way? 

Jim was feeling a confusing mixture of jealousy and regret for all the things Bones had experienced that Jim never would.  That and the fact that Bones had had a whole life before they met that Jim hadn’t been a part of.  He had had a whole life before he met Jim, a whole grown up responsible life. 

Jim had never really thought about just how much Bones had lost before he had shown up on that shuttle.  Yeah, he had said the wife had taken the whole planet in the divorce, but he hadn’t realized that meant that she’d really taken everything he’d had.  It made him even more pleased that he’d been able to help Bones get back something that was so important to him, to help him get Joanna back in his life. 

 

As Jim made his way back through the house he ran into Eleanora in the kitchen. She was busy arranging slices of cheese and crackers on a large platter.

“Would you like some help with that?”

“Oh, Jim.  Why aren’t you out with Leo?”

“I thought I’d give him some time alone with Joanna.”

“Well I’m sure he appreciates it.  Here, why don’t you do this while I finish mixing up this batch of chicken salad?”

Jim took over arranging the platter with Eleanora overseeing the operation. 

“So, Jim, does your family know about you and Leo?”

“Um,” Jim tried to figure out how to answer the question without raising any suspicions or more questions than he was willing to answer.  “No ma’am.”  He figured sticking as close to the truth as possible was best.  “I’m not very close with my family.”  He wasn’t sure how much she knew about his past.

Eleanora tsked, “That’s a shame.  I’m sure your mother would want to know about such a big milestone in your life.” 

He knew he was she was sounding him out so he chose his words carefully.  “She spends most of her time off planet.  We only communicate through deep space relays which are sporadic at best.  The last time we spoke was probably about six months ago.  She knows about Bones, but everything happened too fast to tell her beforehand.”

Eleanora was quiet while she contemplated what he had said.  Jim was starting to feel a little guilty and he thought she was probably regretting that she hadn’t know about the marriage beforehand either and he felt the need to apologize, but she brushed his apology aside.

“I’m just glad that Leo found someone that cares about him and makes him happy again.”

Jim knew Eleanora had seen Bones newly married before and he hoped that she wouldn’t suspect that this relationship was something less, something different. 

When Jim kept working and didn’t respond, Eleanora continued, “Don’t you let Leo fool you, Jim, I can see the way he looks at you.  Whether my son realizes it or not, he cares about you.”

Jim was startled by that insight. 

She offered him a warm smile, “Don’t look so surprised.  I know you boys rushed into this for Joanna’s sake, but it just proves to me how much you care for him that you would do this for him.”

And he couldn’t deny that, so he didn’t bother trying.

 

Jim and Len spent the rest of the afternoon mingling with McCoy family members and Len’s friends. As they moved through the yard, Jim was very aware that their every move was being observed.  When they were close to the stables, Jim grabbed Len by the arm and diverted him into an open door way to their left.  Len stumbled and Jim caught him, pushing him up against the wall.

“What the he…”

Jim cut him off by kissing him

“ _Jim_.”  Len tried to push him back, but Jim pressed him more firmly against the wall.

When Jim let him up for air he managed to pant out, “What are we doing Jim?”

“It’s funny.  Your mother was telling me how when you and Jocelyn got married you couldn’t keep your hands off of each other for 10 minutes at a time.”

“Yeah, so?”

“Well, it’s been 37 minutes since our last public display of affection, Bones.”

“Oh, for God’s sake, Jim!  This isn’t a strategic maneuver in Tactical 101, or the Maru.”

Jim surged forward pressing their bodies together from chest to knee and taking stock of the doctor’s situation.

“Damn right it’s not the Maru, because I intend on winning this one.”

Jim pushed off of Len’s chest and turned and walked out of the room.

“Competitive bastard,” Len muttered.  His head thumping back against the wall as he tried to catch his breath and get himself back under control.  He wondered if Jim had been as affected as he had. 

With the knowledge that everything would return to life as usual when they returned to the Academy, Len knew that this week was allowed to be _un_ usual.  He had allowed himself to indulge, against his better judgment, in thoughts and feelings.  He just hoped it didn’t come back to bite him in the ass.

Len followed him out of the doorway a minute later and was uncomfortably aware of all of the amused looks being sent in his direction.  He scowled as he saw Jim talking to his mother and self-consciously straightened his clothing, making sure everything was presentable.

He wondered darkly what else Jim and his mother had been talking about.

 

Eleanora smiled knowingly as Jim reached up to straightened Len’s hair and he ducked his head away in annoyance.

“I remember how you and Joce would disappear together and come back all rumpled looking.” 

“Mama!”

“Oh, Leo, sex is natural, don’t be such a prude.” 

“Yeah, Leo.”  Jim laughed at the scowl that nickname earned while Len tried to ignore the twitch his cock made at the sound of that name on Jim’s lips.

 

“Daddy Jim!”  Jim looked up to see Joanna waving at him.  He glanced at Bones who only gave him an amused smile of encouragement and went on listening to the story Eleanora was telling him. 

Jim still felt awkward when Joanna called him that, but he and Bones had decided that, since Clay was Papa, and Bones was Daddy, that Jim should be Daddy Jim.  If you had told him even a week ago, that he would be married to his best friend and his stepdaughter, fuck, would be calling him Daddy Jim, he would have laughed in your face.  He still couldn’t figure out how this was his life, but it was, so he went over to see what Joanna wanted to show him, leaving Bones and his mother to talk.

 

Len was aware that Eleanora was watching him as his eyes followed Jim’s retreating form and he braced himself for the inevitable comment.

“That boy really cares about you.”

“Mama, I really don’t want to talk about it.”

“Don’t let your stubbornness make you blind to what’s right in front of you, Leo.  You need to forgive yourself for the past and move on.  You need to allow yourself to be happy again.”

“It’s not that easy, Mama,” Len said quietly.

“It never is.  Nothing good is easy, you know that better than anyone else, Leo.”

He sighed in resignation, “We’re just friends.”

“Well, you have to be friends first.  Lasting relationships are built on friendship.”  With that pronouncement Eleanora turned and walked away, leaving Len to ruminate on her words while he watched Jim pushing Joanna on the swings.

 

Len’s time with Joanna had seemed way too short as he gathered her things and stood waiting on the front porch for Jocelyn to pick her up.  When they arrived, he was surprised that Jocelyn asked if they could go into the house and talk, so Len led Jocelyn and Clay into the living room.  When they had settled in Jocelyn looked around in surprise.

“Where’s Jim?  I think he should be here for this, don’t you?  This affects him too.”

“Yeah, you’re right.  Hang on, I’ll get him.”

Len went in search of Jim and found Jim talking with one of his cousins by the stables, sharing stories.  He placed a hand on his elbow gently interrupting.  “I’m sorry Hank, but I gotta borrow Jim for a minute.”

“Sure thing Leo.  Probably can’t stand being apart for too long,” he snickered.

Len just nodded and forced a laugh, “Funny Hank, real funny.”

Jim just looked smug as Len put his arm around him and led him back towards the house, but he stopped smiling when he noted the tension in the tight muscles of the arm around his waist and how Bones fingers were digging into this hip.  “What’s up bones?”

“Joce.  She wants to talk to us.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, oh.”

“Relax Bones.  You already have custody.”  Len looked over at Joanna playing with the kids on the swing set. 

“I know.  I guess I’m just anxious to have everything settled.”

When they got back to the living room Clay and Jocelyn were seated together on the sofa.  That left the seat next to Clay open and the arm chair next to Jocelyn.  Len sat in the armchair and Jim was just wondering if he should stand when Len reached for his hand and pulled him down onto the arm of the chair, placing his hand on the small of his back to steady him, so Jim settled with his hand on Len’s shoulder.

While they spoke Len rubbed small circles into Jim’s back.  It was very distracting.

Clay had his arm around Jocelyn and she had her hand on Clay’s thigh.  It looked like Clay was trying to lend her support.

“Leo, I was wondering when I need to have Joanna packed.”  She said sadly, while studying some point over his right shoulder. 

“Joce, I… I want you to know that I’m not trying to cut you out of Jo’s life.   That wasn’t my intention, you just got me cornered and I didn’t have a choice.  You’re a good mother, Joce.  I don’t want to take Jo away from you, but you gotta understand, I can’t live without her in my life.”

Joce looked at Len hopefully, “So, you aren’t planning on taking her with you to San Francisco?” 

Len’s hand came to rest around Jim’s waist and against his hip.

“Well, now, I didn’t say that.  I haven’t quite decided yet.  Jim and I have talked,” Len squeezed his hip, “and we’re willing to modify our plans, but I don’t know that I’m ready to drop everything and come back to Georgia.  I intend to graduate and if that means that Jo comes to San Fran, then so be it.  Unless we can come to some other agreement, I don’t see how it could work otherwise.” 

“What’s going to happen when you graduate?” 

“Well, Jim and I had planned on heading into the black.”  Jocelyn stifled a sob and Jim gave his shoulder a reassuring squeeze.  Len took encouragement from his steady presence.  “I don’t know that I want to give that up, but the only reason I would is Joanna, and Jim understands that.  But Joce, I had hoped that we could find some kind of equitable solution, where we could co-parent Jo.  That’s all I ever wanted.

“Do you think we could manage to put the past behind us and learn to work together to raise our daughter?  Because that’s what I really want.  I want Jo to grow up knowing both of her parents, knowing that they both love her.” 

Joce was nodding, she swallowed past the lump in her throat and wiped at the tears in her eyes.  “Yes, Leo, I want that too.  I promise, we’ll work with you to make this work,” she included Jim in her glance, “both of you.”

“Good, Joce, because if we can’t make it work, I’d have to take Jo with me.”

“No, we’ll make it work.  We promise,” Jocelyn pledged.

Clay spoke up, “What if we agreed to sharing custody, but kept Jo here with us.  You could see her any time you wanted, you could have her whenever you’re on planet.”

Jocelyn hurried to add, “And I’d make sure she vid-commed you weekly.” 

Len looked up at Jim who looked hopeful, but afraid to sway his decision in any way.  Jim held his breath.  “I guess we could give it a try Joce.  If it works, we could amend the custody agreement.”

“Ok.  Ok, we’ll see how it works out.”  She stood and Clay followed suit.  “Thank you, Leo.”

Len stood and gathered Jocelyn into his arms.  Jim looked down at his hands, uncertain of his place in this matter.

“I’m sorry, Leo.  I’ve been an idiot.”

“It’s ok, Joce.  I wasn’t exactly acting rationally either.  I’m sorry it had to come to this, but maybe it’s for the best if we can both get our heads out of our asses and put our daughter’s well being head of our selfishness.”

Jocelyn giggled. “Yeah, we do have a tendency to bring out the worst in each other.”

“The best too, Joce,” Len added quietly.

Jocelyn gave Len a kiss on the cheek and Jim was surprised when she came over to where he was sitting and bent to give him a hug.  “It was nice to meet you Jim.  You take good care of Leo.  He takes care of everyone else, but he’s not very good at looking after himself.”

Jim gave her a heartfelt smile, “Don’t you worry.  I’ll take care of him.”

Len shifted from one foot to the other, not sure he liked his ex-wife and his husband conspiring behind his back.  While they talked in low voices, Len turned his attention to Clay who was looking as uncomfortable as he felt.

“Clay.” Len whispered. 

“Leo, I don’t know what to say.”

“Not much to say at this point.  What’s done is done.  Let’s just leave it at that.”

Clay nodded, then tilted his head in Jim’s direction.  “He know?” 

Len looked back at Jim talking to Joce, then turned to face Clay.  “Yeah, he knows.” 

Clay just stood nodding, looking down at his feet.  “We were good together, Leo.”

Len snorted a laugh, “No.  No, we really weren’t Clay.  Stop looking at the past through rose colored glasses.  We had fun.  It was good for a while, but…”

“But Jocelyn changed that.”

“Yeah, but not just for me.  For you too.”

“Yeah.” 

It was kind of awkward talking about his ex-wife with his ex-lover who was her current husband.  Len wondered if he had secrets left between the two of them.  He looked over to Jim again.

“Do you love him?”

Len looked at Clay in surprise, but had no problem answering that question, “Yeah.  I love him.”  Just not quite the way you think.  He guessed he did still have some secrets left.

“He seems good for you.”

“He is.  He really is.”

“I’m happy for you, Leo.  I’m glad you seem to have gotten your life back together.”  Clay looked shamefaced, he knew he was one of the major reasons Len’s life had imploded. But right now, at this moment, Len couldn’t summon up the anger, because, he was a little surprised to realize, he was happy.  He looked at Jim. And he had his suspicions as to why.

He shook himself from his thoughts and reached out to shake Clay’s hand, but Clay pulled him into a one armed hug.  “Be happy, Leo.”

“You too, Clay.” 

 

After Jim and Len said goodbye to Joanna, they headed back outside to mingle with their guests.  There were plenty of well wishes and good food.  If Len was pressed he would have to say that the day had turned out a lot better than he could have hoped.  He had made amends with his mother and his family and he had negotiated a fair visitation schedule with Jocelyn.  He was even getting to enjoy some time with Jim as he listened to everyone sharing his most embarrassing stories from his childhood.

When Jim got up to get something to eat, Len headed inside to find something cold to drink.

Len threaded his way through the elderly aunts who had staked their claim to the kitchen and milled around trading the local gossip and catching up on family news and made his way to the sink.  He looked out over the yard as he poured another glass of cold lemonade.  The kids were sitting around the yard, their plates balanced on their laps while the adults sat at the tables.  He looked around and noticed Jim talking to Ed, one of the neighbors Len had grown up with, as they worked their way down the buffet table, filling their plates as they chatted.  Len took a long drink of the lemonade and closed his eyes savoring the tart, cold beverage, enjoying the cool sensation as it worked its way down his throat.  He could feel the cold burn down to his chest, just what the doctor ordered on a hot, humid summer day in Georgia. 

He glanced briefly out the window as he lifted the pitcher to top off his glass and noticed Jim raising a sausage to his mouth.  The image that induced, caused Len to turn away from the window, hyper aware of the women around him. 

Behind him the argument over who made the best food raged and he caught a few words here and there among the voices speaking over each other.  Thelma’s secret recipe…she stole that from Betty, that was her prize win….Well, you know she refuses to share her sausage recipe….Oh, don’t let her fool you…. I’ve made that before, she’s so high and mighty, her secret ingredient is fennel…She acts like butter won’t melt in her mouth….

Len’s brain narrowed in on one word, fennel.  His eyes flew to the window, to Jim who was looking a little panicky, his hand at his throat.

“Fuck!”  The glass slipped from his fingers as he bolted for the door.

“Leonard Horatio, language!” 

“Mister, you come back here and clean up that mess!”

But he didn’t apologize or stick around for the dressing down, he was already on the back porch where he took the most direct route to Jim by vaulting over the railing.  He landed lightly and sprinted across the lawn to where Jim was now sitting on the ground, his breathing restricted, his face tuning a darker shade of red.  A small crowd was gathering.  “Leo!”  Ed looked alarmed, he was flailing about unsure of out how to help Jim. 

“I got it, Ed.”  He put a reassuring hand on his shoulder as he knelt next to him, his hand flying to the medkit at his waist, his Jim specific med kit that he never left home without. 

“Jim.”  Jim’s blue eyes were bright and pleading and completely focused on Len, “I gotcha, Jim.  I gotcha.”  Jim reached out and grabbed onto Len’s shirt with the hand that wasn’t pulling at the collar of his shirt trying to loosen an already loose collar.  Len covered his hand with his own as he fished in his medkit for the epipen with his free hand.

“How many damn times I gotta tell ya, Jimmy, you gotta know what you’re puttin’ in your mouth.”  He kept his voice calm.

“What’s wrong with him?” Len looked up into his mother’s concerned eyes.

“He’s allergic to that damn sausage.  Your secret ingredient to be exact.”  He pinned Cousin Thelma with a glare and her hand flew to her mouth. 

Eleanora put an arm around her and tutted, “It’s ok, Thel, you couldn’t have known.”

“Yeah, well it’s not your fault, Thelma.  Jim should have asked before he tried anything.  He just doesn’t like to make a big deal out of it.”  He directed his gaze back to Jim, taking in the dusky color of his lips.  “Look how that worked out for you, Jim.  A little embarrassment up front, or a whole lot afterwards.”  Len shook his head as he readied the epipen and pushed it into the meat of Jim’s left thigh.

“Or maybe you just didn’t feel like I was givin’ you enough attention, Darlin’?”  Len kept his voice even and soothing.  He cupped Jim’s head with one hand and gently lowered him to the ground.   He knew Jim’s pattern of presentation during an anaphylactic episode, he would most likely lose consciousness soon.  He held Jim’s hand rubbing this thumb his across his knuckles as he continued to scan him.

Len looked up into his mother’s worried face as Jim’s respirations became more labored.  “Don’t worry, Mama, it always gets worse before it gets better.”  A lot like his life.  

Jim was barely breathing when his eyes slid shut and he lost consciousness.  Len ran the tricorder over him.  He checked the scan and watched Jim’s blood pressure tank, his blood oxygen saturation levels bottoming out.  _Come on Jimmy, come on_.  When his heart rate slowed to sinus brachycardia, Len pushed a vial of atropine into his carotid.  He watched the scan as Jim’s body started to turn the corner and respond to the medications circulating in his blood stream.  Fuck.  If it took any longer he would need surgical intervention to re-establish an airway.  _Come on you contrary asshole._   Len still wasn’t entirely comfortable with how Jim’s body insisted on taking everything to extremes before it responded to treatment, even if he had seen it on numerous other occasions.

Someone had called emergency medical services and thankfully he could hear the sirens in the distance. 

When Jim finally took one shallow ragged breath followed by another, Len reminded himself to breathe as well.  Jim’s breaths were still a little too far apart to suit Len, but it looked like the swelling was receding and, as his respirations slowly increased, his oxygen levels rose.

“That’s it Jimmy,” Len murmured as he watched the O2 sats begin to rebound on the tricorder readout.

Well, it wouldn’t be a McCoy family get together if someone didn’t end up in the ER.  He just would really rather it hadn’t been Jim.  Sprained ankles and broken arms were one thing.  Life threatening anaphylaxis was in a whole other category.

 

When the ambulance arrived Len helped load Jim into the back and insisted on accompanying his patient to the hospital.  He said a quick goodbye to his mother who promised to check in with him later.

Len watched Jim closely during transport.  His lips were losing the bluish cast and his color was returning.  He knew Jim would be tired once he came to.  A reaction like this could put him out for hours and the stress on his body’s systems would take a day or so to get on top of.

When they got to the local hospital, Len followed alongside the hover stretcher as it took the familiar path into the emergency medbay.  His arrival caused quite a stir among the medical staff.

“Hey!  Doc McCoy!  Long time no see!”

Len found himself the center of a small crowd of people he had considered his friends and coworkers at one time. 

The doctor on call took Jim’s information and vitals from Len.  “Who’s his next of kin?” 

Len blushed, “Uh, that would be me.  Jim’s my husband.”  He still felt like he stumbled when he said that word, not used to saying it, or the surreal feeling he got when he realized that it was true.

The doctor looked up from his PADD, “Then I guess congratulations are in order.”  

The doctor shook Len’s hand, “Thanks, Bob.”

“Don’t worry, we’ll take good care of him.” 

“I know you will.” 

The doctor moved off in the direction of Jim’s exam station and directed Len back to receiving, “You finish the admittance paperwork and I promise you can see him shortly.”

“Thanks, Bob.” Len turned to go, trying to quell the urge to find Jim and oversee his treatment, before he remembered something else.  He turned to call after his friend, “Hey, if he starts to come around…”

“I’ll come get you, I promise.”  Bob raised a hand in acknowledgment without turning and kept walking.

Len nodded and allowed one of the nursed to lead him to admissions.

 

Once Jim was admitted and settled into his room Len pulled a chair up beside the bed.  He had completed all of the necessary admission paperwork and as Jim’s physician he had filed the required report notifying the academy of Jim’s hospitalization.  He knew Jim would probably sleep a few more hours so he made himself as comfortable as possible and tried to watch some holovids.  He was startled awake about an hour later when his comm beeped.  He ran a hand over his face and glanced up at Jim’s biobed monitors.  Only when he was reassured about his current condition did he turn his attention to the beeping comm. 

He didn’t bother checking the display before he flipped it open and greeted the unknown caller with his usual gruff, “McCoy.”

“Is that the way you usually greet a superior officer, Cadet?”

Well fuck.

“No sir.  How are you this fine evening Captain Pike?” Len was sure Pike could discern the thinly veiled sarcasm.

“Why, I’m just dandy, Doctor.  Except it seems that one of my most promising cadets has managed to get himself hospitalized, after following another one of my most promising cadets to Georgia after he up and resigned.  Care to explain?”

“Well, now as I hear tell Captain, that cadet that allegedly resigned was issued an emergency leave for personal reasons, while the cadet who followed him was an idiot who ate something he was allergic to.”

“Yeah, that’s pretty much what I figured.  Listen, McCoy, it’s always a pleasure to trade barbs with you, but seriously, how is Jim?”

“He’ll be just fine, Captain.  He’s still sleeping, a reaction this severe usually takes him a good 8 to 12 hours to recover from.  He’ll probably sleep for another six hours, but he should be released after that.”

“Good, because I was hoping to have you both back on campus by Friday morning.  I want you both in my office at 0800 hours.  Will that be a problem?”

“No sir.  No problem.”

“Good to hear it.  I will see you then.  And Doctor?”

“Yes, sir?”

“Take good care of him.  That’s an order.”

“Yes, sir.”

He ended the call with Pike and flipped the comm closed.  He looked down at Jim who was sleeping peacefully.  He always looked so young when he was asleep.  Pike knew he didn’t have to ask Len to take care of Jim, but he appreciated the show of concern none the less. 

Len shut the holovid off and ordered the lights down.  He pulled the chair a little closer to the bed and reached out a tentative hand towards Jim’s.  He wrapped his hand around Jim’s wrist and took comfort in the strong pulse below his fingers.  He always found the feel of the Jim’s heartbeat much more satisfying than watching the blips on his heart monitor.  Len closed his eyes and allowed Jim’s steady beat to lull him to sleep.  They would be heading back to the academy tomorrow.  In less than 24 hours he and Jim would be back on campus and back to life as usual.  As he fell asleep he wondered if things would really be the same, or if something things had changed forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the delay in posting this chapter. Real life insisted on kicking my ass this past week and a half. The boys work a few things out in this chapter, but this relationship is by no means smooth sailing from this point on. I spent some time last week working on a one shot to get my head around "The Incident That Will Not Be Discussed." I may post that after this story is done, I don't want to mess with the ratings on this one at this point. I also have plans to continue this 'verse through year three and onto the Enterprise. I have the continuation partially written and it makes me happy, so I think this will continue for a while. Again thank you to all who have read and commented. Your comments and kudos give me great motivation. Enjoy!


	7. Chapter Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for how long it has taken me to post another chapter. I thought this would be the last one, but the boys are not cooperating with me. I have agonized over this chapter for far too long and finally decided that I needed to break it into at least two parts. It has gotten way too long and the story started going in directions I hadn't planned on. I am getting to get to the rainbows and unicorns, I promise. Chapter eight is essentially written so I hope to have that up in a couple of days. I hope you like the detours I ended up taking, they seemed to be necessary to get the boys to where I wanted them in the end. Thank you all for reading. Your comments have been inspiring. Enjoy

It was the early hours of Thursday morning before Jim woke.

“Damn, did you get the number of the shuttle that hit me?”

“Sure did, Darlin’.” Jim knew they weren’t alone when Bones called him that, alerting him to the nurse fussing with his IV and recording his vitals.  “Chicken sausage with apples and fennel.”

“Damn.  That was really good, too.” 

Bones shook his head in exasperation.  “You need to be more careful you idiot.  What if I wasn’t with you?”

Jim watched as the cute nurse gave him a shy smile and gathered her supplies to leave, his eyes tracking her retreating from.  He answered distractedly, “I carry an epipen.” 

Bones followed his line of sight and frowned. 

“Yeah, but it wouldn’t have been enough.”  He got up to recheck the nurse’s work and Jim rolled his eyes.  His attention was drawn to Bones’ gentle fingers as he adjusted the tape on the IV port and rearranged the tubing so it wouldn’t pull when he moved his arm.  He wondered if Bones realized that he did that, that he always got hands on after anyone else treated him.  Jim had noticed it when he had been hospitalized after a training accident and now he watched, amused, as Bones managed to touch everywhere the nurse had laid her hands.  It was like he was reasserting his claim. 

Jim wasn’t sure if Bones was just that distrustful of anyone else’s care, or he just needed to reassure himself that Jim was indeed ok.  Bones wasn’t as tactile as Jim was as a rule, but he was totally hands on as a doctor.  It had taken Jim a while to reconcile that fact.  He tolerated Jim touching him, but Bones only really touched Jim when he was sick or injured, so it was heartwarming to watch Bones show how much he cared, even if he wasn’t aware that he was doing it. 

Bones was still frowning, “Not this time.” 

+

Jim’s reactions were getting more severe. 

Finally satisfied with the IV set-up, he sat back down.  He looked at Jim, “And what happens when you’re unconscious, when you can’t communicate with anyone around you?”  It filled Len with fear, the thought that if he hadn’t been with Jim, he may not have walked away this time.  He needed Jim to understand the seriousness of the situation. 

”I guess I’ll just have to keep my doctor close at all times,” Jim gave him a side look from under his lashes.

Len sighed.  He knew Jim wouldn’t change, no matter how much he nagged.  He just hoped he always would be there.

 

oOo

After being discharged from the hospital, Jim and Len returned to the hotel to pack their things before heading over to Eleanora’s to say goodbye.  Jocelyn agreed to bring Joanna by and after a lively family lunch they found themselves once again seated next to each other on a shuttle headed to San Francisco.

Leonard couldn’t help remembering the last time they had shared a shuttle ride to the academy.   He looked over at Jim, who looked tired and a little worse for wear, but at least he wasn’t bruised and bleeding.  They had come a long way in the last two years.  Len was still uncomfortable flying, but having Jim by his side made anything more bearable. 

He looked down at Jim’s hand resting on his lap, at the ring reflecting the interior shuttle lighting in the dark cabin, and smiled.  He was humbled and thankful he had a friend so willing to do something so foolish for him. 

Len bumped his shoulder against the blonde’s, “Hey.  I need to say thank you, Jim.  I…I can’t ever repay you for what did for me.”

Jim leaned into Len’s side and tilted his head towards him, resting it on his shoulder, “No thanks necessary, Bones.  After all, what are friends for?”

“Well, I’m pretty sure they’re not for imposin’ upon in such a grand fashion.”

“Funny, I think that’s exactly what they’re for.”  At that, Jim closed his eyes and snuggled down deeper against Len and drifted off.  Len looked at him enviously, knowing there was no way he could sleep on this flight without being medicated, so he just contented himself with watching the starlight play across Jim’s features as he slept, enjoying the last moments of peace he would be able to share with Jim before he was forced to put this time behind him and their lives returned to normal.

 

Bones shook Jim awake as the shuttle approached the San Francisco terminal, unwilling to endure the landing alone.  Jim took his hand and squeezed reassuringly until the shuttle’s runners touched down on the landing pad.  Only then did he finally take a deep shaky breath. 

Jim let go of his hand and slapped him on the back.  “See?  Not so bad.”

He just chuckled at the obligatory grumbling at that that followed him as they exited the shuttle.

Jim stopped on the flight deck, his bag slung over his shoulder and took a deep breath of the salty breeze blowing in off the bay.  He could smell the ocean.  Being from a land locked state like Iowa, he was surprised at how much he had missed that smell.  The weather here was cooler than Georgia, but no less humid.  A fog was beginning to gather in the hollows and swirled around the base of the hangar support beams.  He looked over at Bones who was staring off into the distance in the direction of the campus and wondered what was going through his mind. 

 

It was now the summer session and many students had headed home for leave.  The campus was less crowded than it had been when they’d left.  There were pockets of students lounging around the quad and it was inevitable that they would run into someone they knew.  After all, Jim knew just about everyone. 

They were close to the medical dorm when a couple of women approached walking in the opposite direction.

“Hey! Jim!  Where have you been hiding?”  The first one, a petite blonde, asked.

“We thought maybe you went home on leave,” the red head added. 

Obviously they didn’t know Jim very well to have thought that, but Len couldn’t help feeling awkward as they bubbled and bounced around Jim who had turned on the charm and his megawatt smile.

Leonard stood off to one side, his hand hot in his jeans pocket, the ring a heavy present weight and waited for Jim to finish.  He’d watched as Jim had casually slipped his left hand into his pocket, his own following suit, and Len knew then that it really _was_ back to reality time.

 

oOo

Jim’s hand hovered over the keypad without typing in the code.  Len knew he knew it as well as he did his own.  He looked at Jim curiously.  Jim was standing in the doorway but not entering the room.  He looked like he was thinking through a complicated engineering equation.

Len was confused.  “You goin’ in or not?” 

“Hang on a minute.” 

He was losing his patience.  “What Jim?”  Jim looked up one side of the hall, then he turned and looked down the other. 

Len followed his guide and looked around the empty hall.  “What are you doin’, Jim?”

“Just making sure we’re alone.”  Len raised an eyebrow, the kid was losing it.

He was shocked when Jim attempted to sweep him off his feet.  Jim had wrapped one arm around Len’s back and slid one arm behind his knees and lifted him, but not very far.  “Damn, you are heavy.”  He said as he hoisted him higher.

Len clutched at Jim’s shoulders to avoid being dumped unceremoniously in the hallway.  “What the fuck are you doin’, Jim?”

“I’m carrying you across the threshold, honey.”

“Put me down asshole.”

“Come on, baby, it’s good luck to carry the bride across the threshold of your new home.”

“Seriously, put me down.”  He could tell Jim had no intention of setting him down until they were in the room, so he decided they better get it over with before someone saw them. “Well, come on then, put your back into it.”

“What the fuck, Bones?  You need to cut out the empty calories from all that bourbon you drink.” 

Jim set him back on his feet in the dorm room.

“Are you happy now?”  Len scowled as Jim tried to stretch out the protesting muscles in his lower back.  “How many times do I gotta tell ya you need to lift with your knees?”

“I’ll remember that next time Bones.”

A memory flashed through Len’s mind of him supporting Jim’s weight against a wall and he shook it quickly away, muttering, “Oh, there won’t be a next time.” 

 

Len dropped his bag by the sofa and stood a moment looking down at the ring on his finger and realized for the first time just how much he’d missed this.  This small symbol that meant that someone cared about him, loved him, that he belonged to someone.  Except, that really wasn’t what this one meant.  Len shoved down the wave of regret that swept through him. 

He slid the gold and platinum band from his finger and held it out to Jim.  “You keep the rings, Jim.  You bought ‘em.”  Jim left his hands at his side.

“No, Bones, you keep it.  I want you to have yours.”

Len took a step forward into Jim’s personal space and took his right hand in his and turned it palm up.  He placed the ring in his palm and closed Jim’s fingers around the warm circle of metal.  “Keep it for now, Jimmy.  If you still want me to have it, you can give it back to me someday.”

Len turned and walked into the bedroom and quietly closed the door behind him.

+

Jim opened his hand and stood looking at the small symbol in his right palm.  He lifted his left hand and looked at the twin still on his finger before pulling it off and laying it next to Bones’.  He closed his hand again around both rings and stood for a few more moments while he tried to sort out his feelings.  He tried to figure out why his gut had knotted at the gesture, because this was what they had planned all along. 

Jim put the rings into his pocket and later, when he had some privacy, after Bones had gone to the clinic, he put both rings back into the velvet box they had come in and tucked them down deep in his duffle bag at the back of his closet.  Somewhere he wouldn’t happen upon them by accident.  Somewhere he wouldn’t see them again unless he went looking for them, and left the room, just needing to be away from the space he shared with Bones.  To put some distance between him and reminders of something that wasn’t meant to be.

 

oOo

Jim and Leonard had agreed to several things before heading back to the academy.  First, since it was the start of summer break, it would be an opportune time for Jim to request a room reassignment.  Second, they would officially list each other as their next of kin with Starfleet and add the other as beneficiary on their life insurance policies.  Both acts would not require any type of official recognition of their marital status, but would link them together in Starfleet’s eyes, at least superficially, but Jim would take it.

So, before the day was out, they had visited the campus housing office and filled out the necessary paperwork to move Jim into Len’s room. 

Technically Len’s dorm room wasn’t actually a single.  When he had moved into the medical dorm the room had been a double, but since Len was older than most of his cohort and already a licensed physician, he’d entered Starfleet at an advanced pay grade.  He was considered a Cadet Lieutenant and could look forward to graduating as a commissioned Lieutenant Commander.  One undeniable truth in the military, or a paramilitary peace keeping organization as Starfleet proclaimed itself to be, rank had its privileges.  Therefore Len was assigned to a dorm without a roommate.  Thank the good Lord.  So, the first thing he had done after setting his duffle down and making a quick tour, was to push the two single bunk beds together to make one large bed. 

+

Ever since Jim had known him, Bones had had a double bed.  They had even shared that bed on occasion when Jim had been too drunk to walk home or they had studied too late into the night.  

So, Jim was a little surprised when he returned to the room with his things, to find that the beds were separated again.  He hadn’t really thought about the sleeping arrangements.  Just because they had shared a bed in Georgia didn’t mean they would share one here, but it really served to let him know what page Bones was on. 

+

Len stood contemplating the two separate bunks and wondered how they were going to make this work.  Sure the kid was over here so often that some people assumed that they already lived together, but one thing Len hadn’t had to deal with – yet – was Jim bringing his latest conquest to his room.  Well, there was that one night that Len had caught a whiff of some elusive scent on his sheets, like a perfume his wife might have worn, it had made him wonder if Jim had brought someone to his room.

Now, it was Jim’s room too.  It was too much to ask, and really too much to hope, that he would take his women elsewhere.  Maybe they were going to need to establish some kind of ground rules like the old tie on the door routine that made him feel like he was back in college again, dammit.  Maybe Jim could be reasoned with to go back to his date’s rooms instead.  Len sighed in resignation, but more likely than not, he was going to have to deal with Jim entertaining in his room, their room, at some point.

It was better to start this off with no presumptions and the boundaries clearly defined. 

There were definitely going to need to be some ground rules.

Jim stood looking at the beds for several seconds before dropping his things on the clearly unclaimed bunk on the left.

“This ok?”

“Yeah, sure, whatever you want, Bones.”  Jim tried to infuse a tone of indifference in his voice when he was feeling anything but. 

 

oOo

The next morning, at precisely 0800hrs, Jim and Len had reported to Captain Christopher Pike’s office as ordered, both men standing in front of the desk were the Captain was seated.

Pike looked back and forth between the two men.  Something was up.  They were avoiding looking at each other, choosing instead to look around the room, or at their feet, not at him, not at each other.  He took several minutes to finish some busy work while he watched them from the corner of his eye, letting them sweat it out, before addressing them.

“First of all, Cadet Kirk, it’s good to see you looking well.”

“Yes, sir.  Thank you, sir.  It was nothing.”  The huff of breath from the doctor negated his words, but Pike chose to ignore it.  He had already read the doctor’s medical report and was satisfied that Kirk was recovered enough to attend classes.

“Gentlemen, I’ve taken the liberty of scheduling your make-up exams for your semester finals.  I expect these to be completed within the week.”  He picked up his pad and sent the schedule to both men whose comms beeped at receipt.  Neither pulled their comms to check, just indicated agreement.

“I trust your trip went well?”  When neither man responded beyond a nod, Pike decided he wouldn’t get anywhere unless he separated them.

“Kirk, would you please step outside?  I’d like speak with McCoy for a moment privately.”  Kirk looked up suspiciously, but knew he had no choice but to leave Bones with Pike.

Once the door closed behind Kirk, Pike continued.

“Doctor, I was hoping to get some clarification on the reason for your,” he hesitated here choosing the correct wording, “leave request.” 

“Yeah, about that Captain.  I know what Jim did…”

“I will deal separately with Cadet Kirk, what I want to know is if your family matters were settled satisfactorily or do I have to look forward to the possibility of another resignation in your future?  You’re a valuable asset to Starfleet and one I would be loath to lose.” 

“No, sir.  I think I’ve handled what needed to be handled.  My assignment requests may need to be altered based on my family responsibilities, but I have no intention of resigning.”

“Good.  Glad to hear it.  Assignments can be rearranged as long as you’re willing to compromise.” 

That left a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach, but he was in no position to argue the point.  Not now.  “Yes, sir, he replied quietly.” 

“You are dismissed, Cadet.  Please send Kirk in on your way out.”

“Yes, sir.”  Len exited the office to find Jim pacing anxiously outside the door.  “What did he want?”

“He wants to talk to you.  Now.”

Jim glanced at the door, then back at Bones.  “But what did he say?”

“He wanted to make sure I wasn’t going to resign on him again.”  Jim looked relieved. 

“That’s all?”

“Yeah, but now he wants to talk to you about hacking his email.”  A quick indecipherable look passed over Jim’s face and was gone.  Jim walked backwards towards the office door as he gave him his usual cocky grin.

Len shook his head and muttered, “Jackass.”  Honestly, the kid had no sense of self-preservation sometimes.

 

Kirk stood before Pike’s desk his respect for his superior evident in his sharp stance and his squared away uniform, but Pike knew Kirk took an inappropriate amount of joy in his little insolent ‘fuck-yous’ to the establishment that he gave by following the spirit, if not the letter of the regulations.  So, he always seemed to be in uniform, unless you looked a little too closely and noticed a hint of his own personality that he had allowed to show through.  Like his socks.

Pike rose from his chair and circled the desk.  He perched on the edge and leaned forward and carefully grasped the perfect crease in one of Kirk’s cadet red trouser legs and lifted.  I *red heart* San Fran.  Well, that’s just peachy.

“You’re out of uniform, Cadet,” he observed dryly.

Kirk tried hard to control the smirk and keep it from his response, “Technically, no sir.  Regs say black socks.  They do not specify that they be free of design.”

And that, right there, summed up Kirk in a nutshell.  He knew the regs.  Knew them backwards and forwards, could quote them paragraph and subsection, but chose to use that knowledge to subvert the rules.   He was going to be one dangerous son-of-a-bitch once they cut him loose in the black.  Pike only hoped he would use his powers for the forces of good.

Pike dropped the trouser leg and straightened back up.  He had learned to pick his battles and today he was not choosing to die on that hill.

“Do you have any idea why you’re here, Cadet? 

“You missed me?”

Pike sighed.  “If I were you, I would be thinking about how I could get out of this room without pissing me off any further.”

“Yes, sir,” Kirk sounded contrite.

“What do you have to say for yourself?”  Kirk opened his mouth to respond, but Pike rushed on, “And don’t you dare pretend that you don’t know what this is about.  Do I make myself clear?”

“Crystal, sir.”

Pike stood and circled back to his chair where he settled in for the long haul.

“Ok.  Let’s hear it.”

 

Jim exited Captain Pike’s office forty minutes later and stretched in the bright sunshine.  He could swear he could feel the Captain’s size 11 shoved firmly up his ass.  Well, he had earned that one after all, so he hadn’t made any protest at the additional duty he had been assigned. 

Pike had been a friend of his parents and was the reason Jim was here at the academy.  He and Pike were close, but he couldn’t show him any favoritism.  Jim understood he had crossed a line that any other officer could have used to have him dismissed from the academy.  Pike was only assigning him two extra sessions of hand-to-hand to teach and that really wasn’t much of a punishment, but he would pretend it was if anyone asked. 

He headed off to find Bones whistling a merry tune.

 

oOo

Now that they were back at the academy, Jim and Len fell back into their usual routines and things pretty much returned to normal.   They returned to classes, to life as usual and waited for the next shoe to drop.  But it never did.  No official notification was sent to Starfleet.  No one demanded an answer. 

At first, Jim made leering jokes about Bones being his bride and about consummating the marriage, until Jim actually looked into what it would take to dissolve the marriage.  He’s not surprised, but disheartened by how easily it could all be set aside if one of them decided to contest it.  It really wasn’t any kind of permanent alliance.  Not without the consummation.  _Fucking 11th century medieval morality._  And Jim found he no longer felt like joking about it.

They didn’t talk about it anymore, but It still existed between them as an unspoken promise that no matter what happened in the future, where Starfleet saw fit to station them, that there would always be a link between them, one that, if nothing else, would ensure that they would eventually have to reunite to deal with. 

 

Len was relieved when Jim stopped riding him mercilessly about being his wife, but he was grateful to Jim for giving him his daughter back. 

That piece of paper, tucked safely away in Leonard’s trunk, served as his promise to Jim that he would always be there, but its permanence was marred by Joce’s divorce papers stored so close by.  He couldn’t let himself forget that it was a marriage in name only, if that.  It had served its legal purpose, and until Jim decided to annul it, he wouldn’t contest it.  He would honor the commitment he made to his best friend. 

Len tried to put it out of mind, but he could never quite forget.  He tried not to imbue the vows they had exchanged with the same gravity that he had his vows to Jocelyn, but that was just the type of man Len was.  He took his vows seriously, even the counterfeit ones.

So, Len found himself pulling back from Jim. Not avoiding him per se, but not really engaging with him like he used to.  It wouldn’t do to become any more invested in this relationship with Jim beyond the friendship they already shared since their futures were so uncertain.

Len knew he had made the right decision when Jim began to return to his pre-Georgia extracurricular pursuits.  They attended classes, studied and ate together during the day, but most nights Jim went off in search of other entertainment.  He hadn’t brought anyone back to their room, for which Len was eternally grateful, but there were many nights he didn’t return.  Even when Len had a clinic shift, he could tell when the kid’s bed hadn’t been slept in and he had a hard time swallowing down his disapproval.

However, Jim was very dedicated when it came to being present to answer Joanna’s weekly calls.  He always made himself available when Len was working to answer her comms.  Len didn’t have to ask, on Joanna’s scheduled nights, Jim stayed around.  It gave him a warm feeling to watch as the two interacted during her weekly vid chats and Jim never failed to have a funny story to share about something that had happened to them during the week.  As Len sat and listened, adding an occasional comment, he couldn’t help the feeling of gratitude that overwhelmed him, thankful once again to have a friend like Jim.

 

oOo

Of course not everything was smooth sailing.  Jim and Len had always had an open, frank and at times volatile relationship.  They were two strong personalities who preferred to get the last word which led to not infrequent arguments, but the straw that broke the camel’s back was a long time in coming. 

Len had been working a double surgical shift at the clinic when Jocelyn had commed and Jim had answered.  She had been looking for Bones to get permission to take Joanna off-planet on a sudden visit to relatives on the Federation colony on Alcaeus.  Her sister’s husband had been injured in a terraforming accident and she was needed to help care for their three children while he recuperated.

Jocelyn needed immediate permission because their flight was scheduled for that evening.  Jim had his misgivings, but forced down his own worries.  However, he couldn’t easily dismiss the objections he knew Bones would have raised.  In deference to him, Jim did his best to ask all the pertinent questions, such as when would they leave, how would they travel, how long would they stay and when would they return.  Under the custody agreement Bones, or Jim, would have to sign off on any request prior to departure.  Jocelyn was a little vague about when they would be able to return, but she promised to see that Joanna kept her weekly call to Bones as long as they could get permission to send a subspace communication.  It wouldn’t be a vid call, but it would be better than nothing.  So, despite a lingering feeling of unease, Jim signed the appropriate documents.

When Bones got home the next morning and found the PADD on his bedside table, he hit the roof.

“What the fuck is this, Jim?  You gave her permission to take Jo off planet?!  Why the _hell_ didn’t you ask me first?  What gives you the right to make decisions on my behalf?” Bones stormed.

Jim heard the silent challenge, but refused to bring up the fact that he did have a legal right.  He knew he shouldn’t push Bones like that right now, but Jim refused to apologize, so he remained silent. 

He knew if he had been asked, Bones would probably have agreed, but Jim knew he had been asking for trouble when he had gone behind his back. 

“Why the hell didn’t you wait for me to get back?” He railed.

Jim couldn’t really have waited because Joce’s shuttle flight had been scheduled to leave before Bones’ shift had ended, and then there was the part of him hadn’t wanted Jocelyn thinking that he always needed Bones’ permission.  He wanted her to see him as an equal partner in this marriage.  Only he wasn’t.  Bones never failed to remind him of the fact that Jim was just a means to an end and there it stopped.  He didn’t have any authority over Bones’ daughter, or his life, he didn’t have Bones approval.  Not really.

+

Len was so angry over Jocelyn’s actions that he wasn’t willing to listen to Jim’s explanation.  He knew he was probably over reacting, but Jim had overstepped his boundaries. 

He watched in grim satisfaction as Jim grabbed his bag, shoved in some clothes, his PADDs and books and headed for the door. 

“What the fuck ever, Bones.” 

Len was exhausted and pissed and he really just needed some time away from Jim. It took him the better part of the night and several drinks to cool down to the point that he wondered where Jim had hared off to.  Jim knew every nook and cranny of that campus and had more contacts than even Len knew of.  He could be anywhere, with anyone, and that thought made his stomach a little queasy.

He should just call him.  He pulled his comm and stared at the blank screen, only seeing the scene replaying in his head.  Jim throwing his clothes in his bag, the cold ice blue of his eyes, the flippant comment tossed over his shoulder as the door closed behind his retreating form.

Fuck him.

Len was tired of this shit.  When was Jim going to learn to grow the fuck up?  He pinched the bridge of his nose, seeing the comm in his hand again, with a heavy sigh he slid it back in his pocket. 

No.  This time the little shit was going to have to comm to him.  He was done chasing him around, following blindly whenever Jim beckoned and always being the first to make concessions.  Jim needed to learn to respect his feelings, too.  It was high time Jim started thinking about someone other than himself.

+

Jim decided to stay away from Bones for a few days.  He knew that Bones thought he was staying with someone else, but a friend on the engineer track had given him an inside tip about a shuttle that was down for repairs and the parts were on backorder.  No repairs were scheduled until the end of the week and it made the perfect private getaway.  The shuttle was equipped with an emergency medical berth and Jim appreciated the irony of sleeping in a biobed while avoiding his doctor, but he had laid his head worse places and he couldn’t complain.  It was better than the dirt floor of a cave, that was for sure. 

Jim spent a lot of nights away from the room he shared with Bones and he had become an expert at finding hidden areas around campus to sleep in.  He knew that Bones thought he was out fucking around, but he sure as hell wasn’t going to tell him otherwise.  It was better for all concerned if he just kept up the charade, because what did it say about this whole fucked up mess that he hadn’t been with anyone since before Georgia?  Not that he didn’t socialize, not that he hadn’t had offers, but he just wasn’t interested.

He knew he was acting like an immature asshole, but he couldn’t’ help it.  He had just needed to get the fuck away from Bones and get some air.  He was tired of Bones getting in his face every fucking time he came back to the room.  Judging him, observing him.  The way he looked him over then turned away with something akin to disappointment in his eyes.  Jim knew he was a disappointment.  He didn’t need to see it in Bones’ eyes every time he came back to the room after a night out. 

What the fuck did Bones want from him?  What did Jim want from Bones?  Why couldn’t he make up his fucking mind?  All he knew was that that look made him feel like he was fifteen again and Winona was picking him up at the local precinct, silently accusing him of bringing shame on the Kirk name as she bailed him out once again.  He was tired of being judged and found wanting.

 

oOo

It was two nights later when Jim’s comm beeped in the middle of the night.  He fumbled for it in the dark shuttle and looked down at the display.  Bones.  He checked the chrono, 0217hrs.  Jim sighed and rubbed at his eyes.  He had probably just gotten back from a clinic shift, but why was he calling now?  Did he think Jim was still awake at this hour?  Was he hoping to catch him with someone?  He knew he was being unreasonable not answering when all he had wanted was for Bones to call him, but after waiting so long, he wasn’t going to jump at his beck and call.  He didn’t want to look like he was too anxious, like he was just waiting for him to call.  Let him be the one to wait for a change.  Jim silenced the comm and shoved it under his pillow as he drifted to sleep once again. 

 

oOo

“Pick up, pick up.  Dammit, Jim, answer your damn comm,” he muttered impatiently.  He kept one eye on the chrono and the other on the door as he hastily threw things into his jump kit and quickly inventoried his trauma supplies.

Commander Ingram stuck his head in the door, “Move out, Cadet!  Get those supplies to transport ASAP.”

Len slammed the comm shut, zipped the bag and reluctantly followed the officer to the medical transport pads.  He dropped his bag on the pile and took his place on the platform beside the other medical staff.  His last thought as his atoms were scrambled was of Jim and how pissed he was going to be when he found him gone once again.

 

oOo

After waiting the better part of the next day, Bones still hadn’t called.  Jim had checked his messages, but there wasn’t one.  He finally decided that maybe it was time to head back to their room.  Jim’s curiosity and impatience were getting the better of him and he reasoned that if Bones was calling, he was probably ready to talk.  He could at least meet the guy half-way, after all, their stubbornness wasn’t getting them anywhere fast at this rate.

 

It was like deja-fucking-vu. 

Bones was gone again. 

Jim wandered around the room.  It looked like Bones had never made it home from his shift the night before.  There were still breakfast dishes in the sink and the coffee in the pot was at least a day old.  He thought guiltily of the comm he hadn’t answered.  Had there been some type of emergency?  Had he headed back to Georgia?

Jim moved to the bedroom.  The bed was still made and Bones’ duffle was still under the bed, his toiletries were still on the sink in the bathroom.  Jim’s stomach flipped.  Could he have spent the night with someone else?  He ruthlessly shoved that unwanted thought aside and moved back to the living room.

Jim knew Bones didn’t have a class right now and wasn’t scheduled at the clinic.  Their room looked like he had just left to go to class, but had never returned.  Jim went to the comm terminal and pulled up Bones’ class schedule.  He hadn’t seen or spoken to him for several days, maybe he had picked up a lab section or was TA-ing.  He was stunned when the search results came back and showed that Cadet McCoy, Leonard H., had been unenrolled from all of his courses. 

_What the fuck?_

Had the bastard resigned again without telling him? 

A quick look through his messages didn’t show anything out of the ordinary, just that Bones hadn’t responded to any messages since 0047hrs, and that had been a quick response to another student looking for help with course notes.  Other than that there were no unusual incoming or outgoing messages.  Bones had been scheduled at the clinic until 0300hrs, then he was supposed to be in classes from 0900 until 1700hrs. 

_Where the hell are you, Bones?  What happened this time?_

When Jim tried searching the system to see who had altered Bones’ records, he found the records coded Classified Federation Materials.  He could hack them, they probably weren’t any harder to get into than the Starfleet files, but he would be risking his career if he got caught hacking into a Federation database. 

Jim was frustrated.  He ran his fingers through his hair and flipped his personal comm open and called Bones.  He paced until the call went to voice mail and then dialed Pike’s personal number.  There was no answer and no message, so Jim slammed the comm shut.  It was getting late, but he knew Pike would still be awake, so he headed over to officer housing.  Pike had an apartment here for when he was back on planet, but unable to get away to his house in Arizona. 

Jim found that Pike’s apartment was dark and there was no answer to his hail.  He was about to leave when one of the neighbors, a Commander that Jim had seen several times talking to Pike, came down the steps.

“If you’re looking for the Captain, Cadet, he was called away.  Don’t know when he’ll be back.”

“Do you know where he went?”

“Sorry. I’m not at liberty to say.”

“Oh.  Ok.  Thanks.”  Jim turned away more frustrated than ever.

Trying to tamp down on his growing panic, Jim’s next stop was Starfleet Medical where he managed to find a cute little nurse who seemed to melt when he flashed his most dazzling smile in her direction.  He was able to learn that, yes, Dr. McCoy was here last night, but he had been summoned into Admiral Wight’s office before his shift ended.  Jim wondered what Starfleet’s Surgeon General had needed from Bones at zero dark thirty, but the nurse couldn’t give him any further information.  She hadn’t seen him again after that and her shift ended at 0300hrs.

 

When Jim returned to the room later that night he finally took the time to check his own messages.  He was surprised to see one from Starfleet Command addressed to his personal account.  He opened it and scanned the brief notification:

Cadet Lt. Leonard McCoy was deployed today, 2257.190, on a training mission of unknown length.  Communications are restricted until further notice.  If you have an emergency which requires communications please contact the Starfleet Public Relations Family Liaison at the Terra Prime base.

What the fuck?  An unscheduled training mission?  Jim smelled a cover up.

 

oOo

Jim pulled in every favor with every contact he had and ruthlessly played the son of George Kirk card, but even that wasn’t enough.  He kept coming up against the brick wall that Starfleet had erected around whatever the fuck was going on.

All Admiral Sanborn would say was, “That is on a need to know basis, Cadet, and you have no need to know.”

Surgeon General Wight, although sympathetic to his plight could only say, “All you need to know is that Cadet McCoy is on assignment and will return when that assignment is complete.”

All Commander Spock would say was, “It is highly illogical that you are seeking information that you are aware is unavailable to you.  If there were information which Starfleet deemed you required you would have been so informed.”  Fucking Vulcan logic.  He should have known better than try to appeal to someone who had no feelings.

He had exhausted every possible avenue to find out where Bones had gone, where Pike had gone, or when either of them could be expected back.  It was a complete communications black out.  All he could do now was wait.

 

oOo

Joanna managed to make her weekly comm call the following week from Alcaeus via a subspace comm relay.  Jocelyn needed an extension on their stay and a decision needed to be made, so Jim granted her permission in Bones’ absence.  Jim was well aware that this was exactly the type of scenario they had originally made these arrangements for.  He hadn’t had time to smooth things over with Bones before he was gone, so Jocelyn had no reason to question his authority and accepted his signature in lieu of Bones’.  Jim made sure he got all of the specifics in writing, including the new date of their return. 

Some of the hardest days turned out to be the ones where Jim had to take calls from Bones’ mother or Joanna.  He didn’t want them to worry, so he told them that Bones was currently on a training mission and would return in a few weeks. 

 

oOo

“This seat taken, Doctor?”  Len looked up to see Captain Pike standing by his table, tray in hand.

“No, sir, please,” he said indicating the seat across from him.

“You looked lost in thought, McCoy.  Penny for your thoughts?”

“Penny?” 

Pike shrugged, “Old Earth monetary unit.  So, credit for your thoughts?”

“Not sure there worth that much.”

Pike just watched as McCoy picked at the meal before him.  He took another sip of his coffee and waited.

McCoy sighed, “It’s just… Jim’s gotta be comin’ outta his skin by now, Chris.”

Pike set his cup down.  “I figured as much.  You know you two are too damn predictable.  If it’s not him pestering me about you, it’s you hounding me about him.” 

Len looked up surprised.  “Jim talks to you about me?”

“When isn’t Jim talking about you?  You seem to be the main topic of conversation in our weekly advisor meetings, second only to Jim’s academic schedule.” 

“Huh.”

Pike chuckled.  “Really, McCoy, if I were you, I’d be a little afraid of what Jim has been sharing with your commanding officer.”

McCoy looked unrepentant, “Look.  Whatever it was, it was his idea.  I only go along with him to make sure the infant doesn’t kill himself.  Someone has to be the voice of reason and, lucky me, he seems to have chosen me for the job.  Not that he listens to me at all.”

Pike couldn’t help it, he laughed at McCoy’s extremely put out expression.  “I feel your pain, Doctor, but I have to say that it eases my burden a little to know that there’s someone else out there watching out for him.”

“Yeah.  Well, I try.”

“We do what we can do.”

Pike sobered at that thought and turned his attention to his dinner.

McCoy couldn’t help but notice the change in the atmosphere at the table and it didn’t take him long to connect the dots.

“You’re worried about, Jim.”

“I am.  At our last meeting we talked about your assignment requests post-graduation.

“Ah.  Let me guess, he’s requesting that we be assigned together.”

He is, but he needs to get used to the fact that you two might be separated after graduation.  Don’t look at me like that, McCoy.  There were never any guarantees.  As much as I want you on the Enterprise, the admiralty seems to have other plans for you.  I’ve had quite the fight on my hands.”  He looked apologetic, “I’m not sure it’s one I can win.”

“Well, I appreciate your trying, Captain.  Whatever happens, we’ll work it out.”  They ate in companionable silence for several minutes until Pike could no longer ignore the furtive glances McCoy kept throwing in his direction.

“Out with it, Cadet.”

“Sir, is there any way to get word to Jim.  Just let him know…”

“Know what?  That you’ve been pulled away on a highly sensitive medical mission?  No.  Sorry, Doctor.  Believe me, if there were any way to notify him, I would.  I know he’s going to spin himself into a tizzy when he can’t get a hold of you, or me, but it can’t be helped.”  Pike stood and gathered his things.  He stopped beside McCoy and laid his hand on his shoulder, “Leonard, don’t worry about, Jim.  He’ll be fine.  He’ll endure.  It’s what he does.”

“Thanks, Chris.”  He was grateful for the sentiment, but it really didn’t ease his worry.  He knew Jim would survive, but he sure wished they had parted on better terms.  He wished that he hadn’t been such a stubborn asshole and had tried calling him earlier.  He knew this was just going to trigger Jim’s insecurities again and he was just managing to move past the abandonment issues Len had dredged up with his resignation.  Fuck.

Len was startled by the sudden flashing of the yellow alert signal and he hurriedly cleared his tray and headed to his assigned duty station.  They would be entering orbit around Seti V in less than an hour and he needed to be ready.  It had been ten days of constant briefings and preparations and a whole lot of hurry up and wait.  He was itching to get this mission completed so they could head back to Earth as soon as possible.  It felt good to finally get started.

 

oOo

Waiting was the hardest part. 

It was easier to be cheerful with Joanna, but as the weeks crawled past, it was harder to watch her disappointment when he had to tell her that Daddy wasn’t home yet.  She seemed content to speak with him most times, so it usually wasn’t long before he had her smiling and laughing again.  She had become the bright spot in his otherwise dreary weeks.

He took to trolling the news feeds each night looking for news of possible hotspots in the galaxy, but beyond a few skirmishes in the outer systems, there was nothing of much interest.  No medical alerts, no plagues, no epidemics being reported, but Jim knew from personal experience that the Federation and Starfleet could twist the news to suit their needs.  They were not beyond covering up unflattering intel, or even planting erroneous reports in the press.  Bones could be in the middle of hostile territory or a blossoming plague and the world would be none the wiser.  Until it reached a crisis point.

This all brought back memories of Tarsus and the ensuing cover-up, which sent Jim into a downward spiral.  He began to revert back to obsessive compulsive behaviors he thought he had mastered.  His days became regimented and ritualistic.  It gave him a measure of comfort in being able to impose control on the parts of his life that were still within his ability to control, so he focused on the regimen.  He couldn’t help doing the senseless things that helped to reduce his anxiety.  He knew Bones would be angry with him if he could see him now.  That thought was the only thing that kept him from resuming the most troubling of his rituals, the purging and the cutting.  Two of his darkest secrets that even Bones didn’t know about. 

 

oOo

There was shouting, and running.  The sound of artillery and phaser fire filled the field around him, but Len could only focus on the body in front of him.  The kid had been shot in the chest and CPR had failed to resuscitate him.  Len hands were slick with blood, the last resistance of the material as it tore away exposed the ragged hole signifying a projectile wound.  He grabbed the laser scalpel from his kit and cut away the remnants of the uniform shirt before firmly pressing the blade through flesh and muscle, carving a line in an arc under the unlucky Ensign’s left nipple stopping short of his sternum and the internal thoracic artery.

“You need to pull the ribs apart.”

“There’s no pulse, doctor.”

“ _Pull the damn ribs apart_.”

The corpsman braced himself and used all of his weight to separate the ribs so the doctor could maneuver his left hand into the fourth intercostal space.

The fingers of McCoy’s left hand sought out the heart.  With the heart in his left hand, he compressed the heart muscle while compressing the descending aorta with his right.  Several minutes of compressions at a steady rate and he felt the muscle twitch in his fingers.  He stilled his hand tentatively, resuming compressions when the compromised muscle had a difficult time responding.  Much longer and his hand was going to cramp up. 

This was battlefield medicine at its worst.  No fucking tech and he had a dead man on his hands if he couldn’t get his heart restarted.  Internal cardiac massage was a technique from the past, but McCoy wasn’t above using every trick in the book.

With one last half-hearted (Hah! Very funny!  God, he was tired.)  twitch, the muscle in his hand quivered back to life.  McCoy stopped compressions and watched as, after several erratic and weak ventricular contractions, the rhythm strengthened and evened out. 

“‘bout fuckin’ time Ensign,” he muttered.  Only after he had satisfied himself that the heart would continue beating, did he allow himself to look at his patient’s face.  God, he was young.  They were all so damn young, they made him feel ancient.

Len massaged the cramps out of his fingers and looked around the empty field.  “Get a pressure bandage on his chest.”

At some point, the rest of the troops had retreated and he, the nurse and the patient were the only ones left except for the dead.

“We gotta move out.”

“Aye, sir!”

oOo

Jim sat at a small table near the back of Bones’ favorite bar with two of his favorite people, Gaila and Uhura.  He had needed company tonight and he knew both of these women were missing Bones as well.

Gaila tilted her head, “Jim, you have got to stop acting like you are in mourning.  Leonard is not dead.  He is just on a mission.”

“I can’t help it.  I have a really bad feeling about this.”  A gut feeling, and Jim had a highly honed gut instinct that had seen him through more crises than his friends knew.  He had learned to trust his instincts and right now, every nerve was screaming at him that something was wrong.  Jim knew they didn’t understand and it was something he couldn’t quite explain to them, not without revealing too much about his past.  He just knew that his instincts had never failed him before, but he sure as hell hoped there was a first time for everything.

“Well, no news is good news.  If something were really wrong, you would have been notified,” Uhura soothed.

Jim tried to take solace in that thought as he stared despondently at the empty glass on the table in front of them.  Gaila reached for the bottle of Bourbon and filled Jim’s glass, Uhura’s glass, her own and lastly, the empty one. 

Jim raised his glass and sat a moment in thought, before toasting.  The toast Bones had shared with him on Remembrance Day ‘To absent friends,’ ran through his mind, but it reminded him too much of the dead.  Jim wasn’t particularly superstitious, but he refused to jinx his friend with that toast, so he kept it short and sweet, “Here’s to you, Bones.  If you know what’s good for you, you’ll get your ass back here as soon as possible.” He leaned forward and tapped his shot glass against the one in the middle of the table.

Gaila giggled, “Or else!  Cheers!”

Uhura added, “To Leonard.”

All three drank their shots and slammed the glasses down on the table.  Gaila picked up the empty one and handed it to Jim.  “You know he would want you to have it.”

“No.  He would have complained that it was swill, but drank it anyway.”

Jim looked down into the glass, and said quietly, “God, I miss him,” before tipping the glass up and draining it.  He set the glass down gently beside the others, before taking a deep breath and standing.  “Thanks, guys, I think I’ll head back.”  Jim leaned down and gave Gaila a quick peck on the lips.  He looked expectantly at Uhura who was staring him down with a dark dangerous glint in her eye.  “Right.  See ya.”  He waved over his shoulder as he left.

“Would it kill you to be a little more supportive?  I know you like him more than you let on.  Would it be so bad to let him in on the secret?”

“He has grown on me, but no, I’m not going to give Jim Kirk the satisfaction of knowing that.”

Uhura watched Jim leave.  She couldn’t help noting that Jim’s behavior did seem suspiciously like grieving.  It was almost as if Jim didn’t expect Leonard to return and she couldn’t figure out why he was having such an extreme reaction to his going on a training mission.

 

oOo

“Daddy Jim!”  That never failed to put a smile on his face.  How could he not help but reflect the simple joy in Joanna’s face when she saw him?

“Hey, Jojo!”

“Is Daddy home today?”

“Oh, I’m sorry Sugarbug, but Daddy is still on his training mission.”

“Aww.  I wanted to show him the picture I colored for him.”

The disappointed look on her little face pulled at his heart strings.  It couldn’t be allowed to continue. 

“Well, why don’t you show me?  I can take a screen shot of it and send it to him, how would that be?”  Jim knew he wouldn’t be able to get a data packet to Bones, but the happy look on Jo’s face was worth the guilt of the little white lie.  Besides, he could save it and give it to Bones when he returned.

Jo held up a picture that was obviously of her Daddy pushing her on the swing in Eleanora’s yard.  He took the shot as she held the paper to the screen. 

“See?  Just like when you came to visit!”

They chatted for a few minutes before the conversation turned to the inevitable question.

“When is Daddy going to be home Daddy Jim?”

“Honey, he will be home as soon as he can.  I’m sure he misses you very much, but he has a very important job to do.”

“He helps people get better.”

“That’s right.  He’s helping people get better.  But don’t you worry your Daddy will be home soon and I happen to know for a fact that he loves you very much.”

“As much as he loves you, Daddy Jim?” 

Jim’s heart clenched as the truth slipped past his lips, “No, Jojo, he loves you way more than he loves me.”  He stumbled at the sad look on her face, “But that’s ok, cuz he has enough love to go around.”

“I love you, Daddy Jim.”

“I love you to sweetie.  Now, I see your mommy in the background and I think it’s time for you to have your bath and get to bed, so I’m going to say, goodnight.”

“‘Night, Daddy Jim.”  She looked sad again.

“You know, it’s ok to wish your Daddy a goodnight too.  I’m sure he is thinking of you wherever he is right now.”

“Yeah?”  She looked excited at that prospect.  “Ok, then, goodnight Daddy!  Wherever you are!”

“Night, sweetie.  I’ll talk to you soon.”  Jim terminated the transmission and sat staring at the blank screen.

“Goodnight, Bones.  Wherever you are.”

 

oOo

The blast played out around him in slow motion.  His vision narrowed and the sounds of the field faded into the background as Len grabbed the closest wounded crewman and shoved him forward to the corpsman at the shuttle door.  He was hyper aware of everything happening around him as he noted the location of each of the away team members.  Evans and Littlefield were bringing up the rear, laying down a suppressing cover of fire, Knight and Evans were hastily stowing cargo and Henderson, the pilot was prepping for takeoff. 

Jim called his name and he paused.  That wasn’t right.  Jim wasn’t here.   He turned at the sound of his name and was just wondering when Evans had learned to fly when the shock wave slammed into him, stealing his breath and throwing him back against the side of the shuttle.  His last thought as the light slipped away was that he couldn’t possibly have heard Jim.

 

oOo

Admiral Archer’s aid entered the lecture hall and glanced in Jim’s direction and his blood ran cold.  A sudden sensation of the warmth dissipating from the room left him cold and shaking.  Professor Alden motioned to him to come forward and he mechanically collected his things.  The walk to the front of the room took an inordinate amount of time, each footfall taking him closer to the news he had been begging for, but dreading.  If they were notifying him as Bones’ next of kin, then the news wasn’t good. 

 

“Cadet Kirk, at ease.”

Archer indicated the chair in front of his desk.

Kirk only moved to stand at parade rest.  “If you don’t mind, sir, I’d prefer to stand.”

Archer looked at him sympathetically and his stomach churned, “I understand.”

He looked down and shuffled through the PADDs on his desk, selected one and perused the data it contained.  “I see that you are listed as Cadet McCoy’s next of kin?”  He looked up for verification.

“Yes, sir,” he answered quietly.  He could feel the cold sweat starting to break out across his forehead and upper lip, but refused to break his stance to wipe it away.  He focused instead on a spot on the far wall to the right of Archer’s head.

“It’s highly unusual for one cadet to list another cadet as next of kin.”  He didn’t know if Archer was fishing for information, but Jim only focused harder on the wall.  He just waited for him to say the words that would bring his world crashing down.

“I see here that Cadet McCoy has given you his medical power of attorney.”

Jim couldn’t hear what Archer was saying.  He could feel his arms and legs slowly going numb, his chest getting tighter with each shallow breath, his blood beginning to buzz in his ears. 

“Cadet Kirk?”  Archer asked again sharply.  Jim focused back on the Admiral, apparently he had missed something.

“Yes, sir?”

“Son, are you feeling all right?” 

“Yes, sir.” 

Archer looked at him dubiously, but continued, “I said that Cadet McCoy has also given you his medical power of attorney.”

“Sir?  I’m sorry, sir.  I don’t understand.”  Jim was confused because this wasn’t something they had discussed.  He knew Bones had listed him as next of kin, because they had agreed to that, but power of attorney?  Did that mean that Bones was still alive, but in need of medical care?

“Did you not know he had designated you as his advocate?”

“No, sir.  I mean, we had talked about him being mine since he’s my personal physician, but I didn’t know he had chosen me as his.”

“He must think highly of you, Kirk, to designate you over a colleague.”

“Sir, is Bo-, Cadet McCoy alright?”

Archer took a deep breath and sized Jim up one more time.  “I know that Pike speaks highly of you, Kirk…”

“Thank you?”  Jim knew his confusion must be showing on his face.  Where was this going?  What was wrong with Bones and what did Pike have to do with anything.

“I can’t go into any detail, but I need to inform you that Cadet McCoy has been injured in the line of duty.”

“What happened?”  Jim’s military decorum went right out the window.  He broke his stance and slammed his hands down on the admiral’s desk and leaned toward him, “How is he?  Where is he?  Can I see him?”

“Hold your horses, Kirk.  It’s not like I’ve got him hidden here somewhere.  I can’t give you specifics, all I can say is that McCoy was involved in a sensitive mission and there was an unexpected confrontation and Cadet McCoy was gravely injured.

Gravely?  Jim mouthed the word.  “What does that mean?  Is he going to be alright?”

“Now settle down.  They assure me that he will recover, but the short term prognosis is serious.  He’s being transported back to Earth, but due to his location, it will take longer than hoped.”

“What’s wrong with him?”

“He was caught in close proximity to a photon explosion.”  Jim’s sharp intake of breath caused the elderly admiral’s eyes to soften.  “Most of his injuries are pretty straight forward and are being treated on the ship bringing him home.” 

“But?”

Archer sighed, “But, there are several complications that they just aren’t equipped to deal with in deep space.  He requires a specialist.”

“Ok.  Well, that’s ok, right?  They’ll bring him here to medical and he’ll be alright, right?”  Jim cast about trying to read between the lines at what the admiral wasn’t saying.

“They have every expectation that, with proper and timely treatment, he will make a full recovery.”

That was one too many disclaimers for Jim’s comfort.

Proper and timely.  Well SF Medical was one of the leading medical facilities in the Federation, so the problem must be time.

“How long until he’s back?”  He asked quietly.

Archer looked away, and Jim watched him straightening the PADDs on his desk absently.  “Six days.”

Jim straightened up, “ _Six days?”_   Six days.  He ran his hand through his hair thinking frantically, “Can’t they push it at a higher warp?

“They’re already travelling at warp 8.”

Jim looked up stunned.  What Archer was telling him was that Bones was hurt, time was of the essence, they were bringing him back at the highest speed possible and it was still going to take six days.  Wherever the fuck they were, they were way the hell out in deep space. 


	8. Chapter Eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I divided the last chapter again, I know, but I promise the next one will be the last. I didn't want to delay this part any further while I focused on the ending. I was starting to second guess myself, so I decided it was time to post this before I changed it again. My apologies for all the angst, I seem to thrive on it. 
> 
> Trigger Warning - there is a mention of cutting in this chapter.
> 
> Also, please note, I will be changing the rating on this story when I post the last chapter. It probably should have been rated mature to begin with, but it will definitely need it for chapter nine. 
> 
> Enjoy.

_“How long until he’s back?”  He asked quietly._

_Archer looked away, and Jim watched him straightening the PADDs on his desk absently.  “Six days.”_

oOo

Day 2 - USS Armstrong

Len swam his way towards consciousness.  It was a similar sensation to trying to break the surface of the lake back home after diving deep, the pressure on his ears, his vision blurred by the water, the drag of it weighing him down. 

As he broke the surface of the water, he tried to blink away whatever was obscuring his vision.  He wanted to shake the water from his ears and wipe his eyes, but his arms were too heavy to lift.

He slowly became aware of his surroundings and the narrow mattress of a biobed beneath him, the smell of recycled air telling him he was most likely in medbay on a ship.  The throbbing in his head was beating a rhythm which pulsed in counterpoint to the thrumming that seemed to surround him.  He strained to listen, but was confused by the silence.  Any medbay he had ever served in had never been this silent.  His skull protested the slight movement as he attempted to locate the sound that seemed to emanate from beneath him.  It took a moment for him to realize that he wasn’t hearing the hum so much as feeling it reverberating through the ship to the bed to his body.  The movement, in addition to aggravating his splitting headache, punched up his nausea and revealed some type of packing in his right ear.  It was then that he remembered the blast.  He had been so close that he must have ruptured his ear drums. That would explain the silence. 

He took a moment to internally catalog his other injuries, focusing on each part of his body and assessing how it felt before attempting any more movement.  He had a throbbing headache, when he tried to take a deep breath pain flared in his back and chest, his skin felt hot and tight and he was trapped in a silent world.  He cleared his throat and found it raw.  When he finally managed to crack an eye open the pain sent him reeling.  Even though the medbay lighting had been dimmed, it still sent a dagger sharp blade straight to his brain which aggravated his apparent concussion.  He knew he was concussed because of the nausea that moving his head caused. 

He was a little surprised when he wasn’t able to focus his vision.  The room in the unusually dark medbay appeared murky and barely visible through some kind of fog.  Was it from the pain, the concussion?  A concussion would blur his vision, but this opaque cloud blocking his sight was something else altogether.  He allowed only a moment of panic before forcing it down and switching back to a detached clinical analysis as he ran down his last memories of the blast with medical protocols. 

The last thing he remembered was being blown backwards.  He had been standing in front of the shuttle.  If he’d been thrown against the shuttle, that would mean blunt force trauma injuries.  When he tried to move his arms and legs he found that he couldn’t move and had to fight down a moment of panic at the thought of paralysis before he realized that he had been immobilized. 

His attention was captured by a breeze across the left side of his face and he turned his eyes in that direction, he could vaguely discern the shape of a person off the bed to his left and was startled when a warm hand touched his cheek. 

A light, barely brighter that the surrounding fog, seemed to be shining before him, probably trying to assess pupillary response.  If he were his patient, he would expect a sluggish and uneven response. 

As uncomfortable as he was, he chose to focus on his training and the knowledge that all of the injuries he could feel were relatively minor and easy to treat.  It would be a few days of regeneration therapy for his bones.  His ears would probably require minimal surgical intervention, maybe even synthetic tympanic membranes depending on the severity of the damage.  What worried him most were his eyes, as it would any patient.  If he were counseling a patient, he would be quick to reassure them that as finicky as eyes could be, they had come a long way in being able to repair most damage.  The one thing he wasn’t able to predict was exactly how much damage he had sustained without seeing the scans.  Yeah.  And that sure as hell wasn’t likely in this state. 

But unless he was exposed to a heavy dose of radiation from the blast as well as the blast injury itself, he would most likely regain full sight in time.  How much time was the real unknown.  The way his skin felt tight and dry, like a burn, made him wonder if he _had_ been exposed to radiation as well.  That could be a game changer as far as his eyes were concerned. 

Having been on the other side of this scenario, he knew it could be a challenge to communicate with an essentially deaf and blind patient, so he attempted to clear his throat to speak.  At least he could communicate with the staff relatively easily, if not the other way around.

The first time he tried to speak he realized that he couldn’t tell if any sound was coming out.  But figuring that it was like any dehydrated post-trauma patient, his voice would be hoarse from disuse, he attempted to clear his throat and speak again.  When his request for water was met a few seconds later by the cold hard edge of a glass being placed against his lower lip, he nodded gratefully and took several small sips.  He didn’t need to hear the admonishment to go easy on the water, his stomach was reminding him of that quite forcefully, thank you very much.

 

oOo

Admiral Archer wasn’t able, or perhaps willing, to give any more specifics on Bones’ location or his injuries and Jim had left the admiral’s office with his mind spinning all sorts of ghastly scenarios. 

The days moved along at a snail’s pace as Jim waded through each one weighed down with dread.  He struggled to focus on his classes and assignments, but found his mind drifting. 

He tried to keep busy, tried to focus on the rituals that settled his mind.  He still got up every morning and made Bones’ cup of coffee.  He set it out on the table where Bones had left the last medical journal he had been reading.  It was still open to his page and Jim made sure he didn’t disturb it or lose his place.  After he fixed his own coffee he would sit across from the one cooling on the table and try to eat something, anything.  He wasn’t usually too successful and considered it an achievement if he managed to choke down a bowlful of cereal.  God, Bones would be so pissed. 

At lunchtime he avoided the mess hall and the accompanying boisterous cadets.  He wasn’t in the mood to chat and he sure as hell didn’t want anyone asking him any questions about Bones, so in between classes he would check on Bones’ research samples.  He had become a common sight in the medical labs and no one questioned his presence any more.  They greeted him warmly and allowed him to flip through the night’s findings and download the results to Bones’ PADD.  He was grateful that Bones’ colleagues were stepping in to keep the project on task and it made Jim feel useful to be able to do this for his friend.  When Bones did return and was ready to get back to work, he would have everything he needed to continue where he’d left off. 

Jim had a lot of time on his hands because he barely ate or slept.  So, if he wasn’t studying, in classes or following up on Bones’ research he was working the math. 

He had extrapolated every possible location Bones’ team could have gone given their travel time and warp speed.  He’d established a radius around Earth and figured the most likely areas of Federation influence.  Then he’d factored in any information he could glean regarding each planet’s status within that zone.

Jim’s family had been in the ‘fleet for generations and Jim had been brought up in a politically connected household. His connections had given him a rare insight into the workings of diplomacy.  In short, he was undeniably well informed and well connected for a Starfleet cadet.  Archer probably didn’t realize what Jim could do with the little information he had let slip, but Jim managed to put together a list of potential planets that could have been their destination.  Not that that information helped him any. It didn’t bring Bones home any sooner, or less hurt.  But it did give Jim something to do with his very large and active brain, which in turn settled a little more of his anxiety.

 

oOo

Day 3 - USS Armstrong

Over the course of the previous 48 hours Len had found himself examined, treated and sedated.  All with no accompanying explanation, but he was able to let the doctors and nurses know he was aware of his injures and the expected treatments.  He was even able to work out a form of sign language with the nurses where they squeezed his hand to answer his questions, but it was hard not being able to receive any information.  He could only make suppositions and wait to have them either confirmed or denied.  He was able, through a lengthy Q&A, to find out that his hearing would likely return, but would require surgery, surgery that would be performed once his other injuries had been dealt with.  He knew they were headed back to Earth and that he would be transferred to Starfleet medical upon arrival.  But about his eyes, the doctors seemed to be reluctant to answer his questions, or were unable to clearly communicate the complexities of his condition.   That was about all he was able to glean through the tedious asking of questions and waiting to hit upon the appropriate response for an answer. 

It was all very tiring and he wasn’t able to think too clearly with the pain in his head.  He wasn’t able to remain awake for long periods of time and he knew when he was being sedated, when they were pushing medications through his IV ports, by the rush of cold in his veins and the accompanying flushed feeling.  He knew it was necessary since he had to be placed in a stasis field to allow the osteo-regenerators to repair all of his fractures, a tedious process that would require several hours of treatment and would need to be repeated over the coming days to guarantee optimal ossification.

His days passed in a haze where he was caught between sleeping and waking.  It was hard to tell in his condition when he slid from one state to the other.  He had a clarity in his dreams that made them more real than his reality, a clarity that he was sorely lacking when he was awake and it lent an insubstantial quality to his conscious hours that made them more dreamlike than real.  When he slept, Jim twined through his thoughts and dreams.  When he woke he had a hard time grasping the tendrils of his dreams and the images he wanted to hold close, they slipped away like smoke mingling into the fog of his conscious hours.  He was only aware that time was passing and that it was passing very slowly.

 

oOo

Jim stood in front of the open door of his closet lost in his worry.  Instead of focusing on getting ready for class he found his eyes falling on the bag shoved to the back of his closet.  He dragged it out and upended it, dumping all of his extra clothing onto the floor.  When he didn’t see what he wanted he got down on his knees and started tossing articles of clothing off the pile until he uncovered the small black box.  He clutched it in his hand, desperate to have something which tied him to Bones, he opened the box and retrieved their wedding bands.  His breath hitched at the feel of the cold metal in his hand. 

The last time he had held Bones’ ring it had been warm, warmed by his body.  Now it was cold and it felt like an omen.  He closed his hand around the ring and waited for it to warm before he dared open his hand again.  He slid the ring onto his finger, it was larger than his own and it was too loose, so he slid his band in beside it to keep it in place.  With both wedding bands on his hand, he climbed up onto the bed and curled himself into a ball and screwed his eyes shut, refusing to let the tears fall. 

It wasn’t supposed to be like this.  They were supposed to go into the black together.  He was supposed to be there to keep Bones safe.  He knew how much Bones hated space travel.  It was something they had been working on, but they thought they’d have another year before he would be expected to serve on a starship.  And now Bones was hurt and no one could tell him how badly.  Jim wasn’t a patient man.  He was a man who was used to action and all this waiting was debilitating to him.  It was eviscerating.

 

oOo

Day 4 - USS Armstrong

The days stretched on, but Len really had no real concept of time.  It seemed like he had been hovering in a state of limbo for weeks.  The small fragments of time he was conscious were jumbled into a confusing hodgepodge of being prodded, being fed, and painful treatments followed by long blissful periods of oblivion. 

Healing was hard work and his body resented any attempt at movement.  His every muscle protested strenuously to keep him in a reclining position which did nothing but aggravate the stiffness and pain in his joints from inactivity.  Once the doctors and nurses had moved past the basic levels of regeneration, they began a conservative course of limited physical therapy. 

Someone would come in twice a day and manipulate his arms and legs, massaging his sore muscles and working his joints.  The heated liniment that was applied reminded him of something similar he had used on the horses back home.  He really would rather they just left him alone, but he knew it was necessary to counteract the atrophy that would begin to set in after so long of being immobile, even if it was painful.  After his therapy came the blissful peace that came with heavy duty painkillers.  They muffled his aching body, wrapping it in a blanket of contentment and soothed him to sleep. 

 

oOo

Jim stood in the shower letting the water run across his shoulders trying to ease the tension that was exacerbating his headache.  He leaned his forehead against the cool tiles and let the hot water massage away the knots in his back.  He was trying to keep his mind a blank, trying still the endless cycle of worry. 

He stayed in the shower until the water ran cold, but he still wasn’t able to escape his dark thoughts.  He was toweling his hair dry when he noticed Bones’ emergency med kit on the shelf by the bathroom sink.  He slowly pulled on his uniform pants aware of the kit in the corner of his eye, then pulled his t-shirt over his head.  He stood staring at the kit sitting on the shelf before he reached over and toyed with the zipper pull, he looked guiltily over his shoulder at the silent empty apartment through the open door. 

He hesitated a moment before pulling the kit down and setting it on the counter.  He had looked through the kit before, Bones had even asked him to retrieve items from it for him, but for some reason he felt like this was off limits.  It should be off limits without Bones there, after all Jim had no real medical training, even if he knew how to use most of the contents.  Jim had picked up a lot of his knowledge through hands-on experience and necessity, the rest he had picked up through observation, and watching Bones was very educational.  So, he wasn’t unfamiliar with the contents of Bones’ kit, even if he had never actually used the items himself. 

Jim played with the pull a moment longer before slowly unzipping the kit.  He ran his fingers over the hyposprays and vials of drugs before they settled on the items that were tempting him most.  The scalpels.  There were two kinds in this kit, one laser and the one Jim fingered absently, traditional.  He knew the blade was kept incredibly sharp.  Bones took good care of his medical equipment because he used it, it wasn’t just for show.  If he had a credit for every time Bones had lectured him on the need for medical practitioners to understand the instruments and treatments from the past as well as the current technology, he would be a rich son of a bitch.

He could hear Bones now, bitching that “most doctors nowadays don’t even know how to use a real goddam scalpel!  They rely on their damn tech for everythin’.  It’s a wonder they can wipe their asses without a tricorder tellin’ ‘em they need to.  Lazy bastards.” 

The corners of Jim’s mouth quirked up at the sound of Bones’ voice in his head, but he forcibly put him out of mind.  He really didn’t want to hear what Bones was going to say next.

Jim pulled the scalpel from its place in the kit and ran his thumb along the short sharp blade.  A blade like that could part his skin with almost no pain.  No, the pain would come later and Jim would welcome it and how it would take his mind off the pain in his chest.  He ran the blade very shallowly across the soft skin of his forearm leaving barely a scratch.  He stood looking at that dusky pink line and imagining that it was welling red.  His eyes flicked back to the kit, to the portable dermal regenerator that Bones had used on him numerous times after he came home bleeding from a bar fight.  That was one thing that Bones just didn’t seem to understand about him, his need to hurt.  That sometimes he needed the pain to clear his head.  Bones would give him that disappointed look and then fix him.

Bones spent all of his time trying to fix him.  

It was that thought that finally allowed Jim to master his demons and return the scalpel to the kit, zip it closed decisively and shove it back into its spot on the shelf. 

Instead, Jim went about the usual rituals of his days.  They helped, but they couldn’t banish the heavy sense of dread.  When Jim was feeling overwhelmed and his anxiety was becoming paralyzing and he felt the most desperate urges licking at his mind, instead of turning to past destructive behaviors, he turned instead to the rings.  The solid real reminders that Bones had promised to always return.  He remembered Bones’ words after their marriage ceremony, “I plan on being by your side wherever this journey takes us.  No matter what happens, I will always be there for you.”  He would replay those words and feel the comforting weight of the rings and it would calm him. 

 

oOo

Day 5 - USS Armstrong

When he was lucid Len wondered about Jim.  Had they contacted him?  He knew Jim wouldn’t have taken his disappearance well, but there was nothing he had been able to do about that.  He’d tried to get permission to contact him, but with the secret nature of the mission, he’d been denied. 

His disappearing on Jim again was bad enough, but if Jim had been informed as his medical proxy about his injuries he would be beside himself.  He would be left to worry without any real way to help and he knew Jim hated feeling helpless.  He had considered asking to comm Jim, but he was pretty sure communications were still restricted.  Besides, all it would serve to do would be to worry Jim more if he saw him like this.  He did think to ask the nurse the next time she made her presence known, how much longer it would be until they reached Earth.  He was heartened when he deciphered that they were only one day out.  It wouldn’t be long now.  With that thought Len succumbed once again to the tranquilizing effect of the painkillers and drifted into the first really restful sleep he’d had in days.

 

oOo

As the day approached when Bones was expected back, Archer was kind enough to keep Jim posted, even if the information was nothing more than that the ship was on schedule.  He still hadn’t been given any specifics on what to expect, but he did know that his presence would be required at the hospital and that the doctor’s would consult with him on treatment plans.

As Bones’ spouse Jim was legally granted medical power of attorney, the fact that Bones had taken the added step of designating it in writing since Starfleet hadn’t been informed of their marriage, meant that Bones trusted him regardless of their legal status.  It was an incredible demonstration of trust and he wouldn’t let Bones down.

 

oOo

Day 6 - USS Armstrong

The next time Len woke he was aware of a change in the atmosphere of the medbay.  There was a bustle of activity around him and he found himself being bundled from his biobed to a hover gurney.  He managed to rasp out, “Are we back?  Am I being transferred to the hospital?” 

There was a reassuring squeeze to his hand in the affirmative then the nurse was rubbing his arm.  He felt the cold sensation in that arm as she rubbed.  “More sedation?”  She indicated no, but didn’t remove her hand, leaving him to think of his next question.  “Painkiller?”  Yes.  He murmured his thanks and settled back onto the gurney. 

As he began to move several hands reached out to pat his arm in goodbye and he waved one hand in farewell as he was unmistakably moved into the corridor.  After several minutes, a rush of air and a hollow sensation let him know he was in a much larger space than the confines of the medbay now.  The shuttle bay?  His stomach flipped at the thought.  That thought and the movement of the gurney were aggravating his nausea and he hoped the doctor had thought to give him an antimetic as well as the painkillers.  If not, he wasn’t sure he could make this flight and maintain his dignity. 

“I may throw up on you,” he muttered to no one in particular and couldn’t help the small smile that memory brought to mind.  He noticed someone fussing with his IV line again and a few minutes later the rolling in his stomach settled.  Message received.  Whichever ship he was traveling on had to be commended.  They had a damn fine nursing staff.  When he was able, he would make sure to inform the CMO that they had good people.  If he ever did serve in the black, he would make sure his staff was equally competent.

He wondered briefly if anyone was accompanying him, or if he was on his own, when the gurney slowed to a stop.  He was surprised by a strong grip to his shoulder.  He opened his eyes, but was unable to make out who was standing beside him and was frustrated.

“Do I know you?” 

A strong hand took his and placed it on a sleeve.  He felt the raised stripes beneath his fingers, two solid stripes bracketing a broken stripe.  A captain.  That, along with the strong grip on his shoulder, made him think of Pike.

“Captain Pike?”  That earned him an enthusiastic patting on his hand.  OK.  So, Pike was accompanying him.  At least he wouldn’t be alone with strangers for the shuttle ride to the surface.  Pike was aware of his aviophobia and Len was reassured that he would be his advocate. 

He couldn’t help asking, “Sir?  Are we getting on the shuttle?”  The hand took a moment before it returned, like maybe Len had interrupted a conversation, but Pike patted his arm before taking hold of his hand as the gurney was moved up the incline into a smaller, more claustrophobic feeling space.  The air here was close and still and Len started to gasp for breath.  Pike squeezed his hand reassuringly and patted Len on the chest.  An oxygen mask was placed over his nose and mouth and Len gratefully took advantage of it, trying to slow his breathing and take deep breaths.  He felt himself being strapped securely into the gurney and it being locked into place.  Well, if he had to fly, deaf, blind and strapped to a bed heavily medicated was the way to go.

 

oOo

Jim was waiting on the landing pad outside of Fleet Medical when the shuttle touched down.  He had spoken with the doctors and gotten a preliminary briefing on Bones’ condition.  No decisions could be made until the doctors had a chance to assess his status and run their own tests, but at least he had finally been given an idea of what to expect. 

When the shuttle door opened Jim was surprised to see Pike exit, then walk down the ramp where he waited until a hover gurney was unloaded.  Jim’s eyes flew frantically over the occupant who was covered in blankets, his face obscured by an oxygen mask.  All he could really see was the shock of dark brown hair as it was wheeled past. 

“Jim.”

Jim ignored Pike.  If he knew what was good for him, he would keep his distance.

A hand was clamped around his arm as he turned to follow the medical team and gurney.  Jim attempted to wrench his arm free, but when he couldn’t he swung around and forced himself up into Pike’s personal space.  

“Let go of me!”

“Stand down, Cadet.  That’s an order.”  Pike replied evenly, his face a hard mask of authority.

“Get the fuck offa me!”  Jim shoved the older man back and wrenched his arm out of his grip.

“You want to consider your next words very carefully, Kirk.”

“I have nothing to say to you.  Sir.”  He bit out the honorific belatedly and bitterly.

“Well that’s too damn bad, because I have something to say to you and you are going to shut the fuck up and listen to me.  Do you understand, Cadet?”

Grudgingly Jim took a half step back.  He straightened to his full height and leveled the Captain with his glare.

“That’s better.”  He took in the hard look in Jim‘s eyes and continued a little softer, “I wanted to say that I’m sorry.”

That seemed to deflate Jim a little.

“I’m sorry that there wasn’t time to inform you of McCoy’s departure.”

Jim shifted uncomfortably and Pike could see the hurt child he was hiding. 

“I’m sorry, Jim.  This was a high-level diplomatic fuck up that we needed to fix.  We needed Starfleet’s best and McCoy is one of the best.  His skills as a trauma surgeon as well as the neural grafting techniques he helped pioneer were vital to the success of this mission.  He acquitted himself well.”

“How could you send an unarmed medic into a combat situation?”  The accusation hung thick in the air.

“It was McCoy’s choice.”

“And _you_ let him.”

“Jim, he’s a grown man, he’s a Starfleet officer, he’s trained and capable.  You can’t put him on a short leash, he won’t appreciate your interference.  Hell, he’ll even come to resent you.  You need to let him do his job.”  

Jim knew all this, he really didn’t need Pike chewing his ass about it. 

“You know medical is one of the most dangerous assignments on a starship, right?  Because McCoy sure as hell does.” 

Jim turned without another word and headed in search of Bones, leaving Pike standing alone on the shuttle pad.

 

oOo

Jim wasn’t able to see Bones right away, not until the initial exam was completed, and he waited, anxiously pacing the hallways, until Phil Boyce finally motioned him into his office. 

There were several other doctors present, a couple he had seen when visiting Bones during his clinic shifts.  After introductions had been made they outlined Bones’ injuries, the treatments he had already received and his prognosis. 

His fractures were healed, the beta burns nearly so.  The concussion would just take time and rest.  Jim knew from personal experience that it would affect Bones for several months.  His hearing could be corrected relatively easily, but it would require surgery.  Jim looked over the paperwork and pressed his thumb print to the forms authorizing the surgery to be scheduled immediately. 

Dr. Boyce accepted the PADD from Jim then continued, “The most worrisome problem which remains is the damage to Leonard’s eyesight.” 

Jim took in the concerned look on the older doctor’s face and fought to remain calm.  “What’s wrong with his eyes?” 

“He suffered radiation damage and has developed posterior subscapular cataracts.  His vision is clouded and will require surgery to correct.  Even so, it can result in a permanent decrease in his eyesight, of sharpness and focus.  It could also cause a loss of ability to see objects in bright light and an increased glare.”

Jim knew that what Boyce was saying could mean a loss in Bones’ ability to perform some of his duties.  Surgery for instance.  If that were the case, he could never serve as a CMO.  If that wasn’t bad enough, he might even be forced out of Starfleet altogether.

Boyce continued gently, “But we have every reason to believe that he’ll respond well to treatment.  He’s young and healthy.  Probably the only lingering side effect will be that he’ll need glasses after surgery.  It would be temporary though, to alleviate eye strain until his eyes have regained their strength.”

Jim heard everything Boyce was saying and tried to take comfort in the man’s years of experience.  He knew Bones trusted Boyce and that he was his medical academic advisor. 

Weighing the recommended treatment plans with the possible outcomes, factoring in the risk inherent in each while taking into consideration what he thought Bones’ wishes would be, really wasn’t much different than running battlefield scenarios in his Strategy and Warfare course.  The one variable which worried him most was wondering what Bones would choose if he had all of the same information. 

So, going with Boyce’s recommendations, Jim approved a longer course of treatment that was preferable because of the promise of a better outcome.   One thing Jim was unwilling to gamble with was Bones’ eyesight.  He didn’t want to be the one who stood in the way of Bones being able to practice medicine, even if he could never serve as his CMO.  However long it took, it would be worth it.

Once a course of treatment had been chosen, Jim was allowed to see Bones.

He had been told what to expect, but he still hadn’t been prepared.

Jim looked at Bones lying so still in the biobed.  The oxygen mask was gone, but he was hooked up to every manner of biomonitor, an IV and, Jim winced in sympathy, a catheter.  He approached cautiously and scanned the information flashing across the screens above his bed. 

He stopped beside Bones and took his first long look at his friend in months.  His skin was red, like first degree burns over most of his body, a mild radiation burn that just looked like he’d spent too long in the hot Georgia sun.  He had been told that the burn was already receding and should vanish in the next few days.  His broken bones and fractured ribs had been regenerated, as well as the skull fracture.  His concussion was continuing to affect his equilibrium and he was suffering with nausea and headaches.  The damage to his ears and eyes weren’t visible while he slept and if Jim allowed himself the delusion, he could almost pretend that Bones had fallen asleep on Eleanora’s porch and just gotten too much sun. 

But the busy beeping of the monitors and the constant stream of nurses in and out of the room getting him settled wouldn’t allow any such delusion.  Jim moved to the side of the bed and took up a chair next to the arm that was free of any tubing or sensors.  Bones’ right hand, his dominant hand.  Jim looked at the long fingers lying against the counterpane and barely restrained the urge to take them in his own.  He would wait until they had some privacy. 

 

A monitor beeped a soft alarm.  Jim knew enough to see that Bones was edging towards wakefulness.  He shifted in the bed, a soft moan escaping his lips in response to the pain the movement had caused.  Jim worried for a moment if he should find a nurse and see about more pain medication, but the selfish part of him didn’t want to snow the doctor again until he’d had a chance to see him awake.  So he waited.

Bones opened his eyes and blinked slowly.  Jim’s heart sunk into his stomach at the sight of the usually vibrant hazel eyes which were now cloudy, the flecks of gold and amber lost in the fog.  Bones blinked again and Jim braced himself against the wave of despair he felt at the emptiness in friend’s eyes, their usual warmth and humor gone. 

Jim reached out and wrapped Bones’ long fingers in his own, startling the doctor at his touch.  He turned his unseeing eyes in Jim’s direction with a puzzled look on his face. 

“Hi Bones.”  There was no response.  Jim had forgotten about his hearing, so instead, he leaned in and cupped Bones’ cheek with his free hand and placed a soft gentle kiss on Bones’ parted lips.  The doctor licked his lips in surprise and smiled.

“Jim.”  Jim ran his thumb across Bones’ bottom lip and felt the warm rush of his sigh against his fingers tips. 

“Did you get the number of the shuttle that hit me?”  Jim sniffed back his unshed tears, but couldn’t hold back the laugh.

Bones smiled.  He must have felt the reverberations of the laugh in the hand that clasped his tighter now.

Bones removed his hand from Jim’s and reached out blindly seeking the blond.  Jim leaned in again and let Bones find him.  The doctor ran his hand along his cheek and gently wiped away the tears that now refused to be held back.

“It’s nothin’, Jim.  Really.  I’ll be right as rain in no time.”  His words were belied by the searching hand that sought to pat his, the reassurance falling flat.

 

The surgery to repair both Bones’ tympanic membranes and remove the cataracts was scheduled for first thing in the morning.  Jim passed a restless night in the chair by his bed.  He couldn’t do much for Bones, they couldn’t really talk, couldn’t play cards, couldn’t watch vids.  So, what he did was he listened.  He sat by Bones, held his hand and listened while Bones told him funny little stories of the mission, when he ran out of things he was allowed to talk about, he started on stories of home.  His thoughts began to wander to Joanna and Jocelyn and his father.  When things got particularly painful Jim climbed up into the bed and gathered Bones to him.  The one thing he could do was comfort his friend, so that was what he would do.  

At 0500hrs the surgical team came to prep Bones.  He had finally fallen into a fitful sleep, marked by tossing and turning.  Jim watched as one of the nurses pushed the anesthesia into the IV line and Bones settled peacefully into the bed.  He took one last chance to brush his hand along Bones’ as the nurses unlocked the biobed from its moorings and pushed it towards the hallway.  Jim followed, but stopped at the doorway and watched as they moved towards the lift to the surgical suite.  He would wait here until they brought him back.

As the hours ticked by, Jim’s thoughts kept running to how he could possibly keep his best friend safe.  Jim had always thought that as CMO, Bones would serve safely aboard ship.  This mission was forcing him to rethink his best laid plans.  Maybe it would be better if Bones stayed on Earth.  _You can’t put him on a short leash…_ Jim groaned and pulled at his hair in frustration, leaving it standing on end. 

 

One of the surgeons came in while Jim was waiting for Bones to return from recovery and briefed him on the surgery.  Everything had gone as well as expected and there had been no major complications.  His ear drums had been repaired, so it was expected that when he woke, his hearing would be restored.  The cataracts had been removed, but Bones’ eyes would require further ocular regeneration treatments over the coming week.  They were bandaged for now, but the doctor assured Jim that those bandages could be removed the following day.  When Jim asked how much of his sight he could expect to have after the bandages were removed he was heartened to hear that any cloudiness should be gone, but he wouldn’t be able to focus his vision beyond general shapes until he had received further treatment.

Once Bones was settled and sleeping, Jim took the time to make several comm calls.  He spent the rest of the morning beside the hospital bed, Bones’ hand in his own. 

 

Len was awakened by a commotion in the hallway outside his room.  He could make out Jim’s voice and two other familiar voices.  It was the only warning he had before a heavy weight landed in his lap. 

“Daddy!”

Len winced, “Jojo!”  He immediately wrapped his arms around the bundle of energy that had attached itself to him.

Jim shushed the girl.  “Joanna, remember what I said about loud noises.  We need to use our quiet voices,” he admonished.

“Oh, sorry, Daddy!”  She whispered, sounding so apologetic that Len rushed to reassure her.

“It’s ok, sweetie.  I’m so happy you’re here.  I just wish I could see your pretty smilin’ face.”

Without hesitation, Joanna lifted one of his hands and placed it on her face.  He allowed his fingers to trace her cheek and lips which were indeed smiling.  Len pulled her in for a tight hug.

“Hello, Mama,” Len addressed the silent spot beside Jim. 

“Oh, Leo.”  His mother sounded choked up and he was unsurprised by the warm kiss on his cheek. 

“I’m gonna be ok, Mama.  Please, don’t worry.  I know I don’t look the best right now, but the bandages will be comin’ off in the mornin’.”

“I know.  Jim has explained everything to me.  But you can’t stop me from worrying, it’s what we mother’s do.”

Len’s stomach twisted guiltily as he realized that by making Jim his medical proxy, he had effectively cut his mother out of his care.  “Mama, I…,” he hesitated, fishing around for the right words to try to explain things to her.  Jim sensing the seriousness of the coming conversation took that cue to lift Joanna off of his lap.  Len wasn’t ready to let go of her yet, but he knew Jim understood that he needed to talk to his mother alone. 

“Hey, Jo.  Why don’t we go find the nurse and see if we can get your Daddy something to eat?”

“Thanks, Jim.”

“We’ll be back in a few minutes.”

Len listened until he heard the door shut and Joanna and Jim’s voices fade down the hallway.

“Mama, I, need to apologize to you.”  Len absently fingered the blanket in his lap.

“Leo…”

“No, let me finish, please.”  When there was no further protest, he continued, “I’m sorry about takin’ you off as my emergency contact.  I meant to talk to you about it, but everythin’ happened so fast.”

“Oh, Leo.  You don’t have to apologize.  It’s only fitting that your husband be listed as your next of kin.  I know you needed to do this for Joanna, but I think that maybe you should think about your feelings for Jim.  He deserves your honesty.”

Len knew he was blushing when his ears grew hot.  He was always transparent to his mother. 

“You have no idea what you put that boy through by leaving him again.  He has been beside himself since he found out you were hurt.  He’s done a marvelous job of keeping me informed and keeping Joanna from panicking.”

Part of Len was glad that he was able to hide behind the bandages and his mother couldn’t see his eyes, because he was sure they would have given him away. 

“I know, Mama.  I feel awful about not bein’ able to notify him before I left, but, well, there was a lot goin’ on at the time.  Jim was stayin’ elsewhere and wasn’t answerin’ my calls.”  He could feel the glare of disapproval being directed his way even if he couldn’t see it. 

“I don’t know what you two boys were fighting about, but was it really that important in the great scheme of things, considering all that happened afterwards?”

He shifted uncomfortably remembering the argument about Jim authorizing Joanna’s trip to Alcaeus that had resulted in him leaving their room.  He still didn’t know where Jim had spent those days and he hadn’t seen him before he left.  Come to think of it, he technically still hadn’t seen Jim since then.  The tapping sound of his mother tapping her toe on the linoleum transported him back to childhood and reminded him she was still waiting for an answer. 

“No, ma’am.  It was my fault, I overreacted.”

“Like a typical McCoy I’m sure.  Loudly and stridently.  Perhaps you should save your apology for Jim.”

“Yes, ma’am.  I’m sure you’re right.”

“I usually am.”

+ 

Jim had carried Joanna out and sat her on the counter that surrounded the nurse’s station.  She hopped down and wandered over to the end of the counter peeking around at the nurses.

One of the floor nurses approached him, “She’s adorable.  She yours?”

Jim looked the pretty nurse over and gave her his dazzling smile.  “Well, kinda.”  He would have loved to claim Joanna as his stepdaughter, but he was conscious of the fact that they were still within the confines of the academy grounds. 

“We were wondering if we could bring lunch in for her father, Dr. McCoy.”

“Oh sure, let me check on that.  I don’t think they ordered any dietary restrictions.”

“Daddy Jim!  Look, princess pages to color and crayons.”

While the nurse called up Bones’ file, Jim turned his attention to Joanna who was trying to show him the coloring pages one of the other nurses had given her. 

He knelt down to look and caught sight of Pike further down the hall talking with Dr. Boyce. 

“That’s great, Jo.”  He picked her up and settled her on his hip, but when he looked up Boyce and Pike were gone and the nurse had returned.  He didn’t have time to wonder if Pike had overheard Joanna calling him Daddy or not. 

“It looks like Dr. McCoy is on an unrestricted diet, so you’re free to bring in whatever he likes.  He hasn’t been eating much, so it might help to bring in some of his favorites.” 

Jim frowned at that news.  He knew Bones had looked thinner, but he hadn’t realized he still wasn’t eating.  All thoughts of Pike were pushed from his mind as he and Joanna began to scheme and headed off campus to bring Bones something special.

 

Len was a little embarrassed when Jim and Jo returned with his favorite meal, steak and mashed potatoes with gravy from the restaurant by the waterfront that he and Jim ate at on special occasions.  His mouth watered at the wonderful smells coming from the takeout containers, but his appetite was tempered by his unwillingness to eat.  “Maybe later, Jim.”

“No later, I want to see you eat that.”

+

That was when it dawned on Jim that that was precisely the problem.  Eleanora proceeded without comment to arrange Len’s dinner and cut his steak.  She offered the fork to Jim, deferring to him, and Jim accepted thinking Bones might be more comfortable if he did this versus his mother.  He thanked her silently and settled onto the bed by Bones, opening his own dinner and managing to feed them both from the containers on the table positioned over Bones’ bed.  He kept up a steady stream of chatter to take Bones’ mind off the fact that he was being fed and kept Joanna entertained at the same time.  He felt Bones lay an appreciative hand on his leg which sent a warm feeling through him as he continued chatting happily.

 

Jim returned later that evening after taking Eleanora and Jo to the shuttle terminal.  They had only been able to stay for the day, but it had been enough to assuage their fears and allow them to visit with Bones for a few hours.  He’d promised to keep them informed and have Bones comm them as soon as the bandages came off.

When he returned to the hospital room he found Bones awake, but quiet.  He had his PADD in his lap and Jim could see it was open to his medical records and paused in audible mode.

“Hey, Bones.  Whatcha listenin’ to?”

“Nothin’ really.  Can’t seem to concentrate.”

“Another headache?  Can I get you anything?  Call a nurse?”

“Naw, I’m fine, Jim.  Can you just sit a couple a minutes? 

“Sure, I don’t have any classes until tomorrow.  Boyce authorized my absences.”  Bones looked like he had something on his mind.  “What’s up?” 

Bones kept his head angled down, slightly tilted to one side.  Jim tried to picture what his expression would be without the bandages, but was at a loss.  It made it difficult to read his mood.

“Jim, I owe you an apology,” he said quietly.  “I’m real sorry about everythin’.  If I’d known…,” he shook his head.

“Hey,” Jim rushed to reassure him.  “No apology necessary, you didn’t know this mission was going to come up.”

“No.  You’re right, I had no control over that, but that’s not what I meant.”  Bones shifted in the bed trying to find a more comfortable position.  Jim helped him rearrange the pillows behind his back and he sighed as he settled back once again and continued.  “What I really wanted to apologize for was overactin’ about Jo all those months ago.  I shoulda realized that you only have her best interests at heart.  The whole reason we made this arrangement in the first place was to handle situations like this.  I do trust you.  I, I just get a little tetchy when it comes to Jo.  I haven’t had much control over anythin’ related to her in so long, I guess I was just, I don’t know, afraid to lose it again.”  Jim watched as he fidgeted with the PADD in his lap, his head still down.

“I’m real grateful for everythin’ you’ve done for her and Mama while I’ve been gone and I’m sorry that I argued with you and made you feel like you had to leave.” 

“It’s ok, Bones.  I get that and I did kinda overstep the boundary there.  I just didn’t want Jocelyn thinking I had to ask your permission for everything, but I get that I shouldn’t have taken that decision out of your hands.  It won’t happen again.”

Bones continued to chew at his lip.  A sign that something was still bothering him.

“Was that all?”

Bones shrugged.  “Can I ask you a question?  You don’t have to answer it if you don’t want to.”

That set Jim on alert.

“Yeah, ok.”

“Where did you go when you left?  I mean, you’re free to do whatever you want, don’t get me wrong.”

Jim hesitated a moment and Bones rushed on instead, “You know, never mind.  It’s none of my business who you spend your time with.”

Jim wasn’t sure what to say to that.  Did he want Bones thinking he was spending time with other people, as he clearly did?  Or did he want to admit that he had slunk off and hid out of spite like a four-year-old after their argument?  While he was trying to decide which option sounded less bad, Bones continued.

”I was a stubborn asshole, I shoulda called you sooner.”

Jim had to jump in here and say something. “Yeah, you should’ve, but maybe I was being an asshole by walking out.  I wish I’d answered your comm when you did call.  When I got back to the room, and you were gone again…”

“Yeah, I’m real sorry ‘bout that too, Jim.  They rushed us outta here and restricted all communications.  I tried, but Pike wouldn’t allow it.”

Jim didn’t answer right away.

Pike.  He was grateful that Pike had brought Bones back to him, but he had been avoiding thinking about what Pike had said on that shuttle pad.

“I was sleeping in an empty shuttle.”

“What?”

“It’s where I went when I left.  A friend told me about one of the med shuttles that was grounded for repairs.  That’s where I was.  I wasn’t with anyone else.”

“Oh.”  Bones looked a little confused.

“I just don’t want you thinking … when I wasn’t.”

“I’m sorry, Jim, I know it ain’t any of my business.”

“Why not?”

“Why not?” Bones looked more confused.

“Yeah, why isn’t it your business?  We are married after all.”

+

Len laughed self-consciously.  Was Jim serious, or was he joking?

Len thought he was probably joking, so he responded in kind.  “Yeah, we’re married, but not like that.  And besides, it wouldn’t be the first time my spouse cheated on me.”  Which really wasn’t a joking matter to him, but he didn’t know what else to say.  It really didn’t lighten the mood any.

“I didn’t cheat, Bones.”  Jim sounded serious.

“Course not, nothing to cheat on right?” Len asked with a forced cheerful tone. 

“Yeah, right,” Jim said with what sounded like, what?  Resignation? 

Len had never really realized how much he depended on being able to read Jim’s facial expressions and body language.  Without that knowledge and only the tone of his voice to go by, Len felt like he was missing the subtleties of the conversation.   He was missing layers of meaning in what Jim wasn’t saying.  He was feeling frustrated with the inability to see Jim and wanted to change the subject. 

He searched around the bed for the PADD that had slipped away.  When he found it, he indicated the paused report.  “I was just reviewing the surgical notes and I wanted you to know that I’m in complete agreement with the course of treatment that you approved.  You did good, Jim.  I guess I chose the right person as my proxy.  I’m sorry I didn’t get a chance to tell you that I gave you my medical power of attorney.  I didn’t think there was any hurry.”

“Yeah, a heads up might have been nice, asshole.” 

Len knew Jim was deflecting praise by moving back to the comfortable ground of bickering they enjoyed, so he gave him the expected response, “Fuck you.”

“You wish.”  Was the usual reply.

Yeah, he really did.  Was the unexpected response in his chest. 

Fuck.

 

oOo

Several days later, Pike came to visit.  Leonard was resting comfortably.  The surgeries had been successful and his vision was slowly improving.  He still wasn’t able to see clearly, but he could make out general facial expressions and could identify who he was speaking with.  He was looking forward to the last of the ocular regeneration treatments which was scheduled for the next day.  After that he would be fit with glasses and discharged.  He would be on light duty for a week, but he would be allowed to return to his research since he had been unenrolled from his classes.  It would take another month or so for his eyes to recover sufficiently to return to his clinic rotations and he would need to pass a requalification before he would be allowed to perform surgery again.  Because there was no fucking way he would consider any other possibility. 

The wait seemed daunting, but at least he would be out of this damn bed.  He was tired of being poked and prodded and he just wanted an uninterrupted night of sleep in his own bed. 

Len was able to identify Pike as he approached.

“Nice to see you up and about, McCoy.”

“Well, I don’t know how mobile I am yet, I’m still a little unsteady on my feet, but I’m sure as hell lookin’ forward to gettin’ outta here.”

They exchanged small talk for several more minutes before the conversation turned toward the mission.

“What the hell was that you did to Ensign Ivers anyway?”

“Left anterior thoracotomy.”

“Damndest thing I’ve seen in quite some time.”

“How’s he doing?”

“He’s going to be fine, thanks to you.”  Pike frowned.

Len leveled him with his gaze.  “Just doin’ my job,” he said evenly. 

Pike looked troubled by that comment.  “What’s on your mind, Chris?”  When no response was forthcoming he continued, “You got somethin’ to say, just say it.”

“What the fuck were you thinking?”

Len’s look hardened.  “I was thinkin’ that if I didn’t get his heart started he’d die.  That’s all I was thinkin’.”

“I told you, no, I ordered you, to stay put.  You disobeyed a direct order.”  Pike’s voice took on a hard edge, but this wasn’t the reprimand that Len had been expecting.  This was clearly unofficial and since they were still having a personal conversation, he said what was on his mind.

“Did you honestly think you could order me to let a man die?”

“Hell, if I ordered you to kill a man, you would be required to follow that order.”

“I wasn’t carryin’ that damn phaser.  I’m a doctor, I took an oath to do no harm.”

“We’ll see how long you keep your pretty oath when someone you care about is in the other guy’s crosshairs.”

“My oath isn’t a guideline on how I live my life, Chris, it’s the reason I live my life.”  But his certainty wavered slightly at the image of Jim that came unbidden to mind.  Could he take a life to save his own life?  Probably not.  Could he take a life to save Jim’s?  A dark part of him thought, yes, yes he could, and it scared him. 

Pike regarded him thoughtfully, “Maybe Starfleet was the wrong career choice for you, Doctor.” 

“Maybe it was,” Len returned quietly.

+

Pike knew that he and McCoy had a fundamental difference of opinion, but he knew there were areas where McCoy could serve without compromising his principles.  He just didn’t think that included serving on a starship.  He knew Jim wanted him by his side, but he personally wanted someone by Jim’s side who would do whatever it took to protect the kid.  Unless McCoy could reconcile himself to doing the job that needed to be done, not just the one he wanted to do, then maybe a planet side posting was in his best interests. 

Pike looked around the room, his eyes resting on the PADDs on the bedside table.  “Have you seen Jim lately?”

“You just missed him.”  Len picked up on the hint.  “ _You_ haven’t seen him lately.”

Pike looked down at his hands in his lap, “He keeps coming up with excuses to cancel our scheduled meetings.” 

“And you let him get away with it?” 

“He’s having a hard time coping with some difficult news.” 

Len eyed him suspiciously.  “What news?”

“I’m giving him some time to get his shit together.  Let’s just say he’s finally having to confront reality.” 

When Pike left, Len was left with an uneasy feeling in his gut.  He had disobeyed a direct order.  He had gone back out on the field to retrieve Ivers against orders.  He had a swirling feeling of guilt that he had essentially chosen an unknown ensign over Jim.  He couldn’t have done anything else, he had taken an oath, but his performance on this mission may just have ruined his chances of ever serving with Jim.

 

oOo

Len was finally home.  After completing his last ocular regeneration therapy he was firmly ensconced on the sofa in the dorm he shared with Jim.  Jim had taken him to pick up his glasses then brought him back and insisted that he lay on the sofa while he covered him in more blankets than he thought the two of them owned combined.  With the new glasses he could see Jim more clearly than he had since the bandages had come off.  While the kid moved around the room making him comfortable he was able to observe him without his noticing.  What he saw caused him some concern.

“Jim.  Jim.  Hey, stop for two seconds would ya?  You’re makin’ me queasy with all that motion.”  Len closed his eyes and settled his head back against the sofa blocking out Jim’s frenetic movements which were making his stomach queasy to track.  It was going to take time and rest to get past this concussion.  He opened his eyes after he felt Jim sit next to him on the sofa and looked him over critically.  He looked tired and drawn.  He was definitely thinner than Len remembered and there were dark circles under his eyes.  The kid looked wiped. 

“When was the last time you ate somethin’ kid?  And you better not tell me it was dinner last night.”

Jim looked at him sheepishly.

“Dammit, Jim.”  Len started to lever himself up off the sofa, but Jim stopped him.  

“What’re you doing Bones?”

“I’m getting my kit.”

+

“What?  Why?”  Jim panicked.  If Bones scanned him he was pretty sure what he found wouldn’t be good.  He’d spent the last two months since Bones had disappeared subsisting on apples, coffee and bourbon, with the occasional bowl of cereal thrown in to balance his diet.  It might also show how little sleep he’d been getting.    

“Look, I’m supposed to be taking care of you here.”  Bones was looking a little green and he reluctantly allowed Jim to settle him on the sofa again.

“Yeah, well, I’ll let it go for now, but the next time I get a chance to scan you, you better have eaten.”

“Sure thing, Bones.  How about I go get us something to eat?”

Bones looked like he wanted to say no, but knew that if he did Jim probably wouldn’t eat either, so he nodded slowly.  Jim could tell he was trying not to move too much.  All of the activity of getting back to the dorm was catching up with him. 

“Maybe some soup from Mama Leone’s?  That might help settle your stomach.”

“Whatever you want, Jim, as long as you get something, too and something more substantial than soup.”

Jim couldn’t help the smile that came to his face.  He felt guilty about making Bones worry, but he had missed this.  He had missed having someone give a damn about whether he ate or not.  It wasn’t about the food, not for him, it was the mere fact that someone cared about him.  He would have to take better care of himself now that Bones was back.  He didn’t want him finding out just how badly he had neglected his own health while he was gone.  He knew at this point in his life he needed to take more responsibility for himself.  Because right now, if he wasn’t taking care of himself, he couldn’t take care of Bones, and that was all that mattered.

 

oOo

The next day Jim had to return to classes, so Len decided to unpack his things.

He knew he probably shouldn’t be up and moving around just yet and if it had been anyone else, Len would have given them hell, describing in glowing detail all of the horrific side effects they could suffer with a concussion as bad as his, but there was one truism that seemed to hold, doctors made the worst patients.  Len was a staunch practitioner of the “do as I say, not as I do” variety of medicine as it pertained to his own health.  At least as long as there were no witnesses. 

He knew if Jim were there he would have forced him back to bed, so Len took advantage of his time alone to get a few things done. 

He moved around the room slowly putting his clean clothes away and separating the ones that needed to be washed.  On his way back to the sofa he noticed his favorite mug on the table.  It was full of coffee.  Why would Jim leave a cold cup of coffee on the table? 

He picked up the mug and moved slowly into the kitchen intending to wash it out and make himself some lunch, but he had just entered the room when he was forced to grab at the countertop to steady himself.  A wave of dizziness and nausea caught him by surprise and drove him to his knees.  The room swam and he slumped down to lean back against the cabinets, he shut his eyes and tried to even out his shallow breathing.  He knew he had overdone it and he considered crawling for the bedroom, but any thought of moving made his stomach revolt.  It took quite some time of consciously regulating his breathing to be able to take a deeper breath without feeling like vomiting was imminent. 

He was lost in the rhythms of his breathing exercise when he became aware of arms easing around him.

He opened his eyes to find a very concerned Jim bracing himself to take Len’s weight as he eased him to his feet.

“What are you doing up?  You should be in bed.”  Jim slung one of Len’s arms across his shoulders and ushered him back to their bedroom.   “I remember this one doctor telling me that a concussion required a lot of rest and then telling me quite colorfully what would happen if I got dizzy and fell and hit my head again.  Do I need to paint you a picture, Doc?”

Len growled in the negative.  He knew his own words were coming back to bite him in the ass and he was in no position to argue the point, so he allowed the blond to escort him to bed and tuck him in.

“Where did you come from?” he asked accusingly.

“Yeah, cuz that’s what’s wrong here.”

He looked Jim over suspiciously.  He looked guilty. 

“What did you do Jim?  How did you know?”

Jim started to get up, but Len grabbed him by the sleeve forcing him to stay.

“I might have set a biosensor,” he mumbled refusing to look at him.

“You what?”

“I might have tagged you with a biosensor, alright!”  Jim bit out defiantly, his eyes flashing.

“You tagged me?  What the fuck, Jim?”  Len felt along his neck and shoulders and found the small sensor. 

Jim reached around and released the sensor and placed it in the hand Len was holding out.  It was smaller than a typical medical sensor.  “Where did you get this?  One of your engineering buddies?”

Jim fidgeted, “I was worried.”

“You don’t trust me?”  Yeah, as soon as those words were out of his mouth he saw the hypocrisy.   “Ok, ok.  Fine,” he grumbled. 

“What were you doing, Bones?”

“I just wanted to unpack and get some lunch.  I’m tired of feeling like an invalid.”

“What do you want?  I’ll make you something.” 

“Don’t bother, I don’t think I could keep anything down now.”  He watched as Jim started fishing around in his med kit for an antimetic.

Once Bones was medicated, Jim made him a grilled cheese sandwich for lunch.  He hovered nearby for as long as he could, making sure Bones wasn’t going to pass out on him, then headed out for his last class of the day.

 

oOo

Jim was headed back to the dorm after his class, anxious to check up on Bones and figure out what they would do for dinner when he heard someone call his name.

“Cadet Kirk.”

Jim stopped and turned slowly, knowing it was Pike approaching from the direction of the Admin buildings.  He snapped to attention and saluted.  Use of his title let him know that this was going to be a formal interaction, whether because they were in uniform in a public area of campus, or because of the official nature of the conversation, he couldn’t yet be sure.  What he had expected was to be called up for a disciplinary review after their last altercation.  He hadn’t expected Pike to seek him out in passing.

Pike came to a stop before him and smartly returned his salute, “Good afternoon, Cadet.”

Again with the ‘Cadet’, formal conversation then.  That didn’t bode well.

“You’ve been avoiding me, Kirk.”

Jim was well aware that Pike hadn’t placed him at ease, so he continued to stand at attention.  “No, sir.  I had to reschedule our meeting due other unforeseen obligations as documented in my correspondence with you, Sir.”

“Of course.  Class and teaching obligations.”  Pike knew it was bullshit.  Jim knew Pike knew it was bullshit.  But bullshit greased the military wheels of courtesy.

“Yes, sir.”

“Well, I’m glad to see that you’re free now to make up for that oversight.”

Jim suppressed his frustration, “Yes, sir.”

“Good.  At ease, Cadet.  Walk with me.”

“Yes, sir.”  Jim moved to Pike’s left side and matched his pace respectfully.

They walked on in silence for several minutes, Pike leading Jim across the campus towards the shuttle hangars.

“I realize that the last time we spoke, you were emotionally compromised, so I’m willing to let the disciplinary infraction slide, but consider this a warning, Kirk.  Our personal relationship aside, you will not disrespect me in that fashion again.  Do you understand?”

“Yes, Sir,” he ground out.  It rankled, but really, a warning was more than he deserved.  He knew he could have faced assault charges if Pike had wanted to press the issue.

“Good.  Because, I think it’s about time we cleared the air and discussed the elephant in the room.”

Jim looked at him suspiciously.

“We need to discuss your future in Starfleet, son.”  Jim’s eyes flew wide taken aback by the familial term.  His chest clenched and his step stumbled.  Pike bought them to a halt and turned to face Jim, his blue eyes warm, no longer the commanding officer.  The shift was subtle, but it cued Jim to the change in the conversation. 

“I want you on my ship, Jim.  You’re the best damn officer candidate I’ve seen come through the academy in years and I think you have a lot of potential.  I probably shouldn’t be telling you this now, considering that the competition is so fierce, but let there be no mistake, if I hear you repeating my words, I will deny them.  So, don’t give me reason to regret my decision.”

Jim tried to wrap his mind around what Pike was saying.  Enterprise.  He had hoped, but he hadn’t dared believe that he would be assigned to the flagship on his first posting. 

“Of course, sir.”

The expression on Pike’s face shifted from the indulgent smile he had been wearing while Jim had parsed his words to one of regret.  Jim found himself bracing for the ‘but’.

“I know you have your heart set on serving with Dr. McCoy, however, I don’t think the Enterprise is a good fit for McCoy.”   Jim’s stomach dropped.  That was a hell of a ‘but’.

Pike was watching him closely and Jim schooled his expression. 

“I don’t understand.  He’s one of the best, you said so yourself.”

“Don’t get me wrong, he’s one damn fine doctor, but I don’t know that he has what it takes to thrive in the black.  Do you really want to put him in that position?  Because I have no doubt if you asked, he’d follow you.”

What the fuck?  What had happened on that mission?

Pike could see the storm building as Jim’s eyes darkened. 

“It was going to be an uphill battle to begin with to get Starfleet to agree to posting him on a starship, even the flagship.  They’ve had plans for him from the moment he signed on the dotted line.  I think maybe you should start learning to accept the idea that, come June, you two will most likely receive different assignments.”

Jim couldn’t breathe.  The Enterprise was all he had wanted since he saw her hanging in the Riverside Shipyard.  He had worked hard to ensure he’d graduate at the top of his class to secure his posting on her.  Now it was his for the taking.  Or it was his to lose.  

“I hate to have to be so blunt.  I know you two are close, Jim.  But the Doctor has also indicated that he may need to rethink his assignment options now that he has custody of his daughter.”

They had started walking again, Jim following blindly as his thoughts swirled.  Pike looked at him out of the corner of his eye. 

“This isn’t going to be a problem is it?  Do I need to find another Cadet to promote to replace you?  Because, frankly, as much as I want you on the Enterprise, there are a hundred cadets vying for your position. 

“No, sir.”  Jim answered breathlessly.  He felt a sense of betrayal working to weaken his resolve.

“As you know, the Fall semester starts in a few weeks and initial assignment requests are due to your academic advisors by Thanksgiving break.  It leaves us precious little time to arrange crew assignments prior to graduation.  I know I’ve given you a lot to think about, but I’ll expect your placement request sooner rather than later.” 

Jim nodded absently.

Pike stopped outside the hangar and faced Jim once again.  “You’re dismissed, Cadet.”

“Yes, sir.”  Jim saluted and watched as Pike went inside. 

He turned and stood, the campus moving around him, everyone going about their daily business.  It was a beautiful, sunny day without a cloud in the sky and Jim headed back to the dorm, not seeing any of it, his mind a confusing mix of elation and apathy.  Pike had handed him his dream, then tarnished it.  Logically he’d known that he and Bones being separated had been a possibility all along, but he’d chosen not to believe it. 

Jim found himself shivering in the bright sunshine.  He couldn’t imagine his life anymore without Bones in it.  He had lost too many people in his life and now he had to face the fact that soon he was going to have to start over again, alone. 


	9. Chapter Nine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Be aware that this chapter has necessitated a ratings change on this story. I apologize for not having posted this as explicit from the beginning, but I wasn't sure if I would have the nerve to follow through with the ending I had planned.

oOo

Jim came out of the bathroom, a towel wrapped around his waist, and saw Bones sitting at his desk wearing his glasses and was reminded once again of the mission and his injuries.  He shoved his anger, regret and guilt down in his gut.  It had been nearly a month since Bones had gotten out of the hospital, but every time he saw him in those glasses, he flashed back to Bones lying in that fucking biobed. 

Jim kept running Pike’s words through his mind.  He wanted Bones out in the black with him, but realistically, he knew he couldn’t always be there to protect him.  Maybe staying planet side was the best solution for Bones’ safety and Jim’s sanity.  He would definitely be happier on solid ground, he could focus on his research and he could be with Joanna.

He hadn’t told Bones what Pike had said.  Instead he had dissected every sentence of their short conversation.  Pike had said that the Enterprise wasn’t a good fit for McCoy, not that McCoy wouldn’t be a good fit for the Enterprise, so maybe there was some wiggle room there.  He just wished he knew what the hell had happened on that mission that had changed Pike’s mind about Bones.

Jim had tried talking to Bones about the two months he had been away, but he’d told him in no uncertain terms that he couldn’t discuss the mission, it was classified. 

But that left Jim trying to figure out where the hell he fit in all this mess. 

 

oOo

The new semester had started and life should have been returning to normal, but Jim had been acting strangely. 

Len had been busy with his classes and his new teaching assistant responsibilities and hadn’t had any time to really talk to Jim lately.  He was missing his company and looking forward to getting back to their usual scheduled lunch routine.  It wasn’t every day, but it was the few times a week that they’d actually set aside to spend together and he had been looking forward to it.

Len entered the mess hall and looked around the noisy, crowded room as he made his food selections.  He spotted Jim’s burnished gold hair at a table halfway down the hall and headed in his direction, but as he placed his tray on the table, Jim stood and started gathering his things.

“Oh, hey, Bones.”  Len watched as he stacked his empty plates on his tray and slung his book bag over his shoulder.  “Can’t talk, gotta get to class.”

“What class?  We arranged our schedules to have this period free.”

“Yeah,” Jim looked guilty, “about that.  I had to move my classes around to pick up another section of Strategic Warfare.”

“I thought you already tested out of that course.”

“Well, Pike thought it would be good to get to know Captain Henderson, who agreed to teach this semester’s class while he’s home on leave from the _Defiant_.”

“Well, I’ll see you after shift tonight, right?”

“Uh, wish I could, Bones, but I’m TA-ing for T’lanya’s diplomacy course.”

“Since when?”

“Since this morning.  Seems her other TA came down with the Bolian Flu.” 

Len knew there had been an outbreak among the second year dorms, so that sounded legitimate.  He tried to restrain his disappointment.  “Ok.  Then lunch tomorrow?”

Jim turned apologetic eyes on him, “Sorry.  Can’t.  I’m afraid my shifting my classes threw our schedules out of sync.”  He stopped for a moment and looked at Bones’ full tray of food in thought.  “Look, I’ll be home late tonight, maybe you’ll still be up?”

“Doubt it, Jim.  I’ve got the 0400hrs shift in the mornin’.  The Bolian Flu’s left us shorthanded.”

“‘k. Well, I’m sure we’ll find some time later in the week.”  Jim nodded his head like everything had been settled to his satisfaction, slapped Len on the shoulder and walked away. 

“Yeah, sure, Jim.”  Len sighed as he watched Jim hurry to catch up with a group of fourth years headed across the quad.

Jim rearranging his schedule on Pike’s advice to take an extra course he really didn’t need sounded a little spurious to Len, but he couldn’t argue the logic.  Pike had been known to parade Jim by any high ranking officers at official functions, showing off his prize student while helping Jim build his network of ‘fleet contacts.  Len often found himself left to his own devices, or on occasion, outright abandoned while Jim and Pike worked a room.  Left to stand back and watch.  It didn’t help that he and Pike had had precious little to say to each other in the intervening weeks since Len’s discharge from the hospital.  He had noticed, however, that Pike was monopolizing more and more of Jim’s time and focus.  Or so, Jim would like him to believe. 

 

oOo

Apparently, Jim was using Pike as a convenient excuse to explain his sudden need to be anywhere but in Len’s presence. 

He knew this because one afternoon, when Jim claimed he had an appointment with Pike, Len saw Pike dining with several of the Admirals.  The doctor decided to conduct a covert operation and find out where Jim had been hiding himself.  He was eventually able to run the kid to ground in a dark corner of the library.  He hadn’t approached him, just observed him for a few minutes as he seemed lost in whatever text he was studying.  What he couldn’t figure out was why he wasn’t studying in their room.  Why here?  The only conclusion he could come to was that either Len was a distraction, or Jim just wanted to be alone.  He couldn’t really fault him for that, so he left without bothering the kid.  At least he wasn’t out looking for trouble, he was safe enough where he was.

 

oOo

A week or so later Len was awakened by the sound of Jim flopping down on his bed at 0210hrs.  Len rolled over and grabbed his glasses, put them on and took a close look at Jim.  The kid was out as soon as he’d hit the pillow.  It seemed that no matter how much Jim had been avoiding him, he had been returning to their room every night.  Whatever Jim was doing, he was pretty sure he was doing it alone.  At least there was that to take some comfort in.

At 0540hrs Len was awakened again by Jim moving around the room.  He was showered and dressed and headed for the door.

“Where are you going now, Jim?”  Len tried hard to keep the bitter tone out of his voice.  After all, Jim didn’t owe him any explanations.  He wasn’t some clingy southern belle that required constant attention and validation.  He wasn’t.  Except, it seemed that he that he was. 

He literally had to bite down on his tongue to avoid uttering the words Jocelyn always threw down as a gauntlet when she was feeling neglected, ‘I don’t’ suppose you’ll be home for dinner?’  Fuck if he’d become the nagging wife Jim already teased him of being.

He wasn’t home for dinner, that night or any of the others when Len managed to be off shift.  Jim had turned into a phantom presence in their room and in his life.

At some point, Len decided to stop trying to figure out what Jim was thinking and give him his space.  As much as he missed the kid’s company, he wasn’t really worried, so he went about attending his own classes and focusing on his research.  He was pretty sure the kid would come around eventually.

 

oOo

Jim just couldn’t do it.  He couldn’t handle being alone with Bones.  It was hard enough sharing the same room with him and having to suppress his feelings, especially when he had gotten the clear vibe that Bones was disengaging.  And he had been, subtly, since they returned from Georgia.  It was as if Bones was freaked out by the fact that they had gotten too close and he needed some distance. 

Jim could understand that, but after he had been discharged from the hospital, Jim had found it harder to be in the same room and maintain that physical and emotional distance that he knew Bones wanted.  Jim had found himself needing to be closer, not further away, and the only way he could make sure that he didn’t make a fool of himself around Bones and force something on him he evidently didn’t want, was to just not be there.  So he found himself trying to minimize his interactions and alone time with his best friend, who he had very inconveniently developed feelings for.

He was also constantly aware that their graduation was quickly approaching.  The moment he had been working tirelessly towards for almost three years was almost at hand and he was dreading it.  Everything was going to change. 

He did see the irony in the fact that he should be making the most of every second with Bones when there were so few left, but if he allowed himself to do that, the loss would be all the more painful.  Better to start weaning himself now.  He had become too dependent on Bones’ friendship and he needed to get back to that degree of self-reliance that had seen him through all the trials his young life had thrown at him. 

Of all the things Jim had been exposed to, forced to experience and survive, he thought this had the potential to be one of the most painful.  To have felt something and been teased with the possibilities, only to have them so cruelly taken away. 

He knew Bones’ friendship probably wasn’t going anywhere, the stubborn bastard was in his life for good now, but it would be a long distance friendship.  Instead of sharing every thought, every experience with his friend, he would be forced to communicate via sub-space communications.  They would inevitably be like the stilted conversations he shared with his mother, one-sided communiques for the most part, delayed by time and distance.  If they were able to establish a two-way vid call, would they have anything to talk about?  Would they still have enough in common to maintain their relationship?  It was something that constantly nagged at the back of Jim’s mind and further fueled his need to withdraw.

 

oOo

One night, when Len found himself released early from his shift and had returned to find the dorm room empty, his curiosity got the better of him.  He wondered what Jim got up to on nights when he knew Len wouldn’t be home, so he decided to head to the bar he knew Jim gravitated towards. 

Therefore, he wasn’t surprised, just disappointed, when he pushed through the crowd near the door, to spot Jim at the center of a gaggle of female cadets seated near the dance floor.  Instead of saying hello, Len moved to the bar where he found an empty seat with his back to the floor and ordered his usual.

 

Jim threw his head back and laughed brightly at something only slightly witty that one of the girls had said.  He was working the Kirk charm and liberally flashing the smile and blue eyes that usually rewarded him with the woman of his choice.  He had scoped out his options and chosen a pretty brunette public relations major.  She was his usual type, small, perky and ready for fun and he was having a hell of a time forcing himself to be interested.  Maybe if he separated her from her group of friends he’d be able to move things along quicker.

 Jim placed his hand at the small of her back and leaned in to be heard over the noise, but not overheard by the others.  “How about we move over to the bar?  We could have another drink and maybe get to know each other a little better.”  He accompanied this with a gentle rub to her back which he felt her lean in to.  He knew he had her attention and he steered her through the crush to the bar. 

Things looked promising.  If all went according to plan, he’d be taking her home tonight.  He frowned at that thought.  Well, he would be taking her somewhere.  He refused to examine the twist to his stomach at the fleeting thought that he couldn’t take her to his room.  Instead he busied himself finding a couple of stools and ordering. 

They had been chatting companionably for several minutes when Jim felt someone slide between the stools and drape themselves over his back.  He looked over his shoulder to find himself with a face full of Gaila’s bright red curls.  He brushed them out of his face and rubbed at his nose which was still being tickled by them. 

“Hey, G.”

“Hello, Jim.  Who is your friend?”

“Gaila, this is Destiny.”

“Destiny?  Really?”  To her credit Destiny didn’t look the least bit put out by the question.  In fact, she moved closer to Jim and placed her and on his thigh, a clear warning to Gaila that Jim was taken for the night.  Jim coughed a little self-consciously and felt Gaila’s giggle against his back.  This girl obviously had no clue, but Gaila didn’t mind sharing.  She and Jim had had an open relationship for the first year of school and now they were more friends than lovers. 

“You here alone?” Jim asked.

That question garnered Jim a squeeze to his thigh.  He covered Destiny’s hand with his own and rubbed his thumb across her knuckles soothingly.  The last thing he needed was her getting upset at Gaila’s territorial display and leaving.  He subtly tried to shrug Gaila off his back, but she wasn’t having any of it.

“No, Uhura is here somewhere.”  She gestured vaguely in the direction of the main floor. 

“I’m right here.”  Jim turned to see Uhura standing between him and Destiny and eyeing her hand on his thigh with one unimpressed eyebrow raised. 

“Well, ladies, can I order your drinks for you?”

Gaila started to nod, but Uhura cut her off haughtily, “I think I can order my own drink, Kirk.  Wouldn’t want to interrupt your very important business meeting.”

“Never let it be said that Jim Kirk isn’t a gentleman.”

“Speaking of real gentlemen, it’s nice to see McCoy out and about again.”  Uhura inclined her head towards the far end of the bar.

Jim followed the direction of Uhura’s gaze and stared in surprise.  Bones was indeed ensconced at the bar and judging by the empties, had been there for a while.  Why was he here drinking? 

Gaila whispered in his ear, “Jim, honey, close your mouth.  Destiny is watching.”

He looked back quickly, collecting himself and glaring at Uhura’s smug expression.  “Yeah, well, he must have gotten off shift early tonight or something.  They’ve been keeping him pretty busy at medical now that he’s back.”

“I think I will just wander over and say hello.”  Gaila peeled herself off of Jim’s back and gave him a quick discreet pinch.

Jim looked at Gaila warily.  “Yeah, you do that, G.  Just mind your P’s and Q’s, will ya?”

He knew Gaila knew exactly what he was talking about by the sparkle in her eye.

“We will see.  He looks kind of lonely over there all alone.”

“Hands off, Gaila,” Jim hissed under his breath, hoping Uhura was too busy ordering to hear.

Luckily all of this was floating well over Destiny’s head.  Jim frowned, actually, a lot of their conversation had seemed to go over her head.  Oh well, he hadn’t picked her for her brains.

Jim watched Gaila head down the bar.  He was pretty sure she would keep his confidences, no matter how much she liked to tease him.  She was the only one here that he’d been able to talk to when Bones had been gone and he may have shared just a little too much with her after a night of drinking. 

He looked at Bones.  He did look lonely, but then his prickly, grumpy look was designed to ensure that he was left alone.  That was the way he liked it.

 

Gaila insinuated herself between the surprised doctor and the bar, he automatically widened his legs allowing her entrance and found himself with the Orion’s breasts pressed against his chest, his cock quickly becoming interested in the thigh it was now pressed against. 

He took a deep breath.  Gaila was always a complete assault on the senses and he fought hard against her unintentional release of pheromones.  He knew the physiology well enough, but that didn’t make it any easier to counteract his body’s instinctual response to her blatant sexuality.  However, he was an extremely well trained professional and he subtly tilted his pelvis away from her hot thigh and put several inches of much needed distance between them before greeting her.

“Well, howdy, Miss Gaila.”

+

“Hello, Leonard.”

None of his struggle had been lost on Gaila as she chuckled in amusement at his discomfort.  She had taken Leonard McCoy’s reserve as a personal challenge and she used every opportunity to test him.  She found the sexy doctor very intriguing and she could definitely see what Jim saw in him.  She just couldn’t believe that Jim couldn’t see that the doctor had it just as bad for him.  It was like Christmas for Gaila.  She loved being in on the secret and couldn’t wait until both oblivious men finally figured it out.  Until then she would enjoy harassing Jim and torturing Leonard.

+

Len knew that Gaila was taking delight in his discomfort.  She and Jim were a lot alike in that respect. Always flirting.  A sudden thought struck him, Jim didn’t flirt with him anymore, hadn’t since Georgia.  As disconcerting as that thought was, he didn’t have time to wonder what it might mean as Gaila turned between his thighs and leaned across the bar to address the bartender. 

Len’s thoughts skittered away as his attention was captured by the beautiful, full backside in a disturbingly short skirt being presented before him.  Ever the gentleman, he forced himself to look away.  He didn’t know where to put his hands, so he kept them on his own thighs where he could feel the tension in his muscles as he fought the urge to touch. 

With drink in hand, Gaila turned back to face him once again, a small smug smile on her lips. 

God, this woman would be the death of him!

Len looked around a little frantically and took comfort in Uhura’s presence just a few stools away, knowing that she would reign the Orion in if needed.  He glanced guiltily further down the bar at Jim who, he was unsurprised to see, had his attention completely focused on the woman beside him.

Gaila followed his gaze, “He is aware that you are here.”

Len looked up in surprise and had to wonder once again if Orions had telepathic abilities they didn’t share with the Federation. 

“I can sense your hormonal response as well Leonard,” she answered uncannily.

He cleared his throat nervously and looked around to make sure no one was listening in on their conversation.  “Yeah?  Well, he doesn’t seem to care.”

“That is not the case.  He is aware and he does care.” 

“He has a funny way of showing it,” he muttered under his breath. 

”Jim has been damaged.”

“What?” Len looked at Jim in concern, scanning him for injuries.

“You misunderstand.  Jim is unharmed, yet he is damaged.”

Len shifted uncomfortably, unsure if he should be having this conversation with a confidant of Jim’s.  It seemed to be an invasion of his privacy, but if anyone here knew Jim as well as he did, it might just be Gaila.

“What makes you say that?”

“He doubts whether he is able to experience deep loving feelings due to the emotional damage he suffered in his childhood.”

Len eyed her suspiciously.  “And he just told you that, did he?” That didn’t sound like the Jim Kirk he knew.  His Jim would rather gargle with razor blades than discuss his emotional past. 

“Not in so many words.”  She cocked her head to one side and regarded him, “Do you believe it to be true?”

“Honey, I’m not sure what I believe at this point.”

“Well, I do not believe it.  I know that Jim can love.”  Gaila took an experimental sip of the bright purple drink in her hand.  She smiled, pleased, and fixed the doctor with a look of certainty.  “I know that Jim loves.  But _he_ will not know he loves until he believes he _can_ love.”

Len paused a moment to wonder if Gaila had a firm grasp on the differences in cultural definitions of love.  He realized he was frowning and quickly schooled his features as Uhura approached.

If nothing else the conversation had managed to distract him enough to curb his arousal, if not thoroughly disconcert him.

“Evening, Len.”

“Evenin’, Nyota.”

“Ok.  Come on, Gaila.  Time to stop flustering the poor doctor.”  Len looked at Uhura in gratitude.

Gaila pouted and turned disappointed puppy eyes on him, “Are you sure you are not interested, Leonard?”

“Oh, you know I’m interested, Darlin’.  I’m just not fool hardy enough to indulge.”

“No matter. I shall find another,” Gaila stated confidently scanning the crowd, her disappointment fleeting.

Len chuckled, “Of that, I have no doubt.”

Len wished the women a good evening and breathed a sigh of relief as he picked up the fresh bourbon the bartender set before him and toasted his sympathetic look.  “Thanks.”

 

Jim nearly spit out the mouthful of beer he had just taken in when he saw Gaila pressed up against Bones.  “Dammit, Gaila.”

Jim was rewarded with nails starting to dig into his thigh and refocused his attention back on the woman at his side.

Destiny had demanded all of his attention once the other women were gone and Jim didn’t get to see the rest of Gaila and Bones’ interaction.  When he was finally able to spare a quick glance out of the corner of his eye, Bones was alone again.  Jim avoided making eye contact because he was aware that Bones was watching him now and he was worried about what Gaila might have said.  That, and the fact that Bones was still wearing those fucking glasses, was making him anxious.   

Jim found himself having a hard time focusing on the conversation at hand and Destiny was starting to notice, so he decided to find out what the hell was going on.

“Um, look, I’m a little worried about my friend over there.  I’m just gonna go make sure everything is ok.  I’ll be right back.”  The brunette didn’t look pleased, but grudgingly agreed after making him promise to hurry back.

Jim threaded his way around the perimeter of the bar until he was able to move into the space beside Bones’ right shoulder. 

“Thought you were working.”

+

“Yeah, I can see that.”  Len glanced in the direction of the girl at the end of the bar and couldn’t help wondering if Jim was planning on fucking her.  That thought soured his mood even further. 

Len looked her over once more then dropped his eyes, aware that he’d been staring.  He hadn’t been able to take his eyes off of Jim since he’d spoken to Gaila and his thoughts had spun out in more directions than he could keep track of.  He was trying to figure out this feeling that was keeping him on edge, kept trying to put his finger on what was causing it, but he couldn’t think because his eyes and thoughts kept coming back to Jim.  That combined with Gaila’s inferences had set him on edge.

“Don’t let me stop you.”

+

Jim could tell that Bones was in a mood, he just couldn’t figure out what kind. 

“What’s up with you tonight, man?”

+

What the fuck _was_ wrong with him tonight?  It was a question he’d been asking himself since he’d gotten here.  And after his conversation with Gaila, he was even further from figuring that out.

Len took off his glasses and set them on the bar, rubbing his eyes with the heels of his hands. 

“Nothin’,” he said, his voice as weary as his eyes.

“Doesn’t feel like nothing.”  Len looked back at Jim from the corner of his eye.

“What does it matter?  You’ve already got your hands full for the night.”

“What, her?”  Jim looked over his shoulder at the girl then looked back to Len, “She doesn’t matter, you do.”

Len just shrugged and shook his head.  “I don’t know what to tell ya, Jim.  When I manage ta figure it out, I’ll letcha know.”

Jim nodded and gave him a curious once over before heading back to the cute little cadet at the end of the bar, who had been watching their exchange with a speculating look.  Len gave her a small frown before pocketing his glasses, sometimes it was nice to have the option of not seeing things clearly, and tossed his credit chip on the bar as he gathered his jacket to head back to the dorm.  He didn’t bother looking back to see Jim hanging on the little brunette, he had seen enough of that for one night.

+

Jim leaned against the bar, pretending to be listening to whatever the Destiny was saying, but instead he was watching Bones.  Once the door closed behind him, taking the distraction away, Jim tuned back in only to find the conversation shallow and flat.  She didn’t have a sense of humor.  He tried baiting her a few times, but was disappointed when she didn’t snap back a sarcastic reply.  Jim looked back at the empty seat at the bar, then at the closed door.  Without giving it much thought he straightened up and fished his credit chip from his pocket.  The girl eyed him up suspiciously when he waved down the barkeep and indicated payment for his drinks and the one in front of his companion.  

“What, are we leaving?” she asked hopefully.

“Well, I’m leaving.”

“What does that mean?” her look turned from hopeful to furious.

“Means, I thank you for the sparkling conversation, but I must be on my way.”  Jim pressed his thumb to the scanner authorizing payment and looked up into her flashing grey eyes.

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

“No, baby, not fucking you at all.”

“You’re an asshole, you know that?”

“Believe me, I am constantly reminded of that fact.”

He signaled the bartender, who brought her one last drink to help ease the sting of his rejection.

“I am sorry,” he said apologetically.

She looked him over once again with an appraising eye, “Yeah, me too.”

Jim turned to leave.  “I hope he’s worth it.”

“Oh, he is,” he tossed over his shoulder without looking back.

 

Well, it looked like Jim wouldn’t be returning to the room again tonight.  Len didn’t know what was worse, having to see Jim with someone, or knowing he was spending the night in someone else’s room.  Again.  If Jim was to be believed, it hadn’t happened since they’d returned from Georgia.  This would be the first time since their marriage. 

Len moved deeper into the dark room and slouched down on the sofa.  Lately, he’d found himself slipping and indulging in thoughts and feelings he’d had no intention of having.  It was getting harder every day to maintain his distance. 

He looked up at the sound of the door opening, but didn’t make any move to acknowledge Jim’s presence.  When he just stood at the door in the dark without speaking, Len fought to keep his voice even.  “I didn’t expect to see you tonight.”

He thought he was successful in keeping the reproach from his voice, but couldn’t keep from sounding resigned. 

Jim drew a deep breath and released a sigh that settled between them in the silence.  “You’ve been avoiding me.” 

+

“Didn’t really think you’d notice.”  Bones sounded bitter.

“Why the hell wouldn’t I notice?”

“Maybe because you’ve been too “ _busy”_ (and fuck if he didn’t have the gall to use air fucking quotes) to notice.”

Bones’ flippant response sparked Jim’s ire. 

+

“Maybe because you started drawing away as soon as we got back from Georgia.”  Len’s own anger started to surface, but Jim cut him off again.  “Oh, don’t try to deny it!  Since you got out of the hospital, you’re here, but you’re not really here.  What the fuck’s the difference?”

Len took a deep breath, his anger slowly turning to contrition, “I guess maybe I have been a little wrapped up in my own head lately.  ’m sorry.”  He probably owed Jim more of an explanation, but he couldn’t seem to find the right words without opening a whole can of worms he just wasn’t ready to deal with. 

While the two settled in for the night, Len couldn’t help drawing comparisons between his first marriage and this one.  After accusing Len of ignoring her, Jocelyn would have stormed off and locked herself in the bedroom.  But with Jim it was different.  Jim had accepted his apology grudgingly, but it hadn’t taken long for them to move past the awkwardness.  Sure, they hadn’t really dealt with the underlying issues, but with Jim, he didn’t feel pressured into confrontations. 

Maybe he felt more comfortable with Jim than Jocelyn, his apology had come much more easily with Jim.  Jocelyn would have badgered him to the point where he wouldn’t have felt like apologizing even if he’d known he was at fault.  And with Jim he was comfortable with the knowledge that they would talk, if and when they both felt they needed to.    

_Fuck._

When had he started thinking of his marriage to Jocelyn as his _first_ marriage?  Is that what he really wanted?  He looked over at Jim.  What did Jim want?  He had come home tonight instead of spending the night with someone else. 

Home. 

_Fuck._

Len knew he was in over his fucking head.

 

oOo

Len spent the next several days doing the kind of exhaustive soul searching that he hated.  He’d rather do a prostate exam on an angry, armed, Klingon then indulge in personal introspection. 

Once he passed his requalification in surgery, he volunteered for several extra shifts at the hospital.  He knew Jim would think he was avoiding him, and maybe he was, but he really needed the extra time and space to try and get his head together.  The revelations the other night still had him reeling.  If he couldn’t figure out what the hell he wanted, how could he expect Jim to do the same?  He knew he needed to discuss all of this with him, but he couldn’t do that just yet. 

Besides, Jim was still avoiding _him_.  God, they were a pair. 

Len knew that his being injured on this mission had forced them both to confront the reality that come June, less than a year from now, they could find themselves stationed at the far ends of the galaxy from one another. 

Len knew Jim was dealing with the harshness of this reality by drawing away and pulling into himself.  He knew it wasn’t his fault, he was harkening back to coping mechanisms he’d learned in his youth and trying to protect himself.  Jim had found himself in too many situations against his will and here he was facing yet another abandonment in the name of duty.

 

Len tried to broach the subject with him later that night over dinner.

“I made a promise to you in Georgia.”  He looked up, at Jim who had his head down, focused on his dinner.  “Jim, you know I wouldn’t leave you, right?” 

Jim shrugged, but didn’t look up from his spaghetti.  “Not on purpose, you wouldn’t mean to, but something more important will come up.  It always does,” he said so quietly that Len almost didn’t catch it. 

Len was flashing back to arguments with Jocelyn, hearing Jim’s words in her accusatory voice.  _‘There will always be some patient, some disease that will be more important to you than us.’_

“Jim…,” he faltered, because he couldn’t deny it.  He had tried to deny it to Jocelyn, but he had learned the hard way that she’d been right.  He hadn’t meant to neglect her, but it was the nature of his job, his patients and research had to come first at times.

He knew that Jim was feeling particularly insecure, because normally he would be the first to unselfishly offer any resource he had to help someone in need.  There was a time, not so long ago, when Jim would have steadfastly denied his feelings.  It said a lot that Jim felt safe enough with Len to voice his thoughts.  Maybe he _had_ earned back at least a little of the trust he had squandered by attempting to resign. 

Len regretted that current events had reignited Jim’s fear of abandonment, but he’d had no choice.  He knew Jim understood that logically as well, but that didn’t help with how he felt.  Len also knew that emotion had little place for logic and he was left wracking his brain for a way to reassure Jim, so he offered the first thing that came to mind.

“We could register the marriage with Starfleet.” 

Jim set down his fork and shook his head looking tired and resigned, “We both know it’s not really legal anyway.  It’s just a legal technicality.  It could all be wiped away by filling out a form and getting a judge’s signature.  It doesn’t really mean anything.”  Jim looked up at him with a strange look in his eyes.  He opened his mouth like he was going to speak, then shook his head and closed it again, gave him a half-sad smile and went back to his spaghetti. 

Len watched him pick at his meal, not really eating any more before he excused himself and headed into the bedroom to study.  He knew Jim had been referring to the fact that they had never consummated the marriage, leaving it voidable in the eyes of the law, and apparently in Jim’s eyes too.  Len chewed his lip in consideration. 

 

That night he found himself lying in bed staring up at the ceiling, his thoughts swirling around the man in the next bed who was snoring softly.

Len lay there trying to ferret out what Jim had meant when he had dismissed his idea of recording their marriage with Starfleet.  They both knew it wouldn’t change their duty assignments, but it would force Starfleet to view them as a family unit.  They would be granted priority in subspace communications, allowed to schedule leave together and consulted in any decisions that needed to be made. 

He was a little disappointed, though he hadn’t really expected Jim to go for it, but was Jim suggesting that he wanted something more?  To legitimize the marriage?  Wasn’t the whole point when they agreed to do this, that Jim could annul the marriage and walk away in a year? 

But if that happened, what would that really look like?  To Jim it would seem like Len didn’t really care.  Some say, if you love something set it free.  But for Jim, Len suspected that if you loved him, what he really wanted was for you to make him stay, because, deep down, what the kid really craved was a sense of belonging, a sense of family.

Jim wanted someone to prove that they loved him by staying with him, by promising to stay.  Was that really so bad?  Wasn’t that what he had been trying to tell him in the first place? 

Len sighed and rolled to his side facing the exasperating man-child in the other bed.  He knew what he had to do now.  It wasn’t like they couldn’t end the marriage if they decided to, so it was all kinds of stupid to begin with.  So why were they making such a big deal out of this?  It would just mean more paperwork and another divorce on his record of failures, but to be honest, even if this was annulled, it would still feel like another failure. 

He thought maybe Jim was resistant to registering the marriage for Len’s sake, and if Jim still doubted what Len felt for him, then he couldn’t allow that to continue.

What exactly _did_ he feel for Jim?  He had been afraid to acknowledge it, even to himself, but the kid had gotten under his skin in a way that he hadn’t thought possible any more.  He loved him, he did, but he knew that wasn’t always enough.  After all, he had loved Jocelyn and it hadn’t been enough.  He hadn’t been enough.  And he was afraid that he could never be enough for someone like Jim. 

But he also knew himself well enough to know that he wouldn’t have the willpower to stay away from Jim.  They had entered this arrangement for legal reasons, but Len had taken a vow and he was a man who honored his vows.  What that meant in this case was perhaps a little different than with Jocelyn, but he had promised to stay with Jim and he would keep that promise.  They were family, no matter what happened, where they ended up, who they ended up with, they would always be family. 

So, if making this arrangement legal gave Jim some peace of mind, then it would be worth it.  He hadn’t intended to allow himself another sexual encounter with Jim.  The kid wasn’t ready to settle down and Len did still have some sense of self-preservation left.  It would also be just plain stupid, knowing that they might not have much time left together.  But it was the best way he could think to prove to Jim, through actions instead of words, which he had always had such a hard time with, just what Jim meant to him.  He was not leaving him.  He was here to stay.  The kid would just have to get used to it.

If Jim wanted to be fought for, he could handle that.  Especially if it showed Jim he was worth fighting for. 

 

oOo

Jim came through the door and tossed his bag to the floor.  He leaned against the wall toeing his shoes off as he shouted, “Bones!  Hey, Bones!”  Getting no answer he rounded the corner to the bedroom and stopped dead in his tracks.  Bones was packing.  _What the fuck?_

“What are you doing, Bones?” Jim asked, his voice toneless.  _He was leaving again?_

Len looked up at Jim standing in the doorway, pausing momentarily before he stuffed a handful of clothes into the duffle bag.  “I’m packin’.  What’s it look like?”

When Jim didn’t answer Len stopped what he was doing and took a good look at Jim.  The kid was pale, his respirations were up.  Damn, this had gotten worse than he’d thought.  It only served to reinforce his decision. 

“Calm down, Jim.  I’m packin’ _your_ bag.”

Jim was confused.  Bones was packing _his_ things?  How was that better?  Was he throwing him out?

“Jim.  Jim look at me.”

Jim tore his eyes away from his duffle bag on Bones’ bed and realized that the doctor was suddenly standing right in front of him. 

“Look, I’m packin’ both our bags.  We’re gettin’ outta here for the weekend.”  Jim still look confused.   “Both of us.  Together.”  Bones shook his head in exasperated fondness as realization dawned in those insanely blue eyes.  He nodded at Jim’s questioning look then went back to his packing.  “ _Idiot_.”   

Jim was still confused, but he was finding it easier to breathe.  “So, uh, where we going?”  Then he remembered, “I thought you were on a clinic rotation this weekend.”

“I was.  I got someone to switch with me.”  Other than that, Bones wasn’t offering up any explanation.

Were they going to Georgia again?  Could Jim even afford to take the time off this weekend?  He had an exam coming up and had planned on studying with a couple of the other cadets in his class and he had scheduled time in the flight sims for him and Bones.

“You’re thinkin’ too hard, Jim.  I can hear you from here.” 

Jim’s gaze focused on Bones again.  “Stop worryin’.  You know as well as I do that you have that exam material down cold and I rescheduled the sim time.”

“But, Bones...”

“No.  No excuses.  You gonna make me pull the damn doctor card?  ‘Cause I will.”  Jim still seemed to hesitate, “You really want me puttin’ you on medical leave?” 

Jim startled at that, “Hell, no.  You wouldn’t.”

“Try me.” 

Jim looked at the determined expression in those hazel eyes and knew he was screwed.  “Fine.”

“Good.  Now we got that cleared up, get changed.  We have a schedule to meet.”

Jim changed out of his reds while Bones finished packing their bags.  “You gonna tell me where we’re going?”

“Nope.”

“You gonna tell me _why_ we’re going?”

“Let’s just say, we need to get away for a few days and leave it at that.”

Jim knew it had been a stressful couple of months what with Bones being pressed into a medical mission and being injured in the line of duty.  He was completely recovered now, but they had been thrown directly into the hectic schedule of a new semester.  They really hadn’t had much time to spend together.  Their schedules were so contrary that it seemed like they had been avoiding each other for the last couple of weeks.  Jim was beginning to suspect that Bones was aware of the fact that he had arranged his schedule to oppose Bones’ on purpose.

“Yeah.  Ok.”  Jim decided that if Bones felt he needed this then he hadn’t been hiding things too well.  He was a little worried about being alone one on one with him for an extended length of time.  Bones was able to read him like no one else.  He only hoped he could manage to keep it together for the weekend.  It was just a weekend, right.  Only two days.  He could handle that.

 

Len handed Jim his bag and grabbed his own, relieved the kid had stopped asking him questions.  He led him off campus to the closest transport hub.  Jim looked around surprised and grabbed his arm as they entered the public transporter room.

“Wait.  You’re voluntarily choosing to use a transporter?” Jim looked at him in disbelief.

“Yeah.  Now hurry up or we’re gonna miss our scheduled time.”  Len pushed forward, but Jim still held him back.

“But Bones, you don’t like transporters.”

“Keep it up Jim and you’ll remind me what a fucked up idea this is.”  Len grabbed Jim’s hand and pulled him forward handing two tickets to the transporter tech as they took their places on the pad.

He looked over at Jim who was still regarding him with disbelief in his eyes and clutched his hand tighter as the white lights began to swirl around them.  He fought down the spike of nausea and anxiety and felt Jim hold him just as tightly.  The public station dimmed and faded to white before resolving into a beautiful wooded vista.  When they were released from the beam, Len stood still trying to catch his breath and force his stomach back into place while taking a quick inventory to make sure he still had all his parts.  Jim twisted around looking all around the clearing, from the cabin to the lake to the mountains.

“Where the hell are we Bones?”  It looked like they could be anywhere in the western Federated States, but he couldn’t be sure. 

“Colorado.  A friend of mine rented this cabin, but he got called away on an emergency, so he asked if I wanted to finish out his time.”   Len released Jim’s hand and hitched his bag higher on his shoulder.  He walked up the steps and entered a code into the security panel and the door clicked open. 

The cabin was large, but cozy.  There was one large bedroom loft which overlooked a spacious great room with a large fireplace.  The back wall of the cabin consisted of floor to ceiling windows and showcased a panoramic view of the lake and surrounding mountains.  Jim was drawn to the view while Bones went to check the kitchen. 

“Fridge is fully stocked, Andy was planning on being here the entire week.  He said we’re free to help ourselves to whatever we want.”   He grabbed two cold beers and went to stand beside Jim at the window, handing him one while they admired the lake. 

There was a deck with several Adirondack chairs scattered around and a fire pit.  Beyond that, the grass led down to a dock that ran out into the water.  There was a small boat house off to one side which housed a rowboat and tackle if they decided they wanted to do any fishing.  There were no neighbors for several miles in either direction and the only buildings visible from this vantage point were a couple of camps across the lake in amongst the trees.  They were essentially alone. 

Jim spoke without looking at him, still seemingly engrossed in the view.  “So, why are we here, Bones?”

Len sighed and pretended to be equally fascinated with the view.  “Because, Jim.  I think it’s time we talked.”

Len could see Jim tense in the window’s reflection.  Talking was not something either of them excelled at.  Sure they were good at sarcasm and banter and insults, but real talking, with emotions and all, nuh uh.  It was something that they tended to avoid at all costs unless it was absolutely necessary.   Well, Len thought it was necessary.

He knew that if Jocelyn hadn’t forced him into heart-to-heart talks, there would have been little real communication in their marriage if it had been left up to him.  Take that and Jim’s absolute aversion to confronting his feelings in any healthy and meaningful way and you had quite a damn problem. 

Len didn’t need his psychology degree to see that Jim’s insecurities were approaching crisis levels.  If he didn’t get the kid to open up soon, he was going to act out in some destructive way and Len wasn’t willing to sit back and watch him self-destruct.  He was afraid that he was the cause of the most recent flare up of Jim’s anxiety, so it was up to him to find a solution, hence this trip into the middle of nowhere.  It couldn’t have come at a better time.

Len looked at Jim out of the corner of his eye.  He looked slightly panicked.

“We need to talk and we needed to do it somewhere with no distractions.  We’ve got some unfinished business and there’s no one else here to distract you and nowhere you for you to run.”  Jim‘s eyes flicked to the door.  “Don’t make me fuckin’ tag you, Jim.”  

Jim looked at him guiltily.  Probably remembering the sensor he had put on Len.

“For now, just try to relax.”

+

Relax.  Bones drops the ‘we need to talk’ bomb and then tells him to relax.  He should know him well enough by now to know that wasn’t gonna happen.

As if he could read his mind yet again, Bones continued.  “Don’t worry, Jim.  I promise I will put you out of your misery sooner rather than later.  Let’s get settled in and make somethin’ to eat first.  Ok?”

Jim swallowed hard, “Yeah.  Ok.”

+

Len watched Jim head off to the stairs to the loft looking like a man walking to the gallows.  He just shook his head and moved to the kitchen to start dinner.  They had two days here and he didn’t plan on wasting any time.  Besides the sooner they hashed things out, the sooner they could enjoy this mini-vacation.  He only hoped they’d still be on speaking terms after. 

Len pushed his own worry to the back of his mind and focused on the chili and homemade cornbread he’d decided to make after surveying the pantry.

 

Jim wandered in a little later after taking a tour of the land around the cabin.  Len was just taking the cornbread out of the oven.

“Hey, I put some kindling and wood in the fire pit for later.”  He looked uncertain, “In case, you know, you wanted to sit outside tonight.”

“Sounds great, Jim.”  He tried to act as normal and relaxed as he could, hoping it would calm Jim as well.  The kid was acting way too nervous.  It hadn’t been Len’s intention to stress him out, but he hadn’t wanted to deceive him either about why he’d brought him here.  He wasn’t going to spring anything on him, because he knew Jim managed better if he knew what was coming had time to prepare himself. 

+

Jim and Bones took their dinner outside to eat and enjoy the sunset over the lake.  The reds and oranges finally settled into a dusky pink that faded to purple as the stars winked on one by one.  Jim lit the fire and they moved their chairs closer and settled in with their beers.

Jim found himself relaxing as they ate and chatted, but he couldn’t get rid of the feeling of waiting for the second shoe to drop.  Bones had brought them out here to talk and he was more than a little worried about what that meant.  Had he made some decision about Joanna?  Was he thinking about dropping out again? 

He finally couldn’t take the waiting anymore.  “So.  What did you want talk about Bones?  You went to a lot of trouble to get us out here alone.  It must be important.”  Jim tried to act casual, focusing on the label he was peeling off of his beer bottle instead of Bones, but he was sure Bones could see right through him.

Bones looked Jim over as he took another sip of his beer.  “It’s been a long day, you must be tired.  You sure you really want to do this tonight?”

“Yeah, Bones.  I’m not tired at all.”  He couldn’t wait until tomorrow.  He wasn’t good at waiting.

+

Len looked around the shore. 

The night had turned dark and clouds were rolling in across the mountains obscuring the stars.  With the clouds came a brisk wind that was whipping up the water and beating down the last of the flames in the fire pit.  It was also forcing a sharp chill through the thin fabric of the doctor’s shirt and jeans. 

Distant thunder rumbled across the lake and a bright flash of lightning brightened the edge of the mountains as a storm moved closer to the valley.  Len felt a few random raindrops. 

He looked over at Jim who did look more than a little wired.  Hell, the kid’s anxiety was probably keeping him in a constant state of adrenaline overload.  There was no way he was going to be able to settle down at this rate, so Len decided that if they were going to continue this conversation, now was as good a time as any.

“Maybe we should continue this inside, it looks like rain.” 

The fire had died down and it only took them a few minutes to douse the hot coals.  They worked in silence, Len fetching a bucket of water and Jim stirring the embers.  They hurried to gather the empty bottles and plates and stumbled into the cabin as the rain started in earnest, sweeping down the slopes of the surrounding hills, the wind picking up and driving it against the windows. The night had been cool and they were now wet and shivering in the dark, cold cabin. 

Len lit the tinder in the fireplace while Jim found them some dry clothes.  Once they were changed and settled on the sofa, Len steered the conversation back on track.

“I can see you’ve gone and got yourself all worked up about this, Jim, but I brought you out here because I thought we needed to talk about what’s been goin’ on with _you_ lately and what has been goin’ on between _us_ lately.”

Jim worked hard to keep himself from hyperventilating. 

“I can see somethin’s been botherin’ you and I need you to tell me what it is.” 

Jim sat silently staring into the flames.  They had nothing but time, so Len sat back and waited.  He could see Jim was struggling with what to say. 

+

He was a little startled when Bones dropped another cold beer in front of him and took the empty bottle from his fingers.  He didn’t remember finishing it off and he hadn’t seen Bones leave.  The flames had an almost hypnotic effect on him and he had to shake himself out of his trance.  He raised the cold beer and took a long draught. 

Len could see him psyching himself up to talk, so he quietly sat back down and sipped his own drink. 

“You know when I came back that day and you were gone?  After we had that fight?” 

He looked at Bones who nodded but didn’t interrupt.

“I thought you’d left again.  Because of me.”

“Jim...”

Bones sounded like he was gearing up to scold him, so Jim rushed on, “I know it was stupid, but I couldn’t help it.”

“I’m here to stay Jim, no matter what kinda stupid crap you decide ta pull.”

Jim acknowledged that with a small distracted nod.  “Anyway, that’s not really the issue.   The thing is, it made me realize that I … I don’t really want to do this without you.  I _know_ things have changed, that you have to consider Joanna first and I get that.  But I really thought that after we got back from Georgia, that things were going to work out so that you’d be able to request a starship posting.  But…”

Jim took another long pull on his beer before continuing, like he was trying to find the words to say what he was thinking.  “But then, after you … after your mission, things kinda changed.  Pike… he said…”

+

Len tensed.  He’d figured the source of Jim’s insecurities could be traced back to his abandonment issues, but he hadn’t considered Pike.  What had he told him about the mission?  Had he told Jim he thought Len didn’t belong in Starfleet?  If he had, he and the Captain were going to have words. 

Jim had stalled, so Len prompted him quietly, “What did Pike say?” 

“He told me that he wanted me on Enterprise.”

Well, that wasn’t so bad.  “That’s good news, right?”

“Yeah, but that’s not all.”  Jim tipped the bottle up and drained it.  “He also said that he didn’t think that the Enterprise would be a good fit for you.”

Len sat a moment letting that soak in.  Jim sat regarding him sadly.

“So, that’s what this is all about?  Pike doesn’t think I’d be happy on the Enterprise?”  Ok.  Well, that’s not really a surprise, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t request it.

“No.  What he said was that I needed to get used to the fact that come June, you and I would be receiving different duty assignments.”  He watched Len concentrating on the flames.  “Bones what happened on that mission?  Why doesn’t Pike think you should be on the Enterprise?”

“Jim, we knew this was a possibility.”

“Bones what happened?”

+

Bones got up and started to pace around the room.  “I ain’t proud of it, ok?  But, I ain’t ashamed of it neither.  If it hadn’t been classified I’d have told you sooner, but…. _Fuck._ I disobeyed a direct order from Pike.  He’s kinda pissed at me and I guess he doesn’t think I belong in Starfleet.  I don’t know.” 

Bones’ anxiety was ratcheting up and he ran his hands through his hair as he got lost in the memory.  “I couldn’t just leave that Ensign there to die and I sure as fuck wasn’t carryin’ a fuckin’ phaser!” 

Bones’ accent was getting thicker with the alcohol and his agitation.  “What the fuck was I supposed ta do, Jim?  Just let that man die ‘cause Pike thought it was too dangerous?”

Jim’s blood ran cold.  “You put your life at risk, against orders, to retrieve an injured crewman?”

+

“That’s my job!”

“No. Your job is to keep yourself safe and come back to me!”

Where the fuck did that come from?  “Jim, I’m a doctor.  I had to try to save him.”

“Was his life more important than yours?”

“Yes!”  He shouted in frustration, trying to get Jim to see where he was coming from, but not thinking about the effect his words would have on him.   

“So, he was more important than coming home to me.”  Jim finished quietly.

“What?  No!  Jim...,” Len pleaded, “you gotta understand.  I can’t think that far ahead.  I can only work with what I’ve got at hand at the moment.  Medicine isn’t a long term strategy game, it’s a what-the-fuck-do-I gotta-do-right-now-to-make-this-right kinda thing.” 

He could see the kid didn’t want to hear it, that he couldn’t hear what Len was trying to say over his own hurt.

“Jim, of course I wanted to come home safe to Jo and you, but I can’t let that color my decisions.  I had one chance to save that kid.  If I hadn’t gotten to him when I did, even a minute later,… he’d be dead.”  Len was running out of steam.  “Please, try an’ understand.”

“Yeah.  Yeah, I understand, Bones.”  Jim’s voice was flat and toneless again.  He could see him shutting down. 

“No, you don’t understand.  I took an oath.  It’s my job to do anythin’ in my power to save people.”

+

Jim could hear Pike’s words coming back to haunt him again.  _“Jim, he’s a grown man, he’s a Starfleet officer, he’s trained and capable.  You can’t put him on a short leash, he won’t appreciate your interference.  Hell, he’ll even come to resent you.  You need to let him do his job.”_

Jim continued slowly and quietly, “Thing is Bones, maybe Pike is right.  Maybe Enterprise wouldn’t be the best choice for you.”

+

Len felt a stab of guilt and betrayal.  He wouldn’t apologize for doing his job, even if Jim couldn’t understand.

He felt defeated, felt a sense of déjà vu at saying the same words to Jim that he’d said to Pike.  “Maybe not.” 

He looked over at Jim who wouldn’t meet his eyes.  “So where does that leave us?”

“Pike was pretty certain that, come June, we would be receiving different orders.”

Len dropped back onto the sofa and stared despondently into the flames.  He’d figured as much, but to hear it from Jim, too, hurt. 

“Jim.  I’m sorry if that’s the case, I really am.  But if I had to do it all over again, I’d make the same decisions.  I don’t get the luxury to pick and choose when I do my job.  I’ll do what I hafta do, even if it means I hafta pay the price.  I’m just sorry you’re payin’ the price, too.

“Bones.  I know you couldn’t have done anything differently.  I hate that I’m so fucked up that I would even ask you to,” he said bitterly.  “It’s just that, I always thought you would be safe in the medbay on Enterprise.”

Len huffed a disbelieving chuckle, “You do realize that medical is an essential part of every away team right?”

“Well, I do now, in brilliant fucking detail thanks to you!  But I don’t think I could function knowing that I’d have to be the one to send you into those dangerous situations.”  He shifted uncomfortably under Len’s scrutiny.

“Why?  ’Cause you couldn’t deal with me doin’ my job?  So, I’m supposed to just sit back and watch you beam down and run headfirst into every dangerous situation we come across?  That’s not fair, Jim.”

“I know it’s not fair, but I can’t help the way I feel.  I couldn’t bear to see you in danger.”  Jim shoved himself to his feet and paced toward the fire.  “ _Fuck._  I… I love you, don’t you understand?”

Jim took a deep breath and turned to look at Len who was sitting completely still, taken aback by his declaration.  It wasn’t like it was the first time he had heard Jim say those words, but it was the first time he really felt like Jim meant it in more than just a brotherly context.  His chest constricted.

“Look.  Maybe a planet side posting _would_ be a better fit.  You’d be safer.  You could be with Jo.”

“What?  And I just sit back and wait to be notified as _your_ next of kin?”

“Bones….”

“Don’t, Jim.  Just don’t.   

Luckily Jim heeded the implicit warning and didn’t finish his sentence.  Instead, he returned silently to his spot beside Len.

 

Len took a deep calming breath and struggled to get his emotions back under control.  He was understandably angry about Jim wanting to shut him away on the ship to keep him safe, but he also knew that Jim realized how irrational that was, how completely unrealistic. 

When he was calmer he continued, “I understand that you’re concerned with my safety and that your…feelings…for me influence your concerns.  I feel the same way about you, Jim.  I’d find it difficult to sit back and watch you put yourself in danger.  Unfortunately, that’s the life we’ve chosen.  I know that you’ll be heading into the black and it scares the shit outta me.  I wanna be there.  I wanna be the one to fix you up when you need it, ‘cause I just don’t trust anyone else to do a good enough job.  That’s _my_ feelings for _you_ influencing my concerns.  

“But, ultimately, I’ll make my duty request based on where _I_ want to serve, no matter what reservations you or Pike might have, and I _plan_ on requestin’ Enterprise.”  He glared at Jim defiantly, “I don’t trust anyone else to take care of you like I can.” 

Jim looked like he wanted to argue, but reluctantly heeded the hard edge in Len’s voice, asking instead, “What about Jo?”

“Jo’s right where she needs to be right now.  Now that Jocelyn and I have come to an arrangement, I feel better knowin’ she’s well cared for and that I can see her whenever I want.  I never planned on takin’ her away from her mother, I just needed to be a presence in her life.”  His voice softened, “I have that now and I have you to thank for that.” 

Jim started to shake his head and Len continued over his protest, “If it weren’t for you, Jim, I probably wouldn’t have even managed to get visitation, let alone custody.  You have no idea how grateful I am to you for that.  You gave me my baby back and you kept me from makin’ a huge mistake by resignin’.  I don’t think I could have started over alone, again.” 

Len swallowed around the lump in his throat and slouched back against the back of the couch.  He rubbed his hands roughly over his face, then through his hair in frustration, “But it feels like everythin’s gotten so much more complicated since we got married, Jim.”  He dropped his hands to his lap and leveled his gaze at Jim’s searching blue eyes.  His breath caught in his throat at the intense but fleeting look of hurt in those eyes. 

_Damn.  He’d fucked up._

“Hey, no big deal, we’ll get it annulled.” Jim was trying to hide his hurt behind a too thin veneer of disinterest and it was falling flat, his smile looked pained. 

Jim pushed up from his spot on the sofa and started to walk away, but Len reacted quickly, also standing, and reached for his arm dragging him to a halt.

“Jim.”  Jim refused to turn and face him. 

“Jim, dammit, that ain’t what I was tryin’ to say.  If you want me to talk, then you sure as fuck gotta listen to what I’m actually sayin’.”  He knew Jim was filtering everything through his own fears, not hearing what he said.  He was only hearing what he _thought_ Len meant. 

Len pulled Jim around and Jim shrugged off his hand.  Len let go and tucked his fingers into his front pockets to keep from reaching out again.  He and Jim stood face to face now, Jim standing with his hands on his hips, still staring down at his feet, his jaw working silently. 

“What I was tryin’ to say, and obviously not doin’ it too well, was that this,” he motioned between their two chests with one hand, “has gotten complicated with emotions I had no intention of ever letting myself feel again.”

Len ducked down to catch Jim’s eye.  “I don’t want you worryin’ about whether I’m gonna leave again.  You gotta understand that my leavin’ before didn’t mean I left _you_.  Too many people have left you behind in the past, but I made a promise and a vow to you, Jim, and I meant every word I said.  We might not be together, but I will _never_ _leave_ _you_.” 

Len watched Jim carefully as he parsed his words before leading him back to the sofa where Jim sat tucked into the corner and Len sat with one knee pulled up facing him.

+

He was surprised when Bones’ warm lips pressed gently to his and it took him a long moment to respond.   This wasn’t a frantic, anger fueled kiss, or even the teasing ones from Georgia.  This one was slow and sweet and confusing the hell out of Jim.  Bones had never initiated a kiss, sure he had responded when Jim had kissed him, but he hadn’t initiated one since their night together more than a year ago now.

Jim was so lost in his confusion that he was barely aware that Bones had moved closer.  He now had one hand on his right thigh and the other arm resting along the back of the sofa so that his fingers were lazily brushing through the short hairs at the nape of his neck.  Len continued to press in and gently ran his tongue across Jim’s lower lip seeking entrance.  Instead, Jim turned his head slightly, breaking the contact.

+

“What are you doing, Bones?” He sounded skittish and Len couldn’t see his eyes, couldn’t see what was going on in that frighteningly fast brain of his.

Len placed a gentle finger under Jim’s chin and directed Jim’s eyes back to his.  He gazed at him fondly and couldn’t help running his thumb across Jim’s still shining lip to feel the moisture from his own tongue.  “I don’t want you doubting my commitment to you, Jim.”  Len’s voice was deep and rough and he could feel the shiver run through Jim at the sound of it.

Len watched the doubt and hope struggle in Jim’s eyes.  Like the kid really wanted to believe, but just couldn’t allow himself that comfort.  It was his instinct to always brace for impact, always expect the worst.

He knew Jim would never ask for what he needed, especially if he thought it was something that Len didn’t want as well.  If this was what Jim needed, even if he couldn’t express it, then Len had no problem taking the lead. 

Len ran his hand slowly up Jim’s thigh, his thumb teasing at the inseam of Jim’s jeans, “Let me take away that doubt for you.”  He watched the blonde’s pupils dilate. 

+

Jim sat wide eyed and lost for a moment in the sheer sensation of Bones’ hand on his leg, but as his hand slid higher Jim managed to regain his power to protest.

“No.  If you’re… If you mean…,” Jim stuttered about looking for the right words and then he got angry, “I don’t want a pity fuck, Bones!”

“That ain’t what this is.  The last thing I feel for you, Jim, is pity.”

“Then what is this?”

Bones leaned in, brushed his lips across Jim’s ear, “It’s whatever you want it to be, Jimmy.”  Jim tried to focus, but Bones’ hand had resumed its trek up his thigh.

“Bones, stop!” He shoved his hand away, “I’m serious.”  He sounded petulant.

Len straightened up and backed away from Jim, looking him dead in the eyes.  “I’m serious too Jim.  I don’t want you doubting my commitment.  Look, no strings, ok?  I know you aren’t ready for anything more and I’m not sure I am either, but let me do this for you, for us.  Let’s make this legal.”

“You want to consummate our marriage.  Is that what you’re saying?” A flicker of hope fluttered in his chest and he tamped it down ruthlessly.

“Yeah, that’s what I’m sayin’.”

Jim blushed at the sudden visual images that bombarded him.  “I…I don’t know, Bones.”

Bones shook his head in wonder, “I never thought I’d see the day that Jim Kirk was bashful about sex.”

“Not sex.”  Jim looked down briefly to see that Bones’ hand was now resting innocently on his own knee,   “You.”

“Me.  You intimidated by me, Jim?”  Jim watched the wicked glint in Bones’ eye and the small smile lifting just the corners of his mouth and shivered at the thought.  The blood rushing from his head to his cock making him hard in an instant.

“Maybe.”  He answered breathlessly as he was forced to shift at the uncomfortable tightness of his pants.

They sat staring at each other.  The enormity of what they were contemplating sobering them. 

“So then what?  Where would that leave us?  Would we be, like, dating?” 

Len chuckled, “I kinda think we’re past dating.”

“Are we a couple?”

“Yeah, we’re a couple alright, a coupla idiots.”

“I’m not joking here, Bones!”  Jim’s anger flared.

“I know, I know.  I’m sorry, alright?”  Bones ran that long fingered hand through his hair, “I just, don’t know how to answer your questions.  I want this, I really do, but I gotta be honest.  I’m not sure what it’s gonna mean tomorrow, next week, next month.”  He looked at Jim and shrugged, “I think maybe we should just take it one day at a time.  We don’t need to make any of this public, maybe we keep it between ourselves so there’s no outside pressure from anyone else.  We see how we feel, see if it works or not.  I don’t know.”  He huffed a small laugh, “Everything with us always seems twice as complicated and ass-backwards.” 

+

Jim stood and started to pace again, both hands buried in his dark blond hair, pulling at the short strands as he fought to clear his head.  God, he wanted this.  Not just sex with Bones, the promise he was offering, but he was afraid of what it would mean.  He hadn’t been with anyone else since Georgia, but he knew himself well enough to know that he couldn’t promise to be faithful to Bones, especially if he did end up in the black alone.  He didn’t think he could promise monogamy.

That didn’t seem to be what Bones was asking for, though.  He was simply offering to make their marriage legal, no strings attached, but he didn’t want Bones doing this for the wrong reasons.  He didn’t want him doing this just because he knew it was what Jim wanted, so he decided to offer him an out.

“Look,” Jim started to back pedal, “I’ve been thinking.  We could just lie.  No one needs to know the marriage wasn’t consummated, it would be our word against theirs.”  He breathed out a shaky huff of laughter that didn’t reach his eyes, “Besides, it doesn’t matter, does it?  It’s just fucking ironic that the rule against married spouses with children serving together was instituted after the Kelvin.  It’s like it’s my fault.”  

Len knew that Jim was referring the fact that Starfleet didn’t want married spouses with children serving together, because if something happened the children would be orphaned.

“With Jo in the picture, they would _force_ us to take different assignments.  If you do plan on requesting Enterprise, then we have to keep our marriage a secret anyway, so there’s no reason to do this.” 

+

Len stood and moved directly into his path, stopping Jim’s forward motion with a hand to his chest bringing him to a standstill, and gave him a serious look.

“Whoa.  Hang on there.”  Len needed to get this situation back under control, “This isn’t for Starfleet, this is for you, Jim.  I know you want this, I know you need this.  Let me give this to you.  Let’s make this legal.  That way, no matter where we end up, you’ll know you always have a place with me, that we’re family.”

“But this isn’t what _you_ want,” Jim insisted.

“It is what I want, Jim.  Because, I need you to know that I will always fight for you, even if I’m fighting _you_ , because I’m not leaving.  I might not be with you, but you will always be here,” he placed Jim’s hand on his chest where Jim could feel his accelerated heartbeat.  “I will always be here for you.  I’m done trying to deny that, trying to define whatever this is between us.  No matter what else is happening in our lives, you always have a place with me.”

Jim’s blue eyes flicked back and forth between his own searching out the sincerity of his words.  He still seemed reluctant.

Len decided to try again, to go slowly and hope that Jim managed to get his anxiety under control.  He placed his hands on Jim’s hips. 

“Jim, Darlin’….” 

Jim’s cheeks pinked at the affectionate name which Bones never used in private. 

“Don’t call me that,” Jim said quietly, refusing now to look him in the eyes.

“Why not?”  Len was puzzled.  He hadn’t seemed to mind before.

“Just, you can’t call me that if this doesn’t mean anything.”

Jim looked so uncertain, that Len redoubled his efforts at persuasion.  He lowered his voice to the deep, slow, whiskey drawl that he knew affected Jim and continued. 

“Oh, Darlin’,” Len put one finger under Jim’s chin and directed him back until he could see those gorgeous blue eyes, “it never didn’t mean anythin’.  Even last time, it meant somethin’.

“Trust me.”  He looked Jim up and down hungrily with a slow shake of his head and licked his lower lip.   “I know what you want, Sugar, and I know what you need, and I wanna to give it to you.  As long as I know I have your consent,” here he paused and Jim swallowed hard and tried to get his voice to cooperate, but failing that merely nodded. 

Len chuckled, “Cat got your tongue, huh?  Well, we’ll see what we can do about that, because I remember how pretty you sounded with my name on your lips.”

Len walked him slowly backwards until his back was pressed against the wall.  Something flashed in Jim’s mind, a sense memory that he had been here before.  The memory came flooding back and weakened his knees. 

“‘Cause if we’re doin’ this Jimmy, I’m gonna make damn sure you won’t forget this time.”

Jim’s head snapped up at that, his eyes wide.

Len smiled like the cat that got the canary, “Yeah, I suspected as much.  But don’t you worry, this time will be even better.  Now, let’s see if we can’t find your words, Sweetheart.”

+

Fuck.  That voice.  Those words. 

Bones could take him apart with his words alone, the thick accent wrapping around his cock as surely as his tongue.  Bones had to know exactly what he was doing to him and he was enjoying it, the bastard.  Jim needed to find a way to turn the tables, to regain some sense of control or he was going to end up a shaking, incoherent mess, but that seemed to be Bones’ intent.

“Come on, Jim.”  Bones took his hand and he found himself following Bones to the loft, the long fingers wrapped tightly around his own short circuiting his ability to protest further. 

 

Len led Jim to the loft, but felt Jim begin to resist as they neared the king sized bed that dominated the back wall of the loft.  It was situated between two large windows which overlooked the storm tossed lake.  He turned to face Jim who was starting to look a little panicked and without releasing his hand, stepped into his body.  He placed his free hand at the back of his neck and pulled him into a kiss that left Jim panting against his lips. 

He gave him several minutes to settle into the kiss and was rewarded with Jim pulling him closer and deepening the kiss, Jim’s tongue chasing, and tangling, with his own.

+

Bones broke the kiss and took a half a step back. Jim shivered at the intent look that Bones swept up and down his body and found himself feeling uncharacteristically shy. 

“Normally I’d ask you what you want, Jim, but I think I know what you need tonight, so I want you to trust me.” 

Jim balked slightly at Bones taking control, but he knew he had allowed a dangerous precedent to be set previously. 

+

Len could feel the tension in Jim’s rigid stance.  He could feel the resistance, and was aware that Jim was starting to struggle with the power differential.  He knew Jim Kirk didn’t cede control easily or willingly, so he decided to even the playing field. 

Len began to undress himself and as much as he wanted to have Jim naked and laid out before him on the bed, he decided to leave Jim clothed for the time being. 

Jim’s eyes lost their frantic look as he drank in the sight of each part of Bones that was slowly being revealed.  He stood still, his hands twitching at his sides itching to reach out and touch, but not knowing if he had permission.  He looked to the hazel eyes that were observing him with a bemused, but slightly exasperated expression. 

+

Bones just shook his head fondly, “Yeah, it’s ok to touch me, Jim.” Jim couldn’t help grinning like Christmas had come early until he added, in his thickest drawl, “You can touch me, but you will not touch yourself,” and he knew the man didn't miss the low moan that Jim made at that unexpected command.

Bones stood before Jim, shirtless and barefoot, his fingers very slowly working the buttons at the fly of his jeans.  Jim had thought the old fashioned buttons had been hilarious the first time he had seen them and ridden Bones mercilessly about his poor fashion sense, but now, as he watched him slowly pop each well worn button open, his mouth going dry, he could finally see the allure.

 Jim reached without thought and stilled Bone’s fingers before he could unfasten the last of the buttons, wanting to reserve that honor for himself.  But first he took a moment to appreciate Bones broad chest and shoulders.  He ran one hand through the dark curls sprinkled across his chest before running that hand down to the dark trail of hair that led the way to Bones’ fly.

+

Jim stepped close and Len allowed him to finish unfastening his jeans.  He was so close that Len could feel the heat of him and took the time to breathe deeply and enjoy the scent of him.  Jim smelled of fresh mountain air and hops and the scent that was distinctly Jim.  Len wanted nothing more than to take Jim in his arms and continue the kiss he had interrupted earlier.  Instead, he let Jim focus on his task while he worked at resisting the urge to throw Jim across the bed and tear his clothes off.  It had been too long since he had been able to see and touch and taste and his mouth flooded with saliva in anticipation.

The feel of Jim’s hands running down his chest brought him back to the present as Jim sank to his knees in front of him.  Len swallowed hard, suddenly aware of how close Jim’s mouth was to him.  Jim popped the last of the buttons on his fly and smirked at the small sound Len made at the friction it caused against his hard cock.

+

 Jim carefully peeled back the denim and pushed the jeans down over Bones’ narrow hips.  He ran a tentative finger along the line of Bones’ length which was barely restrained by his boxer briefs before pushing those down as well, watching raptly as Bones’ large cock sprang free to bob tantalizingly in front of his face. 

Jim smiled up at him and Len barely resisted the urge to take hold of his hair and direct his full lips where he really wanted them. 

+

Jim ran one hand up the shaft of Bones’ large cock, his thumb teasing briefly over the sensitive spot just below the head.  The thought that he had taken this man inside him once before caused him to shift nervously, unsure how he had been able to accommodate that sizable cock the last time and a little worried about having to do so again.

Jim hadn’t been lying when he’d said he was intimidated by Bones.  Bones was the only man he had been with that he’d allowed to fuck him.  Jim’s face flushed as he remembered that Bones was bigger than he was, could manhandle him and Jim was ashamed at how aroused that thought left him. 

He ruthlessly shoved down the shame and panic that washed over him as that thought triggered a memory from his past, of a time when he’d had his control taken from him against his will.  If he allowed himself to think too much on that now, he could end up in a full blown panic attack and that would ruin everything. 

Len was aware that Jim seemed to be experiencing some type of internal struggle.  His respirations were up and there was a light sheen of sweat breaking out across his forehead and upper lip.  He could be wrong, but he didn’t think it was arousal.  It felt more like anxiety and he drew the only conclusion he could.  He still wasn’t sure how often Jim had indulged in sex with men and he knew he had a large cock.  Jim wouldn’t be his first partner to have second thoughts.

Sensing Jim’s trepidation, Bones ran his fingers through Jim’s hair reassuringly and whispered, “Don’t worry, Jim.  I promise I won’t hurt you.”

Jim was embarrassed that he was so transparent.  This was why he preferred sex with strangers.  He could pretend to be whoever he wanted to be, but there would be no hiding with Bones, he knew him too well.  Jim was going to have to be more careful if he wanted to keep his secrets.

Jim took a deep breath.  He could do this.  They had _already_ done this, he reminded himself.  He held onto _that_ memory and told himself that it was ok to want this.  Bones wanted it too.  Bones promised he wouldn’t hurt him and he trusted him.

Jim tested the weight and feel of Bones in his hand.  He gently rolled his balls and gave him another lazy stroke before he looked up and locked his blue eyes with the hazel ones which watched entranced as Jim opened his mouth and drew the flat of his tongue from root to tip.  Bones’ eyes widened in surprise and Jim watched his pupils dilate, swallowing the hazel irises as Jim swallowed his cock. 

Jim smirked as much as he could around the thick cock in his mouth as he felt Bones tangle his fingers in his hair.  Jim placed encouraging hands on his hips as he slackened his throat and prepared for Bones’ forward thrust, but was completely surprised when Bones growled low in his throat and used the tight grip on his hair to pull him off of his cock.  Jim blinked up at him in surprise.   

“Oh, hell, no, Jimmy.  You are not in charge here tonight.” 

+

Len was aware that Jim was attempting to shift the balance of power, but he refused to yield.

Instead, Len pulled the younger man to his feet and quickly stripped him of his shirt before he crowded him back against the edge of the bed.  Jim sat down hard and Len placed one knee between his spread legs and leaned down over him, he placed his hands on either side of his hips and forced Jim to scoot back on the bed as Len crawled along over him until he came to rest with his head on the pillow. 

“I’m the one in charge here and your only job is to lay back and feel.” 

+

Jim lay there staring up at Bones positioned over him as he worked the zipper on his jeans and pulled them and his underwear down and off in one smooth motion.  Jim shivered at his sudden nakedness and the feral look in Bones’ eye.

+

Len’s breath caught at the sight of Jim.  His eyes greedily traveled from his flushed, erect cock pressing against his flat abdomen, up the muscular chest sprinkled with just a touch of light hair, across his dark areolas, to his sharp collarbones, up the slender column of his neck and met his haunting blue eyes.  He had known Jim was handsome the first time he had laid eyes on him, but this man lying naked and trusting beneath him was nothing short of stunning. 

Len cleared his throat, but his voice was hoarse with arousal, “Jim, you are so beautiful.”

The dubious look he received in return brought forth an another angry growl from the doctor who rededicated himself to making Jim believe the truth in his words by exploring every inch of Jim’s gorgeous, responsive body. 

He covered Jim with his body, aware of his greater size he partially supported his weight on his forearms planted on each side of Jim head, his hands holding him still as he plundered his mouth, seeking and taking and tasting.  He pulled Jim’s lower lip between his teeth and bit lightly before sucking it into his mouth.  Jim’s mouth giving as good as he got, he sucked on Len’s tongue. 

Jim’s eyes flew open in surprise and he gasped when he felt Len’s cock against his own.  Their pelvises aligned, Len began rutting gently, rubbing the length of his cock against Jim’s.  He looked deep into Jim’s darkened eyes and tried to pour all of the feeling he had for this man into them.  He bent his head and kissed him lightly once more before pulling back to watch his expressions.  Jim’s back arched in response to Len’s movements, his hips canting up into the slow slide of skin against skin.  The moan that slipped from his throat caused Len to rut harder, the dry friction a tease, both too much and not enough.  Giving into a primal need to mark, Len nuzzled into Jim’s neck where he sucked at the sensitive skin below Jim’s right ear. 

+

Jim writhed beneath Bones, his mouth on the sensitive spot on his neck and the knowledge that he would surely bruise was almost as erotic as the feel of his hot cock against Jim’s.

Jim’s higher brain functions fled and he was unable to respond beyond an inarticulate moan or groan, but Bones seemed to understand the meaning of each one, adjusting his touch to coax more sounds from Jim’s abused throat.

Bones’ level of control over himself and the situation astounded Jim.  He was reminded once again that this was no cadet several years his junior.  Bones was a grown man with years of experience Jim couldn’t even guess at.  This was Doctor McCoy, this was Lieutenant McCoy and Jim felt himself losing control at that thought. 

Bones read the situation correctly and clamped one hand around the base of Jim’s cock interrupting the pending orgasm, “Oh, no, Jim.  None of that.  We’re just getting started.”

Jim moaned in frustration.

He was momentarily disappointed when Bones broke contact until his mouth reconnected with one of his nipples.  Jim moaned as Bones bit lightly, drawing the sensitive bud between his teeth and flicking over it with the tip of his tongue.  Jim’s back arched off of the bed and Bones ran soothing hands down his sides.

 Jim’s cock was rock hard and demanding his attention, but he only succeeded in untangling one hand from the sheets and raising it toward his groin before Bones intercepted him.

“Uh, uh.  What’d I say?”

Bones took both of Jim’s wrists in one hand and placed them above his head. 

“No touching.” 

+

Jim’s eyes were wide and unseeing.  His head thrashed side to side as Len’s mouth returned to taking its lazy path down his body and he became lost in the sensation of Bones’ mouth and hands touching and tasting.  At some point Len released his wrists and was pleased to see that Jim left them where he had placed them.  He chuckled when he realized that Jim was now hanging onto the headboard for dear life.

He took a moment to appreciate the beautiful man lying beneath him.  Sex with Jocelyn had been good, but never like this.  Len appreciated the variation of both sexes, but sex with a man was more straightforward.  He knew how to touch Jim the way he liked to be touched.  He knew intimately the sensations he was evoking.  He wanted Jim to lay back and just feel, because this was the only way Len could truly express everything he felt for this man but was unable to put into words.  The depth of his own emotions was threatening to overwhelm his control so he focused instead on Jim’s physical responses.

Len ran his mouth along the line of Jim’s ribs to a spot that had piqued his interest during an exam.  It was a thin white line that wrapped around, originating along his back and ending under his right arm.  Jim tended to subconsciously guard that spot and Len knew from exams that it was sensitive.  Whether a physical sensitivity or an emotional sensitivity, Len couldn’t be sure, but either way he knew Jim would only grant him access to that spot if he trusted him.  Len approached cautiously and Jim responded instinctively angling his arm down against his side to block Len’s progress, his body tensing underneath him.  Len rubbed a reassuring hand down his side and rested his chin on Jim’s hip.  He looked up Jim’s body into his wary blue eyes. 

“It’s ok, Jim.  I promise I won’t take you anywhere you don’t want to be.  You need to trust me.”  He could feel Jim relaxing against him.

He slowly slid his fingers up along Jim’s ribs again and Jim didn’t block him this time.  His sensitive surgeon’s fingers found the thin ridge of scar tissue and he levered himself over Jim so that he could trail his fingers with the tip of his tongue.  This scar intrigued him.  It was one of the only stories Jim still had yet to tell.  He could only guess at how it had been formed, but that wasn’t as important as the fact that as uncomfortable as the memory was, Jim had allowed him access to it.  Jim trusted him.

Len continued his slide down Jim’s body, placing soft kisses along his jawline, down his neck, across his collar bones and stopped to mouth at one pert nipple drawing it into his mouth, teasing it to a peak and releasing it to blow a light breath across and watch it pebble.  He turned his head and gave the other nipple the same attention before mouthing his way down Jim’s abdomen.  He felt and heard Jim’s breath catch as Jim arched his back begging for Len’s attention.  He avoided Jim’s cock which was pressed against his stomach and dripping precum which had pooled in his navel. 

Instead, Len ran his tongue lightly around the outside of his navel before sealing his lips around it and sucking the moisture into his mouth.  Jim moaned and Len flicked his eyes up to see Jim staring down at him, his irises only a faint outline of blue ringing his dilated pupils.  Keeping his eyes locked with Jim’s he traced the tip of his swollen cock with just the tip of his stiffened tongue, drawing up another bead of precum, then moved back to Jim’s mouth where he licked the precum across his lips before sucking it off.  Jim’s groan reverberated through Len’s aching cock which was pressed to Jim’s thigh. 

Len moved down between Jim’s legs, pushing them wide to make room for him and he didn’t miss the hopeful look Jim gave him.  Len took Jim’s cock in hand and gave him one firm stroke.  The strangled cry he got in response told him that it was time to move things along.

He regarded Jim seriously.  “As much as I would really love to taste you right now, Darlin’, we can’t have this ending just yet.”  Jim looked at him with glassy, uncomprehending eyes.  “We have some unfinished business to attend to first.”

Len couldn’t have Jim coming just yet.  He wanted him to come from his cock, not his hands or mouth.  Not the first time anyway, because this was the first time that they were coming together as married men and Len was old fashioned in that respect.  He was also aware of the need to follow the letter of the law.

The look of confusion on Jim’s face gave way to startled surprise as Len ran his fingers lightly across his entrance before settling between Jim’s legs.  He reached across Jim to the bedside table and fished around in the drawer until his fingers closed over the object he had been looking for.  Jim watched as he popped open the lube one handed and applied a thick coating to his fingers.  If it were possible he would swear that Jim’s eyes dilated even further at the sight.

Len massaged the tight furl of muscle until Jim relaxed enough to allow him entrance.  He proceeded to prep Jim slowly and thoroughly.  Jim was tight, damn tight and he couldn’t help wondering again just how often Jim had done this.  Some of the specifics of their last encounter were hazy.  He was sure that he had prepped him, but he couldn’t say he had taken the time he really needed to ensure Jim’s comfort.  But that had been a whole different experience and Jim hadn’t been complaining.  This time he wanted Jim to enjoy the feel of every inch of his cock as he slid inside and, _fuck_ , Len couldn’t help the groan that escaped at that thought. 

When Jim’s body was loose enough to accept his fingers and his breathing had evened out, he asked one more time, “Are you sure about this Jim?”  If he wasn’t, he supposed _Jim_ could fuck _him_ , but he hadn’t really allowed that in a very long time.

Jim looked at him with dazed eyes, pupils blown wide and licked his lips.  “No, keep going.  I’m good.”

“Good boy.  I knew you could find your words.”

Len positioned himself, his cock lined up with Jim’s entrance.  As he slowly pressed forward, the blunt head of his cock just breaching the first ring of muscle, Jim clamped his eyes shut and Len stilled to allow them both time to adjust. 

Jim wanted to hide away, he was embarrassed by his needy sounds and his loss of inhibition.  He couldn’t help himself, no one had ever made him feel like this before.  Or maybe he just hadn’t trusted anyone enough to truly let go before.  

“Let me see those baby blues, Jimmy.  Don’t hide yourself from me.  I want to see you, all of you.”

Len’s cock ached with the pleasure he was delaying.  Jim opened his eyes, the blue nearly non-existent, but the trust in those eyes nearly consumed him.  “So, fuckin’ gorgeous, Jimmy.”

Len pressed forward slowly, sinking into Jim’s tight heat until his hips were flush with Jim’s pelvis.  He withdrew almost completely and took one slow experimental thrust watching for any signs of pain.

+

Jim felt incredibly full, but not uncomfortably so.  Bones gently pried his fingers loose from the headboard, giving Jim silent permission to touch and he ran his hands up Bones’ strong arms, feeling the strain in the muscles as Bones held himself in place.  He tangled his fingers into his hair and brought Bones down to his mouth.  The kiss was tender and slow, betraying the quivering muscles begging to move.  Jim smiled against Bones mouth and pushed himself back on his cock, letting Bones know it was ok to move.

Bones sighed in relief and Jim settled into his rhythm.  Jim’s breath hitched and he couldn’t help crying out at the electric jolt that coursed through him when Bones adjusted his angle, causing the length of him to slide along his prostate.

+

Len set a slow pace, intentionally hitting Jim’s prostate every fourth of fifth thrust.  Jim was panting and covered in a glowing sheen of sweat, the hair at his temples curling from the moisture gathering there.  The cabin had been chilly earlier, but the heat from the fireplace had warmed the loft.  Len could feel the perspiration beginning to drip down his back. 

On his next thrust forward he leaned down and licked at Jim’s red bitten lips until they parted.  He kissed him deeply as he held himself in position above the blond.  He lifted Jim’s left leg and placed it high on his hip, then ran his fingers back and down to where they were joined.  He ran a finger along the sensitive muscle stretched tight and smooth around his cock before reaching for Jim’s hand and bringing it between them, encouraging him to do the same.  He felt Jim’s searching fingers circle the base of his cock where he was buried to the hilt inside of him.  He wanted Jim to focus on their joining, because they were skating the fine line between fucking and making love and this was spiritual as well as physical.  With Jim’s hand still between them he slowly pulled back, feeling those fingers wrap around him guiding him back and Len let his control slip.

Len began to move again, this time setting a more punishing pace, his instincts finally overriding any of his remaining control.  He slammed into Jim, enjoying the satisfying slap of flesh on flesh, and felt his orgasm building, felt the heat pooling at the base of his spine and he finally reached out to take Jim’s cock in hand.  The kid had followed his orders and hadn’t touched himself and it was time to reward his obedience.  He stroked Jim in time with his thrusts and added a twist to his wrist, running his thumb across the head of his weeping cock.  Using his precum as lubrication Len teased gently at the slit with a flick of his thumbnail. 

He wanted Jim to come first, but he could feel Jim’s resistance, the tension in his thighs and shoulders.  “It’s ok, I got ya, Darlin’.”  He stroked his hand up and down Jim’s shaft, “It’s ok, just let yourself go.”

 Jim thrust into Len’s fist and rocked his hips back to meet Len’s thrusts.  He could feel Jim’s body starting to shudder, “Come on, that’s it, come for me, Jimmy,” and watched as Jim was pulled under, as his hips began to stutter, and Len fought to stave off his own orgasm.

“Uhh…Bones!” Jim managed to cry out as he came, his cock pulsing in Len’s hand, thick stripes of come landing across their stomachs, he clenched around Len.  Jim’s already tight body constricted further, to the point that it stilled Len’s thrusts and momentarily locked them together in his spasm of pleasure. 

Len breathed through the extreme pressure on his cock, but couldn’t take his eyes off of Jim’s face.  He was transfixed by a look of such deliverance as Jim was completely overwhelmed by sensation. 

When he could move again, Len continued to thrust shallowly, fucking Jim through the aftershocks of his orgasm, and as he went limp with it Len turned his focus to his own delayed pleasure.  He was so close that it only took two more thrusts before he felt the tell tale tightening at the base of his spine.

His body covering Jim’s he sealed their mouths together, and as his orgasm struck he shoved deep, driving his cock into Jim and holding himself there, his hands no doubt bruising his hips as he spilled himself deep inside of Jim.  He rode out the aftershocks, panting Jim’s name into his mouth.  Their sweat and fluid covered bodies sealed together, he dropped his forehead to Jim’s shoulder as he tried to catch his breath and held himself still until the last pulses subsided, Jim’s legs tucked up against his sides holding him tightly. 

When he came back to himself, he became aware that Jim’s orgasm had been an emotional release as well as a physical one and tears were running down Jim’s temples and into his hair.  Len wiped them away with his thumbs, and kissed Jim tenderly. 

Aware that Jim had taken all of his weight, he murmured his apology as he levered himself off and to the side, his softening cock sliding free of Jim who only made a small noise of disappointment.  Len stayed close, pressing up along Jim’s side but not crowding him.  He suspected that this was new territory for Jim, so he stayed close to reassure him. 

Len felt the shift in Jim’s mood as he came back into his own head.  Jim’s emotions were raw.  He was breathing way too fast and his eyes were shifting around the room, looking anywhere but at Len.

He pulled Jim towards him, arranging himself against his back, with his arms around him and Jim’s head resting back against his shoulder and was encouraged when he didn’t resist. 

“Shh.  It’s ok, Jim. I got ya.” 

 “What the hell, Bones?”  Jim’s voice was thin and nervous.

Len couldn’t help the small apologetic smile that pulled at this mouth where it was pressed against Jim’s hair.  “Sorry, Jim.  I couldn’t just fuck you."

Jim shifted in Len’s arms to face him, and winced as the movement made his sore muscles ache.  He looked confused.  “You sure as hell coulda fooled me.” 

Len looked at Jim seriously and reached up to brush the hair back from his eyes.  He cupped his cheek and rubbed his thumb along Jim’s cheekbone, “No, I mean I didn’t _fuck_ you, Jim.  I made love to you.   That was the difference.”

He watched the panicked expression in Jim’s eyes, but refused to run away from his emotions this time. 

“I’m not really sorry, either, because I do love you, Jim.”

He took the younger man into his arms and held him until his trembling began to subside.  Jim was completely exhausted by the experience and soon drifted to sleep in Bones’ warm embrace.

 

That night as he lay with Jim in his arms, Len couldn’t help comparing this night with his first wedding night.  He and Jocelyn had been exhausted by the day’s events and had made love without much thought.   It had been special because it was their first time as husband and wife, but it was nowhere near as spiritual as this experience with Jim had been. 

Here, in the privacy of the marriage bed, Jim seemed able to open up and express himself.  “It’s never been like that before, Bones, that intense.”

“For me either.”

Jim looked doubtful, “Not even with Jocelyn?”

Len ran a reassuring hand down Jim’s back.  “Not even with Joce.” 

He frowned, worried when Jim still looked doubtful.  “Are you ok, Jim?”

“I don’t know, but I think so.”

That was probably the most honest thing Jim had ever shared.  He was overwhelmed with emotion, but he felt protected and surrounded by a feeling of safety and acceptance.  Jim no longer felt the need to hide.  Bones had seen it all and was still here and Jim trusted him when he said he would never leave.

 

When Len woke late in the night, he was surprised to find Jim gone.  He rubbed at his eyes before he noticed Jim standing at the window staring up at the clear, starry sky.

“Come back to bed, Jim.”

When he did, Len wrapped him in his arms and held him close.  “Don’t worry, Jim.  Whatever happens out there, we’ll handle it.  Together.”

And Jim believed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who has read and commented on this story. Your kudos and comments have kept me motivated. I am utterly surprised at how long this fic turned out to be, but I'm proud of how it turned out. I have already started thinking about where it might go from here, if anyone is interested in seeing it continue. Thank you for reading!


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